Pokemon Crystal : The Abridged Fanfic
by Axletia Rosonetis
Summary: PKC in all of the crazy, fun-filled adventures of one crazy, rude-mouthed trainer. Not to be confused with her kinder, sweeter, and better manga counterpart.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1 : Waking Up and Suing Silver

_Okay, so since I began playing Pokemon Crystal on an emulator three days ago, I've decided to loosely make an abridged series by picking the main events and screwing them up. It loosely fits the script, and don't expect this behavior in the actual games (especially Krys's cynical behavior). So enjoy, and know that I do not own pokemon, its games, or anything with the Nintendo logo on it. _

* * *

(_Waking Up)_

" Are you a boy ? Or are you a girl ? "

_**" GOTDAMN IT, ARE YOU BLIND ?! I AM A GIRL ! "**_

" Oh. Well, geez. Don't act like such a bitch. I'm only asking you a simple question. "

**KICK !**

_" GOTDAMN RETARD ! LEAVE ME THE F--K ALONE ! "_

* * *

beep-beep-beep-beep!

_**" DAH ! WHY THE HELL DID YOU WAKE ME UP ?! "**_

" Uh, 'cause I did. "

Kris glared at her mother, who was smiling overoptimisticly. " Well, could you actually do something besides gawk at me all day and check the flippin' clock ? "

" Oh. Sure. "

She went downstairs to stare at the clock before coming back to a moody Kris. " So, Mom, what time is it ? "

" Oh, it's eleven at night. "

"_ WHAT ?!_ Are you bullsh-tting me ?! "

" No... "

" Well, what sane mother lets their child sleep until eleven at night ?! " Kris inquired.

" Uh, one who gets drunk and passes out at their neighbor's house. "

" Oh. Right. But damn it, it's so dark. Hasn't New Bark ever heard of something called electricity ?! "

Kris Staller got up from her bed and yawned. It was the day that she would receive her first pokemon. As an eleven year old, you'd think she would be stupid (like Gold), but in reality, Kris was pretty intelligent (although with a very low temper and bitchy attitude). She had a very good clothing style, too. She had bluish-green hair. She wore a yellow headband, a red t-shirt, a white jacket with a red stripe on each of the sleeves, yellow and black shorts, and regular tennis shoes.

So, after she got dressed into just that, she listened to Professor Oak's conversation that was mandatory if she wanted a pokemon.

" Hey, Kris ! Sorry if I didn't get here earlier ! I was partying with your mother ! " Professor Oak said cheerily.

Krys sweatdropped. The Professor continued. " Anyway, welcome to the world of Pokemon ! "

-.- " What the hell are you talking about ?! I've been living here for eleven years ! And just last Tuesday that Furret nearly gave me rabies ! "

" Whatever. Anyway, I'm Oak. "

" No duh. Here's a question, why are you introducing me to my journey _**WHEN YOU'RE NOT EVEN THE REGION PROFESSOR ?! "**_

" I don't know. I get paid a l_ooot_. Anyway, people call me the pokemon bounty hunter ! "

" So...you work in Team Rocket ? "

" Uh...no. This world has annoying little things that we call pokemon.

The Wooper that was released shook his head. " Actually, I'm called Zork. "

_**" SHUT THE F--K UP AND LET ME FINISH ! "**_

O.o " Fine..."

" People and the retarded creatures live together by supporting each other, whether that be battling, coordinating, or paying Child Support. Some people play with pokemon. Some people battle. Others do very naughty things, which I did with this thing called a Wooper. "

**" MY NAME IS ZORK ! "**

**BANG !**

(Wooper) " X.X "

Professor Oak cleared his throat. " But of course we don't know everything about Pokemon, otherwise Nintendo would crash. So, we say we're gonna solve all the mysteries, but really, we just sit and get high all day. Only reason why I study pokemon is because it was either that or get admitted into a nursing home by my arrogant yet handsome grandson. So, what was your name ? "

Kris facefaulted. " You really _are_ senile, aren't you ? "

" Are you my mommy ? "

" No. I'm Kris. We met about five minutes ago. "

Professor Oak smiled. " Kris, are you ready ? You're gonna start a journey with little pests and probably save the world from crazy retards. So, I guess I'll see you later. My soap operas are starting ! "

-poof!-

Kris looked around her room and scratched her head. " I _knew_ I shouldn't have watched _Vampire Knight_ until two in the morning. I could've avoided all of this. "

* * *

Kris walked downstairs where her mother blocked her path. " Hi, Kris ! Our neighbor, that guy with the tree name, was looking for you. He said something about an errand. "

" What ? That's bull ! _Gold_ never had to do that ! He just was lazy ! "

" Well, S.O.L. Johto doesn't do that. "

" Aww, this sucks. "

Mom snapped a finger. " Oh, yeah ! I almost forgot ! Your Pokemon Gear is back from the repair shop after Gold used dynamite on it ! Here ya go ! "

Kris took the Pokemon Gear and sweatdropped. " This is s_oooo_ 2001. Can't you ever get anything modern, like a PokeNav ? Or a cellphone ? "

The mother waved a hand as she ignored her. " Pokemon Gear, or PokeGear, is essential if you want to be a master, or if you want to stalk your boyfriends. Oh, and I forgot what day it is. You shouldn't forget the day of the week, unless you had a blackout ! So...what day is it ? "

" Tuesday, Mom. "

" Is it Daylight Savings Time ? "

" Well, yeah. "

" So, you do know how to use the phone feature, right ? "

" Uh, yeah. It's not 1855, you know. "

" Good, 'cause I forgot. Too much tequila with the neighbors. "

Kris nodded and walked over to the other side of the table. " Miss Landy ? What the hell are you doing here ? "

" I'm visiting. "

" At eleven at night ? "

" Yeah ! "

_" Yeah... "_

" So, have you heard ? My daughter really has a thing for Professor Elm ! She wants to be his assistant ! She loves pokemon, and I know that she'll do whatever she can ! In fact, I'm even planning the shotgun wedding already ! She and Elm make a real good couple. "

" Kind of demented, if you ask me, " Kris thought.

Kris walked over the street to where Professor Elm's lab was. As she walked, she saw a long red-haired boy staring out of the window. She walked over to the boy. " Hey, dude. Are you high or something ? "

She tapped him, and the boy muttered to himself. " ...So this is where that nerdy professor works at. "

He turned to Kris. " What the _hell _are_ you_ staring at ?! Do I have herpes on my face ? "

" Uh, no... "

_**" WELL, GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME ! "**_

Silver kicked Krys ten feet from him and continued to stare at the window. The bluish-green haired girl just sat there for five minutes before turning into a deep shade of purple. " That_ bastard !_ I'll wait a while to get my pokemon ! I'm gonna sue his ass for sexual harassment ! "

* * *

_(Suing Silver) _

The judge banged his gavel as Krys and Silver sat down in their seats. " So, Silver is here for a sexual harassment charge, and Krys is seemingly wanting to sue Nintendo. Wow. "

Silver jumped from his seat. " What ?! You can't sue Nintendo ! You'll bankrupt us all and make us homeless ! "

Krys shrugged. " So ? I hate Nintendo. I'll get a job with Sega ! "

" But Sega is gay ! And the only thing they've ever accomplished is that blue hedgehog thing ! "

" Uh, I don't care. You kicked me, and so I'm having my revenge. I don't care if our whole franchise goes in the dumpster !_ I'M GONNA SUE YOU ! "_

The judge sweatdropped. " Okay. Krys, you can't sue Nintendo. But you can put him in a pot of hot fudge if you want. "

" Eh. Works for me, " Krys muttered.

" So, it's settled. Bailiff - bring the hot fudge ! "

The bailiff brought the hot fudge. Silver's jaw dropped. " Damn it ! No ! Pops, get me out of this ! I'll become your heir for Team Spaceship ! "

Giovanni shook his head. " You had your chance, Snover. I don't like you anymore. I'll get someone else to lead Team Spaceship, though. Don't worry. "

" Uh, my name is Silver, and you're a bastard ! You might as well go into the anime and become Ash Ketchum's dad instead ! "

" Who ? "

" You know, that black haired retard that screws everything up and everyone wants him dead already. "

" Oh. Yeah, I'll probably do that. Good idea. "

Silver groaned as the bailiff grabbed his arms and threw him into a pot of hot fudge, not quite killing him, but giving nasty burn marks. Krys looked at her watch. " Ooh. Look at the time. I better go and get my pokemon ! "

-poof!-

_**" I WILL GET MY REVEEEEEEENGE, KRYS ! "**_

End

* * *

_Okay, everyone ! Next chapter is when Krys gets a pokemon and goes to Mr. Pokemon's House ! Cookies and ice cream are in the fridge for reviewers ! And remember everyone - this behavior should not be attempted if you're sane. _


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 : Getting A Pokemon, the Map Guy, and Mr. Pokemon

_Okay, I don't own anything here, so...enjoy ! _

* * *

Kris walked over to Professor Elm's Lab and went inside. It was a dinky little lab. Garbage was spread everywhere. Stacks of paper were spread across the desk. Three pokeballs were on a table. Professor Elm was standing there, with his dorky glasses and old-fashioned 80's labcoat. Kris sweatdropped. " Uh, Professor ? It's me ! "

Professor Elm turned around and smiled. " Kris ! There you are ! I needed to ask you something. There's this guy, Mr. Pokemon. He finds weird things and always talks about his discoveries like a senile man. And I got an e-mail saying that he finally found out something useful. It's a miracle, but I'm busy playing virtual golf and the last time I tried to go over to his house he threatened to kill me since I forgot to pay him back his money, so could you go over to his place and see what he's ranting about now ? "

Kris facefaulted. " You idiot ! I don't even have a pokemon yet ! "

" So ? I'm sure you can manage ! "

" I _really_ wish you can just get shot ! "

Professor Elm huffed. " Fine ! I'll give you a flippin' pokemon to shut you up ! They're semi-rare, so pick one or die ! "

" Gladly. "

Kris walked over to the table and checked out the first pokeball. Professor Elm cleared his throat. " So, you'll want Totodile, the water pokemon ? "

" Uh, it looks like a dinosaur. Does it have a teeth problem ? "

" Probably. I got that one in a poker game against Professor Ivy, and she's been known to abuse her pokemon when she goes through withdrawal symptoms with Vicodin. "

" Then, no. "

She grabbed the second pokeball and examined it. Professor Elm grinned. " You'll take Cyndaquil, the little bastard ? "

" Well, it's pretty cute, but it seems to look sick. "

" Yeah, it has a bad case of typhus. Don't get too close, or you'll get sick. "

" Ew. _No _! "

Kris checked out the last pokeball. Professor Elm looked like he was going to have a mental breakdown. " What about this one ? It's Chikorita, the grass pokemon ! "

" Uh, if it's a grass pokemon, can it make weed ? "

" Yeah... "

" Good. I'll take it. "

" Yes ! I think it's cool, too ! Would you like to nickname it ? "

" Sure. "

Kris released her pokeball to reveal a four hundred pound Chikorita with glassy eyes. " What the hell is wrong with it, Elm ?! " she demanded.

" Eh. It got fat. "

" What ?! "

" Hey, if you were forced into a pokeball for two years and nothing to eat except for its weed, you wouldn't look like a movie star, either. "

" Yeah..."

" And no takebacks ! "

" ...Damn it. Fine. He's a dude, so I'll name him Bob. "

Professor Elm smiled. " Anyway, Mr. Pokemon lives near Cherrygrove, which is the next city. It's a pretty good route, albeit with humping Caterpie. "

He turned to a machine. " If your pokemon is hurt, you should heal it with this machine. "

" Do I _have_ to ? "

T.T " Well, if you want a lesser risk of getting the PETA on you. "

" Oh. Well, I'll probably take my chances. "

The professor nodded. " Right. Here's my number. Call me if you screwed something up (or if you just want to chat). "

O.o " Are you a stalker or something ? "

" Nah. I'm gay. "

O.O " Yeah...I'm gonna leave now. "

As Kris started to leave, the smelly assistant approached her. " Kris, I'm glad I caught up to you. "

" What do you mean ? I've been here for ten minutes already ! "

" Well, anyway, I want to make it up to you for getting such an obese pokemon, so this is for you. "

He handed Kris a potion and she turned a light shade of red. " It's called money, you know. "

" Yeah, well, you know. I'm homeless. "

T.T " Do you people smoke meth or anything like that ? "

" I don't know about Elm, but yeah. I do. "

" Damn it. "

" Anyway, there are only two of us due to budget cuts, so we're always busy. "

Kris sweatdropped. " You don't look busy to me. "

" Yeah, well...I just loaf around. I really don't care about research. I just want Elm dead already. "

" So do I, Greg. So do I. "

As Kris started off to Mr. Pokemon's house, she noticed that the red haired boy was still standing outside of Professor Elm's window, even after the sexual harassment lawsuit. Kris huffed. " Hey, dude ! Why don't you get a f--king life and quit looking at Elm's chest like you have problems or something?! "

_" HE DOESN'T HAVE ONE, BITCH ! HE'S FLAT ! "_

Kris turned a deeper shade of red and threw a rock at Silver as she stomped off into the grass. _" F--K YOU, SCIZOR ! "_

_**"...MY NAME IS SILVEEEER ! "**_

* * *

(The Map Guy)

When Kris finally reached Cherrygrove City, she noticed an old man standing there. " Yo, Old Man ! What's wrong ? " she inquired.

The old man turned to her and grinned. " You're a new trainer. I can tell by that hideous hairstyle of yours. "

" Uh, my style is not hideous, but yes. I am a new trainer. "

" It's OK ! Everyone is a new trainer at some point ! If you want, I can show you what I know in this city ! "

" Um, actually, I'm pretty good. "

" Oh, don't act like such a noob. Come on. "

The old man grabbed Kris's hand as he started to show her around the city. He stopped at the Pokemon Center. " Okay, Kris. This is a Pokemon Center. Lead by the cold-hearted Nurse Joy, they can heal (or scar) your pokemon in about ten minutes to ten days. You'll be relying on them a lot if you don't want to get attacked by PETA, so you better learn about them and not piss them off. "

He led Kris to the Pokemon Mart. " Okay. This is called a Pokemon Mart. They sell balls for capturing rabid pokemon, and other useful items. "

Kris scratched her head. " Uh, do they sell food ? "

" That costs extra. _MWHAHAHAHA ! "_

The old man dragged Kris towards Route 30. " Route 30 is out this way. Trainers will be battling and abusing their pokemon there. Also, there's been a case of gas leaks in this route, so I suggest you buy a gas mask and eat cold foods while you're traveling. "

" Okay... "

He walked over to the sea. " This is the sea, Kris. Some pokemon are found only in the water. Oh, and don't try to get too close to the water if you're ever high. We've had some people drown and some lawsuits, and personally I'm tired of dealing with all of this b.s. "

Finally, he walked over to a house. " Okay. And this is my house. Thanks for your time, Kris. Let me give you something. "

The old man gave Kris a holey map card. She gritted her teeth. " This is from 1985, you know. "

" Eh. Anyway, Pokegear becomes more useful as you add cards ! "

T.T " I wouldn't have this problem if my flippin' mom would have just bought me a f--king PokeNav. "

" Eh. Anyway, I hope you don't die on your journey. Bye ! "

He entered his house. Kris stood there for a few minutes before gasping. " That old bastard ! He stole my wallet ! "

**KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK !**

The old man opened the door. " What ?! "

_**" GIVE ME BACK MY WALLET ! "**_

-.- " Fine. "

He handed Kris her wallet. She tapped her foot. " And my bra... "

" Damn it, you're more of a bitch than I thought ! _HERE ! "_

The old man threw Kris her bra and slammed the door. Kris huffed. " _**STUPID PEDOPHILE ! "**_

* * *

(Mr. Pokemon)

Kris walked inside Mr. Pokemon's house to see a very small one-room house. Mr. Pokemon smiled. " Hello, hello ! You must be Kris ! I heard that you would come since your mom is such a blabbermouth when she's drunk. Anyway, this is what I wanted that crackpot professor to examine. "

He handed her an egg labeled 'Mystery Egg'. Kris scratched her head. " An egg ? You've _got_ to be kidding me. "

" Nope. I know a couple who run a Pokemon Day-Care service. They gave me that egg 'cause they've been hatching too many pokemon. I thought it was a discovery, so I sent mail to Professor Elm. For pokemon evolution, Elm is the only sane professor to do anything. Even Professor Oak recognizes that ! "

Professor Oak turned from the ancient computer that he had been browsing on. Mr. Pokemon continued. " If my crackpot theories are correct, Elm will know it. "

Professor Oak snickered. " Say crack again. "

" Crack. "

" Hehehe..."

The professor walked over to Kris. " Ah ! So you're Kris ! "

Kris furrowed her brows. " Yeah. We've met before. "

" No, we haven't. "

" Yes, we did. Remember the long five-minute introduction when you broke into my house yesterday ? "

" I'm Oak , a pokemon bounty hunter ! " Professor Oak continued, ignoring Kris's statement. " I was just visiting my good old friend (and drug dealer) Mr. Pokemon. I heard you were running an errand for the dorky Elm, so I waited here just for you ! "

" Do you know how wrong that last statement sounded ? "

He pointed to Bob's pokeball. " Ooh ! A semi-rare pokemon ! Let's see...Cool ! I understand why Elm gave you a pokemon for this errand ! He thought you two would become friends and and that you would bond together like so many AAML fanfics. "

" No...that was because I kept bitching him out to give me one. "

" Ah ! You seem somewhat responsible (or, at least more responsible that Gold could ever be). How would you like to help me out ? "

Kris shook her head. " I have better things to do than help you out, perv. "

" See ? This is the latest version of the Pokedex ! "

" Why does it say 2001 on it then ? "

" I don't know. Anyway, it automatically records data on pokemon you have seen or been chased by ! It's one of the highest forms of technology that Johto has ! "

Professor Oak handed Kris the pokedex and grinned. " Go meet many types of pokemon and complete the pokedex, or I will hurt you ! But, I've stayed too long. I have to get to Goldenrod for my usual radio show and to flirt with Mary ! "

Kris sweatdropped. " I thought you lived in Pallet, though. "

-.- " Shut the hell up. Kris, I'm counting on you. "

-poof!-

Mr. Pokemon sighed. " You're going back to that nerdy professor ? Why don't you stay a bit ? "

" No, I'm fine. "

" Well, I'm depending on you. "

Kris looked at the computer. " Hey, Mr. Pokemon ? "

" Yeah ? "

" You do know that your Compaq is outdated, right ? "

" No, it's not. "

" It says '98 on the warranty ! "

" Whatever. "

" I have one more question. "

" Yeah ? "

" Why aren't you in the anime ? "

Mr. Pokemon blushed. " Well, Kris. It's called a drug addiction. Oh, and Cyrus has been trying to hunt me down for the past fourteen years. Anyway, look at the time. _GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE ! "_

He shoved Kris out and her Pokegear started ringing. It was Elm. " H-hello, Kris ? It's a disaster ! Something bad happened ! What should I do ? "

" Uh, call the police ? " Kris suggested.

" They can't do anything ! Oh, no ! Please get back here right now ! "

T.T " Why should I ? "

_**" DAMN IT, COME BACK HERE OR I WILL GET HARLEY ON YOU ! "**_

O.o " Fine, I'll come back. "

And so Kris headed back to New Bark Town, although unwillingly.

End


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 : The First Wrath of Silver

(Battling Silver)

As Kris walked back towards New Bark Town with Bob, she spotted the red-haired kid loitering next to the stop sign. She sweatdropped. " Dear God, maybe I should just f--k Elm and go straight to Violet City, " she thought.

Just as she was about to do that though, Silver stopped her. " Hey ! Can you at least _try_ to stick to the friggin script ?! " he barked.

Kris sighed. " Damn it. Fine. "

" Good. Now...what did the script say again ? "

He grabbed a binder out of his backpack and read the contents inside of it. " Okay. You got a pokemon at the lab, didn't you ?! "

_" Nawww_, I got it at a raffle, " Kris said, rolling her eyes.

Silver massaged his temple. " What a waste. A wimp like you. "

_" WHAT DO YOU MEAN ?! I JUST SUED YOUR ASS TWO DAYS AGO ! "_

" ...Damn it. Don't you get what I'm saying ?! "

" No. You're not making any sense, r-tard. "

" Well, I too, have a good pokemon , and I'll show you that I'm not b.s.ing you ! "

He grabbed a pokeball and released it to reveal...

A Totodile.

Kris's cheeks flared. " You're such a dumb-ass ! Are you _blind_ ?! I have a Chikorita, not a Cyndaquil ! "

" So ?! I wasn't about to take that sick mouse thing ! " Silver huffed. " I don't have my shots, and besides...isn't he cute ? "

" No..."

" Eh. Let's battle. I wanna chase some birds already ! "

" Okay. Bob - vine whip ! "

The sluggish Chikorita used vine whip on the Totodile and immediately K.O.'d it. Silver gawked at the fainted pokemon. " What the- how the _hell _did you do that ?! " he demanded. " Isn't it, like, level five ?! "

" Damn, you're so dense ! It's called training ! "

Silver crossed his arms. " Well, are you happy humiliating me ?! Unlike you, I don't have dental insurance ! "

" What the hell does that have to do with anything ?! "

" D- you wouldn't understand. Anyway, my name is ... "

T.T " You don't have to censor your own name. I already know who you are. "

" D- _SHUT UP !_ I'm going to be the world's greatest pokemon trainer ! "

Kris stifled a giggle. " Have fun with that, Douche. "

Silver blushed and was about to push Kris when she held out a piece of paper and grinned. " Do you want to get sued again ? " she asked tauntingly.

-.- " I'll make sure to beat you !_ I WILL ! "_

As he ran off in the opposite direction, Kris shook her head. " That is one f--ked up emo kid. "

* * *

(Police Info - Second Wrath of Silver)

When Kris stepped inside the lab, she heard the policeman talking. " Yeah, I heard a semi-rare pokemon was stolen here, " he said to her. " I was just trying to pry the information by this whiny nerd. "

_**" HE STOLE MUH DRINKIN' BUDDY ! "**_ Professor Elm wailed.

The policeman sighed. " Anyway, it was a young male with long, hippy-like hair. "

" Did he look like an emodouche ? " Kris inquired.

" Yeah. "

" Yep. I battled that retard. "

" Really ?! Do you know his name ? "

" Yeah, his name is Schroder. "

" Okay ! So, Schroder was his name ! "

Kris rolled her eyes. " I just said that. "

" Thanks for helping me find out ! "

The policeman walked out of the lab. As Professor Elm kept on sobbing, Kris threw the egg at him. " Here's your mystery, Elm ! "

The professor looked at the egg and chuckled. " This ? But...yes ! It's an egg ! Ah, man ! I was starting to get starve- oh, I mean...If it is, it's a helluva discovery ! "

He looked at Kris's pokedex. " Dah ? Oak gave you a pokedex ?! "

" Yeah, because you're too incompetent to do jack squat. "

Elm waved a hand as he yawned. " That's incredible ! Usually he's pretty stingy ! Did you see what he did to those carolers last Christmas ? A l_ooot_ of blood was shed. "

" Anyway, Kris. You may have what it takes to become the Champion and get Johto out of our poverty ! You seem to be getting great with that little bastard, too !"

Kris gave a nasty glare. " He pissed on my favorite blanket. I kicked him. "

-.- " That isn't the point. You should take the pokemon gym challenge ! "

" Do I _have_ to ? "

xD " Yes. You do. The closest gym would be in Violet City. The road to victory and great wealth will be long and tiring. Before you leave, you should tell your mom. "

" Nah, my mom would just forget it due to her memory loss problem. "

O.o " Okay, then... "

As Kris started to leave, the aide stopped her. " Here's some poke balls. Make sure you don't get robbed. "

" I won't, Greg. Make sure you don't get raided by the DEA. "

" I won't. "

Just as Kris was about to exit the lab, a BOOM noise was heard, and Silver fell halfway from the ceiling, dangling from a rope. " _**IT'S SILVER ! "**_

Kris shook her head. " You have got to be the biggest idiot around, showing your face after stealing a pokemon. "

Silver stuttered for a few seconds before cursing. _" LANCE ! I SCREWED UP AGAIN ! "_

A muffled voice was heard on his phone. _**" DAMN IT, SILVER ! I TOLD YOU TO QUIT BEING SO DAMN VENGEFUL ! "**_

" Aww, but it's _soooo_ fun ! " Silver whined.

**" EH ! "**

**-CLICK!-**

Silver stared at Elm, Kris, and Greg for a few minutes before falling all the way. He glared at Kris. " What the hell are you snickering at ?! "

V.V " Well, it doesn't have to do with the fact that your bunny boxers are showing. "

_" WHAT ?! NOOOOO ! I WILL GET MY REVENGE, KRIS ! "_

Kris banged her head on the door before exiting. " Whatever. Bye, Scooter. "

_**" ...IT'S SILVER, DAMN IT !**_ "

* * *

(Final First Wrath of Silver - Bunnies For All !)

(Somewhere on the route towards Violet City...)

As Kris was walking, she spotted someone petting a white bunny. " Ohhh, you're _soooo_ cute and fluffy ! Pet the bunny. _PET THE BUNNYYYY ! "_

She sweatdropped. " Yeah...kinda weird. "

_" DON'T KNOCK IT 'TIL YOU TRY IT ! "_

Kris immediately recognized that voice. " Oh, no. It's Skinner. "

Silver glared at the girl. " You jerk. It's Silver. "

" Eh. What the hell are you doing with that bunny ? "

" Trying to kill it... "

Kris snickered. " That's not what I was seeing. "

_**" WHAT ?! "**_

He glanced at the bunny for a few seconds before blushing. " I wasn't doing anything to it ! " he hissed.

" So, what's with the bunny boxers ? "

" Uhhh...my dad got me them. "

" Hehehe...but your dad ditched you. Think of some better excuse, why don't you ? "

" Uh...they were on sale. "

Kris rolled her eyes. " Just admit it. You're not really emo, are you ? "

Silver crossed his arms. " Of course I am ! I have the long hair, the knife for cutting myself, the black eyeliner, and the bunny boxers ! "

T.T " And since when do bunny boxers have anything to do with being emo ? Uchiha doesn't worship fluffy bunnies, and neither does his brother ! "

_**" WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE F--K UP ?! "**_

" 'Cause...I don't wanna. "

Silver hugged the bunny. " Well, leave me and Mr. Pickles alone ! "

O.O " Yeah...I'll make sure of it. "

-poof!- End

* * *

_Hehehe...next chapter will be based in Violet City._

_And there is exclusive footage of my rough draft of this story on . My username is Axletia - check my journal. The fun keeps going on, and there's food in the fridge for reviewers and/or favoriters. _


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 : Sprout Tower, Falkner, Earl, and Egg

_Okay, I own nothing. Except my ideas. _

* * *

The next day as Kris entered Violet City, she sighed. " Bob, we'll have to go to that stupid dilapidated tower first, 'cause unfortunately, my eyesight sucks and we need that Flash HM. Let's get this over with. "

She walked over to the tower and went inside. The tower was filled with bald headed monks and tourists all getting high. She sweatdropped. " I am not gonna battle a bunch of pothead monks, " she muttered.

The girl walked up to the shrine and got out...

**HER GAMESHARK !**

One of the monks scratched his head nervously. " You can't do that ! You might glitch up the game ! "

Kris rolled her eyes. " That's a risk I think I'll take, hippie. "

_**POWER OF ACTION REPLAY !**_

An elevator popped up to where the shrine was supposed to be. As Kris rode it and came out of it on the top floor, she saw the Sage and Silver having a picnic. A checkered tablecloth was placed on the floor. Food filled the cloth. Kris sweatdropped. " What the hell ? ... "

Sage turned around to see the girl and blushed. " Uh, I wasn't expecting you for a couple of hours. "

" Hmph. "

" Can you wait ? "

" No. "

Silver's cheeks flared. " _**FINE, THEN ! F--K THE PICNIC ! "**_

He threw the picnic into the wall, smearing macaroni and kidney beans all over a picture of a Bellsprout. **_" LET'S DO THE DAMN SCRIPT, 'CAUSE KRIS IS SUCH A BITCH ! "_** he roared.

Kris slapped Silver across the face. _**" SHUT THE F--K UP ! "**_

Sage sighed. " Okay, lady. Could you turn around for a second so I could fast-forward. "

" Whatever. "

The two men had the battle, and Sage bowed. " You are indeed skilled as a trainer, Snorunt. "

-.- " It's Silver. "

" Eh. As promised, here is your HM. "

" Uh, I don't need one. I bought it at Target. "

" Fu- _TAKE IT ! "_

O.o " Okay... "

" Let me say this - you act like pokemon are your bitches. You're going to get put up by the po-po. Pokemon are not whores (except for Mesprit.) "

Silver turned to Kris. " Hmph ! He_ claims_ to be the elder, but he sucks. I see why. I would never lose to fools who think that pokemon are nothing more than bitches. I only care about strong pokemon that can kick the crap out of old people. I would rather torch a weak pokemon that raise it. So, bye, bitch. "

The boy used an escape rope to quickly leave the tower before Kris had a chance to hurt him. Sage Li bowed to Kris. " So good of you to come here ! Sprout Tower is a place of training ! "

" Uh, it doesn't look that way to me... " Kris trailed off.

" People and pokemon test their bonds to make sure they don't lose at casinos. I am the final test. Allow me to make sure you're not abusive. "

Both of them grabbed the pokeballs. Sage snickered. " You will never win. You're a girl. "

" Oh, yeah ? "

(Ten minutes later...)

" How the f--k did I lose ?! " Sage demanded.

" Uh, I saw you snorting crack, dude. I could even turn you into the police if I want, " Kris coolly replied.

" Uh...don't do that. Here's your stupid HM...and twenty bucks. _NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE ! "_

**-BOOT!-**

Kris glared at the tower as she stood on the ground. " Yeah...blackmailing is good, " she muttered.

* * *

(Falkner)

As Kris entered the Violet City Gym, a guy with glasses stopped her. " Yo ! I'm no trainer, but I'm a nerd and can give you cheap advice ! Believe it ! "

-.- " Don't go plagiarizing Naruto, man. It isn't cool. "

" Eh. If you believe, you can win the championship. You believe ? "

" Duh. "

" Okay. Grass is weak against flying. "

" Nawww. Really ? And does the sun jump around every day to hurt the moon ? "

" I dunno. I'd have to check. "

Kris sighed. " Idiot. "

After battling two other trainers, she had finally reached Falkner. He was a kid of fifteen with green hair and a serious expression. He smirked at Kris. " I'm Falkner, the Violet City Gym leader (and probably the only serious one in Johto). "

" You sure look like it, " Kris commented.

" Yeah. It's the look. People say you can pwn flying-type pokemon with a jolt of electricity, but you're SOL since there are no electric - type pokemon before Violet City ! I will show you the real power of my birdies ! "

" What, besides crapping on all of the cars ? "

" D-nice one. "

:) " Thanks. "

" Have you been practicing ? "

" A little, yeah. "

" Wow. Okay, let's start our battle. "

Falkner : Go, Pidgey !  
(Pidgey pops out)  
Kris : Bob, go !  
(Chikorita pops out)  
Kris : Bob, use toxic !  
Falkner : WTF !  
(Chikorita uses toxic ; Pidgey faints) Falkner : Ah, man. Weak. Kris : I train a lot in my spare time, okay ?! Falkner : Oh, well. Pidgeotto, go !  
(Pidgeotto pops out)  
Falkner : Gust !  
(Pidgeotto uses gust ; Bob is half-damaged)  
Kris : Shit.  
Falkner : O.o " You didn't get censored.  
Kris : Battle sequences are different. You can use the s-word all you want.  
Falkner : Cool. _SHIT MAKER !_  
Kris : -rolls eyes- Bob, use body slam, please.  
(Bob uses body slam ; Pidgeotto faints)  
Falkner : Damn it, that isn't fair ! Kris : Neither is your Pidgeotto's level. Falkner : Right. My dad's cherished bird pokemon...they're all fainted. O.o He'll be pissed at me tonight. All right. Here's your badge. It's the Zepherbadge !

Falkner grinned at Kris. " Zephyrbade raises the attack power of your pokemon, and it allows them to use the flash. And here's a gift. "

He handed Kris TM31. " When you cram TM or HM CDs in a pokemon's throat, they will learn a new move. But, TM CDS digest easily, so they can be used only once. Anyway, this is Mud-Slap. It does stuff - I'm not sure what. "

Kris shrugged. " Eh. I really don't care, anyway. "

) " That's the spirit. Anyway, there are a lot of gyms. There's supposed to be more than eight, but I think those extra gyms got demolished for firewood. Make sure you get those badges. I'm going to train harder to become the greatest bird master and show my sister Winona that she sucks ! "

The girl gave a soft laugh. " Way to go ! I hope I see you soon ! "

Falkner started to blush. " Me too...want my phone number ? "

" Sure... "

He handed her a scrap of paper. " ...Want my address...or my underpants ? "

O.O " No, I'm not ready for that. "

" Of course. "

Kris nodded as she started to exit the gym. The nerdy guy grinned. " Nice battle ! Keep it up, and you'll be the Champ in no time at all. "

" No thanks to you, nerd. "

_SLAM !_

Falkner sighed as he held a single strand of Kris's hair. " Yep, I'll see you soon, Kris. I'll see you soon. "

* * *

(Earl : AKA Engrish Man)

As Kris exited the gym, she saw a fat man with a curled mustache. " Hey. This is the second person I've seen looking in a window like he's homeless or something, " she said.

The man spun around and grinned. " Hello ! You are trainer ? Battle Bird Sh-tter, win you did ? "

0.0 " Dude...what's with your English ? "

" Speak I Engrish good ! Very good ! Earl my name is ! Win you did at Sh-t Gym ? "

" Yes. "

She shuffled in her shoes. " Damn it, not another Engrish-speaking immigrant. We already have, like, two million of them, " she thought. "

" Ooh, la la ! Very indeed nice ! "

Kris sweatdropped. " Dude, where do you come from ? "

" From France I come ! "

" Just like Fantina. She had this problem for two flippin' years, " Kris thought.

" Homeless am I ! " Earl continued. " No job 'cause burned the Burnt Tower, did I. "

" Wait a minute...you burnt down the tower ?! "

" Did I yes. "

_**SLAP !**_

**_" YOU F--KING MORON ! YOU HAVE GOT TO BE THE SECOND MOST IDIOTIC GUY I KNOW NOW, RIGHT AFTER GOLD ! "_**

Earl shrugged. " Kid Gold nice. Ice cream give he me. Good ice cream. Stood bathroom at sh-tting two hours for ! "

" What the f--k ?! I can't understand you. "

" Girls no understand me 'cause retarded they're ! "

**CHAINSAW'D !**

Earl fell to the ground, dead. Kris moaned. " That was one annoying fat dude. "

* * *

(Egg)

After Kris killed Earl, she received a phone call. It was Elm, of course. " Hello, Kris ? Did you see Greg ? He was supposed to meet you at the Pokemon Center, but I think he got stoned, so in that case, the egg is in the dumpster. "

_**" I'M NOT TAKING CARE OF SOME GOTDAMN EGG ! "**_

_**" YES YOU WILL, OR HARLEY WILL HURT YOU ! "**_

-click-

Kris picked up the egg and sighed as she placed it in her pack as she headed for Azalea Town. " Gotdamn nerdy suicidal professor, " she muttered.

End


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 : Kurt, Slowpoke Well, and Bugsy

When Kris entered Azalea Town, she sweatdropped. People in black clothing were swarmed all over the place, including the front entrance of the gym. She tapped the guy blocking the gym on the shoulder. " Hey, can I come into the gym ? " she asked.

The man shook his head. " Nope. Do you know about SlowpokeTail ? "

Kris made a face. " Yes. My mom always gave it to me when she ran out of money at the casinos and liquor stores. "

" I heard it's tasty ! " the guy continued.

" No way, dude. It's all slimy and has these scales that look like they're bacteria or something. "

He waved a hand to ignore Kris's comments. " Aren't you glad I told you that ? "

T.T " Go to Hell. "

* * *

" Well, Bob. So far Azalea Town is a dive. And I think Bugsy is a hostage right now, but I really don't give a damn, " Kris muttered.

" Chika ! "

" No, I'm not going to buy you five pounds of cranberries. You're already obese. Do you _want_ to break the scale at your next checkup ? "

Bob squealed out of frustration. Kris sighed as she punched a mailbox. " Why do I put up with all of this bullsh-t ? There's you, and then there's Scooter (or whatever the hell his name is). Plus there's Elm calling me every five f--king minutes to see if that stupid egg has hatched yet, and Mom calling me to see if I'm on welfare yet. So...let's hope Kurt is just a regular old man that's senile. "

She went inside Kurt's house. It was pretty empty, with tons of boxes that looked like he was a pack rat. Kris cleared her throat. " Hey, Kurt ? "

Kurt woke up from his sleep. He had sideburns and a goatee. He moaned. " Hm ? Who the hell are you ? The mailman with my prescriptions ? "

" No...I'm Kris. "

" Gold, eh ? "

" _NO, YOU RETARD ! KRIS ! "_

" Oh. You want me to make some balls ? "

" Yes, I'm very hungry. Riceballs are definitely on my diet. Screw the Americanizated script. "

" Uh, that wasn't what I meant. "

O.O " What kind of sick pervert _are_ you ? "

" No...those little balls called Lure and Friend, and all of those other kinds of balls, most of them that don't even make it to Generation 3 'cause they suck. "

" Oh, yeah...no, I'm good. "

Kurt shrugged. " Sorry, but you'll have to wait. Do you know about Team Rocket ? "

" Yeah, my dad was in it for a good five months before shooting himself. "

" I'll tell you anyhow. "

-.- " I don't wanna hear it. "

" Eh. Team Rocket's an evil gang that uses pokemon to get better in life. Three years ago, a kid came and broke Team Rocket up. It was really funny. "

Kris yawned. " You mean Red. "

Kurt scratched his head. " Huh ? "

" Red. That's his name. "

" What the- How the hell do _you_ know that ?! "

" Well, besides the fact that he's my distant cousin, the newspaper kept braggin about him every day for two weeks ! "

The older man kicked the table. " Damn it, you're screwing up the script ! "

" Good. The script _sucks_. "

There was silence between the two before Kurt spoke again, this time in a disinterested voice. " I have to save those Slowpoke ! "

Kris shrugged. " Why ? Everyone knows a Slowpoke grows retarded unless you shove that rock up its ass ! "

" Really ? "

T.T " Yeah, really. "

" Well, then, f--k it. I'm not gonna shove nothin' up those things' asses. "

Suddenly, Kurt's grandkid tugged his shirt sleeve. " Grandpa ! That Slowpoke pays for our rent ! "

" Lucy, I thought I told you to go to your own home, " Kurt growled.

Lucy shuffled in her tracks. " I can't. Bugsy's been bothering me, and my parents are trying to fix me up with some perv. "

-.- " Damn it. Fine, I'll go save the Slowpoke. But you're not in my will. "

Lucy shrugged. " Eh. Fine with me. "

Kurt left and Lucy and Kris stared at each other for a long time. Finally, Kris threw a chocolate bar at the little girl. " Here's a Snickers Bar. Now quit staring at me like that ! " she hissed.

" Grandpa's gone...I'm so lonely...but hey ! Now I can trash the house ! "

" Aren't you like, six, or something ? "

" Six and a _half_ ! "

Kris sweatdropped. " Yeah... "

Lucy made a face at the older girl. " Grandpa can't handle all of those Spaceship people by himself. "

" I'm not helping that guy. I'm better off just leaving this town and finding another gym to humilate. "

" Have fun, then, 'cause there's only eight gyms in the games, " Lucy said, smirking.

_**" ...SON OF A BITCH ! "**_

* * *

(Slowpoke Well)

Kris went inside the well. It was very dark and grim. Zubat flocks swirled all over the girl as she sprayed repellent at them. " Damn, this is worse than the Union Cave, " she muttered.

Kurt spotted her and waved. " Hey there, Gold ! "

T.T _" MY NAME IS KRIS ! "_

" Oh. So, I was rambling on about the Vietnam War at the guards and I ran them off with my shotgun. But then I fell in the well. Or maybe it was that red-haired guy. I don't know. I slammed down hard on the ground, and now I broke a couple of my spine bones, so I can't move. Sh-t. If I were fit, I would be able to have my rib surgery. It can't be helped, though. "

" Well, it's called dying... " Kris trailed off.

" Thanks a lot. Anyway, could you help me release the Slowpoke ? "

" Nope. "

" No ?! _**YOU F--KING BITCH ! "**_

**SLAP !**

" I have a better idea, " Kris said as she stepped outside of the well.

As Kris put on her goggles, she turned to the camera and shook her head. " What I'm about to do is deemed terrorist behavior, and unless you're a character of a RPG game, like Pokemon, or Mario (but not Sega games, 'cause most of them suck), I advise everyone not to do this. So...let's _**BLOW THIS BITCH UP ! "**_

She pushed hard on the dynamite thing and the entire well exploded. Everything in it died instantly (except for the Slowpoke). Kurt's head popped into the sky and fell to the ground. Kris picked up the head and showed it to the camera. " And this is when I'm in a decent mood, " she muttered.

* * *

(Bugsy)

Kris sighed as she went back to the unguarded gym. " Finally. I was glad that guy got busted for public intoxication, or I would _never_ be able to hurt him with Mr. Blady. "

As she stepped inside, the nerdy glasses guy stopped her. " Yo, Kris ! Bugsy may be young, but his bug pokemon are effin' creepy. It's going to be tough without my advice ! "

Kris rolled her eyes. " Yeah, and I'm sure that you're the biggest noob in Johto, I swear to Bob. "

" Yeah, that's probably right. Anyway..._BUG POKEMON DON'T LIKE FIAH ! "_

" Don't start talking like Blaine now, dumb-ass. "

" Flying-type moves are also effective, " the guy continued. " And Pidgey don't taste that good. I've tried. So...go for it ! "

Kris nodded. " Yeah, no thanks to you. "

Four trainers later, Kris faced Bugsy. Or, rather, the top of Bugsy's head, as he was four inches shorter than her. She burst out laughing. " OMG ! Are you a midget or somethin' like that ? " she inquired.

_" I'M ELEVEN ! "_ Bugsy roared.

( O.O ) " You f--king serious ? "

-.- " Yes. But it's all because of my dad, Aaron. He's an ass, and he stunted my growth by hitting my feet with a hammer. "

" Yeah, I heard that he was being hunted by that weird Rosonetis kid. He apparently said the wrong words on a gameshow. "

Bugsy nodded. " Yeah. Anyway, my bug-pokemon are all powerful. "

" No way. Haven't you ever seen the first movie in '98 ? "

" No...anyway, my research has made me a pokemon bug master ! "

" A short pokemon bug master, " Kris muttered.

" D- SHUT UP ! Let me show you ! "

Bugsy : Goooo, Kakuna !

(Kakuna pops up)

Kris : Bob, go.  
(Bob pops up)

Bugsy : Uh, harden !  
(Kakuna uses harden)

Kris : Bob, use vine whip.

(Bob uses vine whip ; Kakuna loses 1/4 of health)  
Bugsy : Harden !  
Kris : Again ? (Kakuno uses harden)  
Kris : Bob, use body slam !  
(Bob uses body slam ; Kakuno loses 2/4 of health)

Bugsy : **HARDEN **!

Kris : Shit, you're a dumb-ass ! Bob, K.O him with tackle !  
(Bob uses tackle ; Kakuna faints)

Bugsy : DAH ! Metapod, _gooooo !_  
(Metapod pops up)

Kris : Not another shell pokemon. Bob, **HURT HIM !**

(Bob uses an axe on Metapod ; Metapod faints and sheds blood)

Bugsy : _YOU KILLED HIM !_  
Kris : I'm not gonna deal with harden. It's a gay move.  
Bugsy : No way.  
Kris : Hell yeah. Bugsy : You know what ?! F--k it ! Go, Scyther !  
(Scyther pops up) Bugsy : Fury cutter !  
(Scyther uses fury cutter...on himself)  
Bugsy : WTF ?! Kris : O.o Is your Scyther emo ? Bugsy : -sob- Yes. Oh, well. I guess you're better than me. I need to read more. Here's your badge.

Bugsy gave Kris the HiveBadge. " Do you know what the HiveBadge does ? "

" I really don't care. "

" Yeah, it does stuff. Oh, and here's a TM. "

Kris received TM 49. Bugsy grinned. " That's fury cutter. It also does stuff. "

" Yeah... "

" Bug pokemon pwn forever ! Remember that ! "

Kris nodded as she quickly ran out of the gym and sighed. " That kid was so annoying. Now, our next stop is Goldenrod City. Whoa...that doesn't sound right. Let's go ! "

And so Kris continued her journey to her next gym battle.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6 : Owning Silver, the Duck Thing, and Day Care

_Shorter chapter...okay. _

* * *

Kris sighed as she walked with Bob. " You know what ? Maybe Mom _was_ right. Maybe I _would've _been better off acting homeless for money instead of dealing with all of this bullsh-t every single day. "

She looked at her holey map. " Okay, so we have go through...the forest. -sigh- Good thing I have bug repellent. "

Just as she was about to go through the gate, though, Silver stopped her. Kris rolled her eyes. " Oh, great. I thought Scooter lost my trail. "

Silver huffed. " It's_ Silver ! "_

" Whatever. Do I _give_ a Rattata's ass ?! "

" ...I dunno. Anyway. Tell me. Is it really true that Team Rocket came back ? "

" Yeah. They're pretty screwed up in the head, though. I blew them up. "

" You know, my dad is the leader of Team Rocket. "

Kris shook her head. " He's not your dad anymore. "

" Huh ? What do you mean ? "

" -see Chapter One-. "

" Oh, yeah. The whole disowning thing. But you beat them ? "

Kris banged her head on the wall. " I live with retards. "

" Hmph. Quit lying. You're just a girl ! "

**SMACK !**

_**" SAY THAT AGAIN, F--KING ASSHOLE ! "**_

Silver whimpered. " Okay, I won't. Just don't hit me again ! "

T.T " Fine. "

The red haired boy scratched his head for a few minutes before continuing. " Let's see how good you are. "

" Okay. "

Kris walked up to Silver and pulled his underpants up to give him a wedgie. She sweatdropped. " Oh, my God. What is _with_ you and flippin' bunnies ?! "

_" F--K OFF !_ You have retarded pokemon ! You only won because you owned me ! "

" What the hell are you talking about ?! " Kris demanded. " We didn't even battle. "

_" D- SHUT UP !_ I hate weaklings, and I hate f--king girls ! They're all evil ! And...they su- "

**SMACK ! CLOBBER ! MALLET !**

" Shut the f--k up before I get my paper shredder..."

( 0.0 ) " Okay...bitch. "

-poof!-

Kris shook her head. " Silver is such a noob, " she muttered as she entered the forest.

* * *

(The Duck Thing)

As Kris was walking in Ilex Forest, she spotted a short guy pacing back and forth. " Oh, man...My boss is going to be super pissed at me. "

Kris sweatdropped. " What did you do ? "

" I lost Farfetch'd that cuts trees for charcoal. "

" Isn't cutting down trees bad for the environment, though ? "

The guy shrugged. " Eh. Screw the environment. Anyway, I can't go looking for it 'cause the cops are after me. Apparently burning down houses with gasoline is against the law. "

" So...what do you want me to do about it ? " Kris asked.

" Uh...get it back for me. "

Kris turned a deep shade of red. " Gotdamn it, why do_ I_ always have to do crap for people ?! I'm _not_ a maid. "

" Nope, you're just a girl. "

**PUNCH !**

-.- " Idiots. I guess I'll capture the duck thing for you. "

" Yay ! Hugs for all ! "

O.o " No. "

* * *

Kris looked around the forest and spotted a Farfetch'd. She sighed out of relief. " Oh, good. There's the little duck thing. "

" Kwaa ?! "

" Yeah, look, I have better things to do than babysitting a duck all day. "

" Kwaa ! "

_" Kwaa ! "_

" ...What the hell ?!... "

The Farfetch'd snickered as it peed on Kris's backpack. The young girl balled her hand into a fist. " Oh, it's on, duck. "

_**" KWAA ! "**_

-poof!-

Kris smirked as she cracked her knuckles. " Let's go. "

* * *

And so she continued to chase Farfetch'd for a very long time. She chased him through bushes and and trees until finally she got it back to the apprentice. He grinned. " Thanks, lady ! My boss's pokemon won't obey me because I'm a noob at training (oh, and I hit it). "

The boss guy sighed. " Yeah, he's an idiot. Now, how can I thank you ? " he asked Kris.

" Money..."

" I know ! You can have HM 01 ! It's Cut ! "

/.\ " Whatever. You all can go to Hell. "

-poof-

* * *

(Day Care)

When Kris stepped out of the forest, she spotted a building. " Well, here we are. Goldenrod City. It's supposed to be the biggest city in Johto...I'm not impressed. "

She went inside the building and looked around. An elderly couple sat in lawn chairs. Kris sweatdropped. " Yeah...maybe I should leave. "

The old man gasped. " No ! Don't do that ! I'm the Day-Care Man ! Do you know about eggs ? "

Kris sighed. " Yes. I have one. It's pretty damn annoying, too. "

" Well, I raise pokemon with my wife, and one day we found an egg ! It was really cool ! How incredible is that ?! "

-.- " It's lame. "

" Well, here, I'll give it to you for keeps. "

Kris's face turned pale._** " NOOOOOOOOOOOOO ! NO MORE EGGS ! "**_

**PAPER SHREDDER !**

The egg splattered into a million pieces (and a couple of organs). The old man jumped up. " Finally ! I'm free from this curse ! Thank you ! "

V.V " Well, you know. Eggs suck. "

The wife nodded. " Indeed they do, young lady. "

-sigh- " I want to get rid of this egg so badly, but I can't. I'll get sued. "

The old man patted Kris on the back. " It's okay. Now, go ahead ! Get away from here, before more eggs are hatched ! "

_" DAAHAHAHAHAHA ! "_

-poof!-

As Kris left the Daycare Center, her egg made popping noises.

-pop-pop.-

-pop-pop...-pop-

**HATCH !**

And it hatched into...a Togepi.

_**" GOTDAMN IT ! AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO'S SEEN EPISODE 63 ?! THIS THING DOES NOTHING BUT GIGGLE AND HURT PEOPLE ! "**_

Togepi giggled. " Priiiii ! "

/.\ " My life is ruined. Thanks a lot, Nintendo. "

(Nintendo) :D " No problem, Kris ! "

End (with cliffy !)

* * *

_Next chapter Kris will attempt to train the Egg Thing called Togepi. Will she succeed ? Probably not. XD_


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7 : A Horrorful Day in Goldenrod City

_MWHAHAHAHA ! Another chapter ! I own nothing ! (Except for my ideas...)_

* * *

(Last time on PKC Abridged...)

_As Kris left the Daycare Center, her egg made popping noises._

_-pop-pop.-_

_-pop-pop...-pop-_

_HATCH !_

_And it hatched into...a Togepi._

_" GOTDAMN IT ! AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO'S SEEN EPISODE 63 ?! THIS THING DOES NOTHING BUT GIGGLE AND HURT PEOPLE ! "_

_Togepi giggled. " Priiiii ! "_

_/.\ " My life is ruined. Thanks a lot, Nintendo. "_

_(Nintendo) :D " No problem, Kris ! " _(Calling Elm)

* * *

Kris gawked at the small egg thing called Togepi and sweatdropped. " I _knew_ I should have made an omelet of you when I had the chance..."

" Priiiii ! Toge-toge-priiiii ! "

T.T " Yeah...I'll name you Steve, after my stupid uncle. "

Togepi spun around in a circle before falling. The trainer moaned. " Great. Now I'm going to have to call stupid Elm on the outdated phone. Whoopee. I'm gonna have a_ fun-filled_ day ! Thank you, karma ! "

She entered Elm's phone number and after quite a few rings, the nerdy professor answered it. " Yo, is it the pizza man ? "

Kris's jaw dropped. " Dude...it's the f--king 21st century. It's called Caller ID. Aren't professors supposed to have at least some kind of money ? "

" No, we get paid by mayonaise packets. "

O.o " Yeah..."

" So...are you the pizza man or not ? "

_" ...I'M KRIS, RETARD ! "_

" Oh. Damn it. Well, what do you want ? It's not my fault you're dateless. "

_**" I'M ELEVEN ! "**_

" So ? Girls always want to date early. "

" The fu-?! There is no eligible bachelor. There's stupid Gold, whiny emodouche Scones, that creep Bugsy, and uh...Falkner, I guess. I'm not sure if he counts, though. He's the only nonretarded guy I've met so far. "

:D " You have a crush on Falkner ? "

_" SHUT THE HELL UP, ELM ! "_

Elm tutted. " Okay. So...how's the egg going for you ? "

T.T " The stupid bastard hatched. "

" Really ?! Wow ! "

" Yeah, _woooow. "_

" What kind of pokemon is it ? "

Kris balled up her hand into a fist as she clutched the PokeGear with her other hand very tightly. " It's the stupid egg thing. "

" Happiny ? "

" What ?! That's not even a Johto pokemon ! "

" Oh, yeah. Well, show me now ! "

_**DX " I'M IN GOLDENROD CITY ! I'M NOT GONNA GO BACK UNLESS YOU DIE ! "**_

_**" FINE ! SCREW YOU, THEN ! I WANT MY PIZZA ! "**_

-click!-

" Stupid, stupid, stupid. His wife must be a total moron to marry him, " Kris muttered.

* * *

(Training the Dumb Egg Thing)

" Priiiiii ! Priiiiii ! "

Steve had been driving Kris crazy for the past twenty minutes by squealing and spinning very loudly. She nearly threw him into the lake if it wasn't for P.E.T.A.

So, instead, she decided to train him (or...make him less stupid).

" Okay, Steve, " Kris said. " Show me what you can do. "

The Togepi grinned as it made a small chirping noise. Kris sweatdropped. " Is that supposed to be growl ? "

-nod-

T.T " Good Giratina. That's pathetic. Anything else you got ? "

Steve nodded as it made a bunch of pink hearts float up into the air. Kris facefaulted. " Yeah, that's really nice for a Contest (or Gold), but we're not going to defeat any gym leaders that way, so why don't you try an attack instead of a defensive maneuver ? "

The pokemon scratched his head, confused. Kris groaned. " Well, we now know that you are totally useless... "

_THROWS STEVE AT NEARBY TREE !_

**PSYCHIIIIIIC POWEEEEERS !**

**FRIED !**

X.o " Ow. I forgot about psychic pwnage... "

" Priiii ! Toge-toge-toge- PRIIII ! "

" Note to self - kill any eggs you see and make breakfast with them"

* * *

(Meeting Billy's Family)

Kris walked over to one house and scratched her head. " Bill ? "

She stepped in and an older woman sniffed her hand. " Ah, I see you collect pokemon. My Bill is an expert ! "

" Uh, who's Bill ? "

" He had to leave for the Pokemon Center in Ecruteak. They've been having problems, " the mother continued.

T.T " You're not answering my question, Lady... "

A little girl squeezed Kris's other hand tightly. " Yay ! You're a trainer ! I have a good phone number for you ! "

" Yeah ? Is it the number to Nintendo's executives ? 'Cause I have a score to settle with them. "

" Noooo, my brother, Bill. He made the PC system ! "

" Noooo, some other nerd did that, " Kris mumbled.

" Well, call him some time. He made the Pokemon PC system, but he's single, and he needs a girl _reaaaaal_ badly. "

-.- " Whatever. I'm gonna slowly go now. "

-poof-

* * *

(Gambling)

_**" GOTDAMN IT ! THE SLOTS ARE F--KING FIXED ! "**_ Kris screamed as she left the Game Corner in a huff.

* * *

(Bicycle)

Kris eyed a skinny boy and shook her head. The boy shoved her a bicycle. " Hi. I need business. "

T.T " I don't care... "

" My name is Wal. You see, I came from Cerulean City in Kanto because the townspeople were going to torch me for unfair prices, so I had to go to a gullible region. "

V.V " For once _somebody_ is right. "

" Anyway, I'll give you a bicycle for free so you could advertise ! "

The blue-green haired girl shook her head. " Ohhhh, no. I do not advertise. "

" Please ? I'll be your friend ! "

" Ew ! No ! "

" Please ? "

-.- " Fine. "

Wal grinned. " Thanks, girl ! When we're done advertising, then that will be twenty-five payments of 39.99 ! "

**PUNCH !**

Kris rolled her eyes. " Keep dreaming, Stinky Skeleton. "

* * *

(Radio Tower)

Kris looked around the spic-and-span tower that broadcasted on the radio. She sweatdropped. " I don't know _how_ these people could be so clean, " she muttered. " Their shows suck and are only for noobs. "

As she tried to leave, an overly perky woman stopped her. " Hey, hey ! Don't you want to go up to the second floor ? " the lady inquired.

T.T " No, I've seen enough. "

The woman shoved an outdated card into her PokeGear. " Normally, I wouldn't do this, but the lady who does do this is kinda spaced out. "

Kris looked at the suited lady and back at the perky lady. " Right. "

" Anyway, I'm Buena ! "

O.o " You're Hispanic ?! Wow ! Heatran must have froze over ! "

" Probably. Anyway, you want to play the game Password ? "

" No. "

" Why not ? "

" 'Cause...it's retarded. "

DX _" IT IS NOT RETARDE- "_

**-POOF!-**

Buena scratched her head. " Where did she go ? "

* * *

(Whitney - finally D)

As Kris stepped inside the gym, once again the nooby advice man with no name once again stopped her. " Yo ! Kris ! "

" What now ?! "

" This gym is home to normal-type pokemon and their pretty trainers ! I think you should use fighting-types ! "

Kris rolled her eyes. " Yeah, and I think you should use your brain. _**THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME RIGHT NOW ! "**_

" Oh. Well, have fun. "

" Stupid. "

(Ten minutes later...)

Kris stared at the pink-haired girl named Whitney, who smiled. " Hi ! I'm Whitney ! Everyone was into pokemon, so I got into it, too, though sometimes I can't remember where I live... "

" Anyway, all pokemon are super-cute ! "

" Hehe...do you want to try that theory ? " Kris asked with a smirk on her face. " I could show you Grimer. "

" Ewwww ! No ! So...are you here for a battle or some Sudafed ? "

O.O " A battle... "

" You sure ? "

" Yeah... "

" Okay, but I'm good ! "

Whitney : Gooooo, Clefairy, my darling !

(Clefairy pops out)  
Kris : Bob, go !  
(Bob pops out)  
Kris : Razor leaf !  
(Bob uses razor leaf; Clefairy loses 1/2 HP )  
Whitney : Phoo. Clefairy, use sing !  
(Clefairy uses sing; Bob falls asleep)  
Kris : **GAY !**  
Whitney : Hee hee...Clefairy, use doubleslap !  
(Clefairy uses doubleslap ; Bob loses 3/4 of HP )  
Kris : Shit...Bob. Come back !  
(Bob pops in)  
Kris : Steve...-shudder-...come out.  
(Steve pops out)  
Steve : _PRIIIII !  
_**PSYCHIC ENERGYYYYY !**  
Clefairy : X.X

Whitney : O.o _**NOOOO ! MILKTANK, GO !**_  
(Milktank pops out)  
Whitney : Rollou-  
**PSYCHIC ENERGYYYYYYYY !**  
FRY !  
Milktank : X.X

Whitney : _**AAAAAHHHHHHH ! NOOOOOOO !**_

Whitney crossed her arms as she started bawling. " Waaaaah ! Waaaah ! You meanie ! "

Kris rolled her eyes. " Get over it. "

" Hmph. You're such a _bitch ! "_

DX " I wouldn't be talking ! _You're_ the one that gets lost in your own damn house ! "

The pink haired girl gasped and made fists. _" GET OUT ! "_

As Kris was about to leave, Whitney's friend stopped her. " Don't mind Whitney. Gold dumped her. "

T.T " I _knew_ he was a bastard. "

" Yeah, she'll stop after she has her pills. "

Kris sweatdropped. " I thought that was only Winona. "

" No. Winona dabbles in Advil, Tylenol, and those kinds of pills. Whitney strictly sticks to Sudafed. "

" Whatever. I just want my gotdamn badge already. "

The trainer sighed. " Well, she'll be like that for a _looong_ while, so here's your badge. "

She handed Kris a badge and continued. " It does stuff, along with TM 45, which is Attract. That only makes the opposite gender go gaga over your pokemon, so use it wisely.

" Right. "

Whitney sniffled. " That was a good cry ! Come for a visit again, Kris ! "

Kris scoffed. " Yeah, right. "

" Bye-bye ! "

As Kris left, the advice guy looked at her with wide eyes. " You won ? "

" Yeah... "

" Wow. I was busy admiring the ladies. "

Kris got out a notebook and wrote in it. " Stupid advice, 1970's glasses, and now a perv, " she said. " Wow. You break the record, " she muttered sarcastically.

* * *

(Squirty !)

_" KRIS ! KRIIIIS ! "_

Kris turned around to see Falkner grinning. She lightly paled . " Hey, Falkner. "

Falkner's grin grew even wider. " Hey ! I got somethin' for your journey ! "

He handed her a small bottle. " I got this from the flower lady. She's a bit eccentric. Anyway, this is to get rid of the tree that's been blocking the path to Ecruteak. "

" Uh, thanks. "

" No problem...so...will you go out with me ? "

Kris shook her head. " Sorry, Falkner. Training comes first, then a career, and then dating. "

Falkner sighed sadly. " Okay. How was your day ? "

" Very, very crappy. How was yours ? "

" Same. "

" Ah. "

The two stood there for a few seconds before Kris cleared her throat. " I have to go. I'll see you later. "

-poof!-

Falkner moaned. " Ahhhhh, man. Another attempt fails, but I will see to it that I go on a date with Kris ! "

-flies out of there all serious!-

End

* * *

_Next episode involves the tree, Eusine and Silver, and...Morty ! (But most of us want Eusine to die, right ? Yeah...) :D_


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8 : Teh Tree, Burnt Tower, and Surfin' Morty

_YAH ! Finally updated ! We have trees, Silver, Creepo Urine (I mean...Eusine), and Morty ! YAH ! _

* * *

Kris sighed as she took her last bite from the ham sandwich. She looked at Bob and Steve and sighed even harder. " Okay, you two. We all know that a loooot of people in Johto have a retarded brain. Especially Gold. And Elm. So...do you think we should try and move that tree out of our way, or should we just go into the Ruins of Alph and disappear like Spencer Hale with the nervous breakdowns, but permanently ? "

Both Bob and Steve shook their heads at the last suggestion. Kris nodded. " Yeah. I've heard a lot of strange things about the Unown. Number One rule of thumb in pokemon training - never trust anything that looks like alphabet soup. "

" Chika ! "

" Priiiiiii ! "

T.T " I know. It sucks. So, we might as well just head on and move teh tree out of the way, or if it's annoying like that Engrish guy, kill him. "

" Teh ? _That's_ not a word ! "

Kris turned around to see none other than the goggle-wearing, red jacket-liking, major con-artist, Gold.

She cursed a few strands of obscenities before shoving Gold to the ground and punching him. " _**WHY DO YOU RUIN MY LIFE ?! "**_ she demanded.

Gold shrugged. " Uh, it's fun. And...I guess I use the word 'teh' often, too. "

" Yeah, it's not like we're being judged on grammar or somethin' like that. "

" Yah. And of course, I'm not getting detentions for calling girls bitches, even though it's totally tru- "

**PUNCH !**

_" IDIOT ! "_

" Whatev. I'm not here to impress. "

Kris groaned. " So...where are you heading ? A free buffet ? "

" No. I'm going to try and rob the National Park south of here. "

T.T " Why ? "

The black and messy-haired boy opened his jacket to reveal a white t-shirt with a giant Caterpie printed on it. " I've grown an interest for bug pokemon ! They're _sooooo_ prettiful ! "

O.O " Man, you're a retard. I'd almost rather hear stupid Silver babbling about bunnies and emo stuff than to hear you talk and blab. "

" Eh. Do you want some macaroni ? I have it _uncooooked ! "_

DX " Get...the hell...away from me...**NOW ! "**

Gold grinned. " Yah, okay ! I'll see ya on the flip side, Krissy ! "

-poof!-

Kris stood there for a few minutes before her face turned a bright purple. " F--K ! "

She walked up to where the tree was standing and squirted it with her SquirtBottle. The tree growled and attacked.

O.O " SH-T ! I better get a pokeball ! "

**POKEBAAAAAAAAAAALL !**

-ding...ding-ding ding-ding...DING !-

_**" CONGRATULATIONS ! KRIS CAUGHT A SUDOWOODO ! "**_ a voice shouted in thin air.

Kris sweatdropped. " State the obvious, why don't you ? Well...it's a tree...but it's a girl...so...I'll name it Misty. _YAH FOR GIRLS ! "_

Bob and Steve groaned. Kris shrugged. " Eh. No offense, guys, but you two were fluke pokemon. That means you were given to me for either no reason, or your previous trainer had mental problems. "

* * *

(Burnt Tower)

Burnt Tower.

One giant dump in Ecruteak City that had something to do with keeping the legendary gerbils of Johto in check. Not repaired since 1995 when Engrish Man burnt it down, it had been condemned fourteen times now.

Needless to say, Kris was unimpressed.

" I can't believe Morty wasn't in his gym ! " she muttered angrily. " I swear, these gym leaders are getting overpaid for their crappy work ! "

As she stomped inside the tower and looked around, she spotted two men. One of them was Morty in surfing apparel, and the other one wore a fruity cape, just like Superman.

Kris sweatdropped. " Yeah...that cape is _soooo_ 1979. "

The caped guy waved at her. " Hi ! I'm Eusine ! "

" Urine ? "

_**" NO !**_ Eusine ! I'm on the tail of the gerbil called Suicune ! Have you ever seen her ? "

T.T " Yes...in my banged-up version of the Pokedex ! "

" So...who are you ? Gold ? "

_" KRIS ! "_

Eusine nodded. " Nice to meet you, Kris ! But I can't talk to you right now. I've been searching for five years in this tower and still haven't been able to find Suicune ! It totally sucks. "

" Dude...major O.C.D. "

She walked away ignoring Eusine's flashy poses with his fruity cape and found none other than Silver spacing out in the middle of the bottom floor. Kris grinned. _" Heeeey,_ it's Spinach ! "

Silver scowled. " It's Silver. And it's you. I came here to bag myself a legendary today, and after I heard this forty minute lecture from the Cape Guy, I find out that it's one giant hoax ! I came all the way here for nothing ! I could've played on the Nintendo 64 at the Pokemon Center today, but _nooooo._ No flippin' way. "

Kris huffed. " Hey, don't give me your gotdamn problems, 'cause I don't want to hear it ! "

_**" NEEEEEE ! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT ! LET'S BATTLE ! "**_

-.- " Let's not. "

In a flash Kris pulled Silver's bunny-based undies over his head to make a full-blown wedgie. He squealed and cried for a few minutes before recomposing himself. " This is why I hate girls ! They're all bitches and they smell so perfumy ! "

" I hate perfume. "

" Whatev. You wouldn't have been able to catch a legendary pokemon, anyway ! **_YOU'RE A NOOB ! _**"

**" SHUT THE HELL UUUUUUUU ! "**

The floor crashed below Kris's legs and she fell into a hole leading to the tower's lowest level. Silver tutted. " What the hell are you doing, falling into a hole like that ?! "

He shrugged and flipped his hair as he spoke in a louder and very sarcastic voice. " You must be a genius, falling into a hole like that ! In fact, you must be the biggest genius I know ! "

_THROWS SHOE UP AT SILVER !_

_**" SHUT THE F--K UP, SKITTLES ! "**_ Kris roared.

_**" THAT'S SILVER ! GET THE DAMN NAME RIGHT ! "**_

A muffled voice was heard as Kris shouted a few swear words up the hole. " I don't want to , you stupid idiot ! " she snapped. " I'm trapped in a flippin' hole, and every day I travel with noobs ! You can shove your name up your _ass _! "

Silver sniffled as he wiped a couple of tears from his face. " You don't have to be so mean, you know. I'm only trying to be emo. "

T.T " Just go, Silver. Go. "

_" FINE, I WILL ! "_

-poof!-

As Silver left Kris rolled her eyes and explored the tower. In front of her were...

" Crap. The legendary gerbils, " Kris said breathlessly.

All three gerbils looked at Kris for a long while. Raikou fled into the west direction, Entei in the east.

Finally, Suicune stared at Kris very hard before nodding once and doing the nonstupid way by using the ladder of the tower. The girl sweatdropped. " I have bad feelings crawling all over my veins. "

_SHOVEL !_

Eusine crawled out of a hole and gazed at Kris with very bulgy eyes. " Hi ! Was that Suicune ?! " he inquired.

Kris nodded. " Yeah... "

_**" OMG ! I LOVE SUICUNE ! "**_

T.T " Yeah, I think you already told me that. "

Eusine tore his jacket to reveal a t-shirt with Suicune on it. Kris's jaw dropped. O.o " How much weed have you been _smoking_ ? " she asked.

The caped guy shrugged. " I dunno. Anyway, I'm so devoted to Suicune that I even broke up with my girlfriend seven years ago ! "

_PUNCH !_

A frizzy red haired woman scowled as Eusine fell to the floor. " I broke up with you, and _YOU SUCK ! "_ she screeched.

Kris gasped. " It's Shelly, from Team Aqua in Hoenn ! "

Shelly stared at Kris. " Oh. Hi. "

" You're my idol ! I get all of my torturing ideas from you ! "

The red-head blushed. " Thanks, I guess. Anyway, I have to watch The Omen with Harlan-kun. Bye, Christopher. "

" It's Kris. "

" Whatever. "

Shelly spaced out for a few minutes before snapping her fingers. " Oh, yeah. I forgot to do this ! "

" What's that ? " Kris asked.

**THROWS EUSINE INTO BRICK WALL !**

(Eusine) X.O " Ow. "

" Okeeey, I gotta go poofie now ! " Shelly cried.

-poof!-

The two stood in silence before Eusine cleared his throat. " Hey, do you wanna see my Eusine tattoo ? "

" No-ho-ho-ho, Creepo. "

-poof-

* * *

(Surfin' Morty)

Kris stepped inside the gym and groaned. As usual, there was the annoying nooby Advice Guy. He waved. " Yah ! Teh trainers 'ere 'ave secret moteeeves. "

T.T " Man, do not speak in ghetto. It's discriminating and annoying. "

" Whatev. Anyway, if you beat them, they might give you some secrets of Ecruteak. "

" Like why do they smell like dead Rattata carcass ? "

" Eh. Maybe. "

" Yeah... "

Kris took five steps forward before she was shoved back. " What the hell ? "

The Advice Guy blushed. " Sorry. Forgot to tell you. Morty has these invisible walls to screw people's minds up with. "

-.- " Well, right now he's on my revenge list. "

* * *

(After Battle...)

_**" AWWWWWWW ! YOU KILLED MY GHOSTIES ! "**_ Morty hissed.

" Eh. I got my FogBadge. Not my problem. "

" Hmph. Well...wanna surf sometime. "

" Nope. "

" Come on ! I don't have many friends ! Why do you think I hang out with Eusine ?! "

O.o " No... "

-poof!-

End


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9 : Sick Sheep, Good Rod, and Surfing

_Six-thirty in the morning on a Wednesday day before school. Wow. -sob- I'm so dedicated..._

* * *

Kris groaned as she read the sign that was posted on the front door of Olivine Gym. The letters of _C-L-O-S-E-D_ seemed to mock her as she kicked the door with angry emotions. " Gotdamn it, I've been training for three and a half months, and so far nothing's gone flippin' right for me ! " she exclaimed as she landed another kick at the door.

" Hey, do you have to curse out everything ?! Damn, you're probably giving that door a major headache right now ! "

Kris let out a bigger groan as Silver came out of the gym, looking P.O.'d. He flipped his red hair around. " You again. There's no need to panic. "

" Uh, why should I panic ? " Kris inquired. " You're a noob. "

_" I AM NOT A NOOB ! "_ Silver snapped.

" Whatev. "

" Besides, I don't deal with bitchy whi- "

**PUNCH !**

_" YEAH, DEAL WITH_ THIS,_ NOOB ! "_

Silver's cheeks flared. " Fine, whatever. I don't care. Anyway, speaking of whimps, the city's gym leader isn't here. "

" Nawwww, she froze herself and is in the basement. "

" ...She's supposedly taking care of a sick pokemon at the lighthouse. Hmph ! Oh, boo-hoo ! A pokemon's sick ! Whatever should it do ? Die, that's what. It fulfilled its destiny, so if I were his trainer, I'd shoot it. "

Kris rolled her eyes. " You'd probably crap your pants before shooting it. "

V.V " That may be true, but that's besides the point. "

" So, the point is that you're a noob. "

_**" GOTDAMN IT, THAT IS NOT THE POINT ! "**_

" An emo wannabe ? "

-sob- " You can really hurt a person's feelings. You should be Goth. "

" Goths suck. "

_(DISCLAIMER : The author has nothing against Goths...)_

Silver sweatdropped. " You know what ? Just...just go train in the lighthouse or something like that. I don't want to have to deal with this kind of bullsh-t today. It's Tuesday. "

" Whatever...noob. "

T.T " I hate you. "

* * *

When Kris entered the lighthouse, she wasn't that surprised that it was filled with homeless bums, evil lawyers, and sailors who enjoyed all aspects of yaoi. Having been to the Sprout Tower, Radio Tower, Burnt Tower, and knowing Eusine, this eleven-year old had no high expectations for the buildings of Johto.

What did surprise her though was that Amphy, who was the sick Ampharos, was reading a very sick and very yaoi magazine of Entertainment.

Kris's jaw dropped. " What the f--k is wrong with that sheep ?! " she demanded.

Jasmine looked up and started to blushy wildly. " O-oh-...- I'm sorry. Amphy's gay. "

" Okay...so...can you go back to the gym ? "

" No, I cannot. "

" Why the hell not ?! "

" I can't go back to the gym because Amphy has an S.T.D. and he needs to get a potion to cure him, but the pharmicist operates in Cianwood City. "

" But that's like...an island ! "

" I know, and I have no pokemon that can surf. "

" Neither do I. "

" Well, go ahead and catch one ! "

Kris glared at the shy trainer. " What makes you think I'm gonna run your little errand for you ?! Why can't_ you_ do it ?! "

Jasmine's shade of red turned deeper. " I-I-I- won't battle you if you don't do this for me. "

" F--k. "

* * *

(Good Rod)

Kris scowled. " Damn it, Bob, do you see what I mean by having to do all of this bullsh-t for other people, when Gold passed through scot-free ?! "

Bob nodded and licked a hood. Steve squealed sadly, and Misty slowly nodded. Kris took out a fishing rod from her backpack. It was only two years old, but already it looked pretty worn out and stringy.

The girl swore for a few minutes before sighing. " This sucks. "

She casted her fishing rod out into the ocean. No bite.

She casted her fishing rod again. Nothing.

She casted her fishing rod another time. Still nothing.

" Damn bastards seem to not want expired cream cheese and broccoli. Such ungrateful pokemon, " Kris muttered angrily.

She casted her fishing rod a fourth time. Nothing...nothing...

Oh, look ! A bite !

Kris gasped. " Wow, some stupid water pokemon actually took the disgusting bait. Way to go ! "

A puny Krabby washed up on the shore along with the string of the Good Rod. Kris facefaulted. " Oh, well. I guess this will have to do. "

**GREAT BALL !**

-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-di-

_**DING !**_

_**" CONGRATULATIONS ! KRIS CAUGHT A KRABBY ! "**_ that loud annoying voice from nowhere once again screamed in thin air.

Kris just stared at the pokeball and shook her head. " You seem kind of stubborn like that hairspray-obsessed woman in the anime, so I'll name you Jessie. "

Bob grinned. " Chi-chika ! "

_**" NO, YOU TWO CANNOT GET HIGH BY YOURSELVES ! IT'S ILLEGAL ! "**_

" Chiiiii. "

Kris moaned. " Gotdamn it, Bob, I wish you and every other annoying male in this region would just disappear and live in the Orange Islands. This is a load of bull you're giving me with your attitude, and it needs to stop, or I will have to let Gold date me and let him throw you into the river ! "

Bob sweatdropped and quickly went into his pokeball. Kris grinned and turned to Steve and Misty. " That's how you reinforce your rules. Remember that. "

" Isn't that a totalitarian policy, though ? "

Kris turned around to see Gold, sneering as he flicked his goggles off of his face. The blue-green haired girl yelled out another string of obscenities as she punched Gold once again. _**" DAMN IT, KEEP YOUR FLIPPIN' MOUTH SHUT ! "**_ Kris hissed.

Gold tutted. " My, my, my. How very sad. So...where are you going ? "

" Cianwood City. "

" Why ? "

T.T " The gym leader of this crappy city threatened me. "

The boy fell to the ground and started to laugh loudly. _**" HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA ! THAT IS A SUCH A PRICELESS CAMERA MOMENT ! MWAHAHAHAHAHAH- "**_

**SHOE'D !**

_**" SHUT THE HELL UP ! "**_

Gold shrugged. " You can't even take a joke, Kris. You're such a spaz. "

" And _you're_ such a dumb-ass. "

" Ah. Touche. Anyway, I gotta go. I'm gonna try and score some lay-dees ! "

-poof!-

Kris's cheeks flared angrily. " That boy is_ sooooo_ retarded ! " she screamed. " Gotdamn son of a bitch motherfu- "

* * *

(Surfing)

Bump.

Bump-bump.

Bump.

Bump.

**BUMP-BUMP-BUMP-BUMP-BUMP !**

Kris threw up in the water as Jessie bumped into several rocks in the ocean.

It had been a miracle that the eighty pound moody girl could get on top of the thirty pound Krabby without crushing it, but somehow that was possible.

The sea was...boring. Very dull. Only things that were in the water were mutated Tentacool, swimming trainers, and a couple of ten dozen Magikarp. Kris sighed as another few bumps were made. " Wow. This sucks. This must be why fishermen drink on the job. Nobody wants to do it. "

A few minutes later, Kris looked at a sign sticking out on the ground and grinned. _**" YES ! CIANWOOD CITY ! "**_

As she made her way to the sign and finally called back Jessie, she spotted something. Something blue, pretty, and deadly if she wanted to be.

Kris groaned. " Oh, gotdamn it. It's the...water gerbil. "

Suicune looked up with her purple eyes at Kris and disappeared in a flash. Kris sweatdropped. " Just my luck. Maybe I'll get killed when the next storm comes. "

_" HEY ! THAT WAS SUICUNE ! "_

Kris turned around, paled, and moaned as she spotted someone wearing a cape. A fruity cape.

" Son of a bitch. Anybody but him. _**NOOOOOOOOOO ! "**_

End (with cliffy ! ;D)

* * *

_And we end with this. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA !_


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10 : Stupid Cape Guy, The Medicine Guy, and Tubby

_It's been a looong time since I updated. (Well, at least to me.) We have some humor in here. Yep...Enjoy ! :D_

* * *

(Last time on PKC Abridged...)

_" HEY ! THAT WAS SUICUNE ! "_

Kris turned around, paled, and moaned as she spotted someone wearing a cape. A fruity cape.

" Son of a bitch. Anybody but him. _NOOOOOOOOOO ! "_

* * *

(Stupid Cape Guy)

Eusine gawked at Kris for a few minutes before his shut his jaw closed. " Whaddya mean, anybody but me ? Aren't I cool ? "

-.- " No. You are a stupid cape guy. "

/.\ " Oh...well...was that Suicune ? "

" _...Duuuuuuur. "_

" Oh. I only caught a quick glimpse, and then as I was trying desperately to get away from the Tentacool-infested water, I thought I saw Suicune actually running on water. This proves it. Suicune is the creator of all pokemon. "

T.T " I'm guessing you haven't paid attention in history classes. _**ARCEUS IS THE CREATOR OF ALL POKEMON ! HO-OH CREATED SUICUNE ! AND NINTENDO CREATED US, R-TARD ! "**_

V.V " You're speaking mumbo-jumbo again, Gold. I don't get you. "

" ...It's Kris, dumb-ass. "

" Wow. Anyway, Suicune is the bestest pokemon ever. It races through towns and roads very quickly, just like a cheetah. It's wonderful, but the biggest question is this - how come you've seen Suicune up close only after two weeks, while I've been searching for it for seven years ? "

" Uh, maybe it's because you're a stalker ? "

" Probably. Anyway, I've decided this. If I battle you and I win, I might be able to win Suicune's respect and see her in her majestic glory ! "

" Probably not. "

" Huh ? "

Kris groaned. " Suicune isn't like that. She's not stupid like that hairy gerbil Entei is. She'd probably freeze you with ice beam, kick you in a dumpster, and go off to some kind of food festival or something like that. That's how most women are, but of course you wouldn't know that, because you're an idiot. "

" Really ? It doesn't make very much sense. "

-.- " Of course it doesn't. You're a guy. "

" Oh. Any other evidence ? "

" Yeah. This. "

The blue-green hair girl grabbed a bucket of honey from her backpack and dumped it onto Eusine's head. She grinned. " For once Mom's terrible cooking is useful in a situation. "

Eusine shuddered as he licked the sticky liquid. " A very, very amazing technique, Gold. "

DX _" I'M KRIS ! "_

" Whatever. Anyway, no wonder pokemon worship you ! "

" No...they...don't...you idiot. "

" Hmm. I will continue to search for Suicune. "

" Why ? "

" 'Cause the script pays me to do that...and I'm obsessed..."

O.o " Okay, then..."

" We will see each other again, and when we do, I will fight for Suicune's wonderful respect ! "

T.T " Whatever. "

" See ya ! "

-poof!-

Kris sweatdropped. " Damn, that has got to be one of the most annoying guys I know, besides Gold and Swifter. "

_**" SIIIIIIIIIIILVEEEEEEEEER ! IT'S SIIIIIIIIIILVEEEER ! "**_

The girl's sweatdrop grew bigger. " Strange. I thought I just heard Swifter's voice somewhere. Meh. Must be my imagination. "

As Kris walked to Cianwood City, Silver started to curse as he was dangling from a rope that Lugia was swinging around. " Damn you, Kris ! "

(Lugia) " Nuuuuuuuh ? "

(Silver) O.O " Don't do it..."

**" NUUUUUUUUUUUUH ! "**

The Lugia dropped the rope and Silver fell into the water. His cheeks flared. " Gotdamn overfed silver beast ! Damn it, I_ hate_ Nintendo ! "

* * *

(The Medicine Guy)

Kris stepped into the small mobile trailer where the pharmacist lived. It was very small and dilapidated. Light fixtures dangled loosely from the ceiling. Chinese cartons were thrown all over the uncarpeted floor. Piles of records by Pink Floyd and Led Zepplin were stacked into giant towers.

The girl sweatdropped. " How come every house that I visit is cruddy, crappy, and a dive ? " she muttered to herself. " Damn. "

She took a few steps into the kitchen. A man with large glasses was on top of a circular table, sleeping with a bottle of cough syrup clutched in his hands. Kris scratched her head out of frustration. " Oh, great, this has got to be the fourth time I stepped inside a man-made dump. I better wake him up, though, or Jasmine won't give me my badge and I'll be screwed at beating the Elite Four. "

Kris stepped up to the man and nudged him with her hand. " Yo, dude. I need help with a potion antidote for a gay evolved sheep thingie..."

No response. Kris grew an anger mark near her forehead. " Hell-ooo ? _Hell-ooooo ?! "_

Nothing.

_**" GOTDAMN IT, YOU FLIPPIN' HIPPIE, GET UP !**_ "

**BACKPACK'D !**

" Zur-zuh ? What the hell ?..."

The man woke up abruptly to see Kris hovering over him with furrowed eyebrows. He shuddered. " Damn, man, it's Frankenstein's bride, man. "

Kris's cheeks flared. " My name is Kris. I heard you're the town's pharmacist. "

" Yeah, but your pokemon appear to be fine and dandy. No medicine for you. "

" What the- I didn't even take my pokemon out of their pokeballs ! How the hell do you know that they're okay ?! "

" I have visions, man. Oh, and I read some of the script in the game. It's the _boss,_ man. "

_" Riiiiight. "_

" But I do have some cough medicine if you want to get high. "

" Uh, I'm eleven..."

" So ? Anybody can get stoned. It's legal. "

_" NO, IT'S NOT ! "_

" Well...whatever. What do you want with me, anyway ? Are you gonna narc on me 'cause I'm growing weed in my toilet ? "

o.o " You're growing _weed_ in your toilet ? "

" ...Never mind. "

Kris sweatdropped. " Do you know this girl named Jasmine ? She's this stupid gym leader, and she wants me to get some sort of antidote for this flippin' Ampharos. "

The pharmacist gasped. " Amphy ? He's sick ? "

V.V " I do believe I just said that. "

" Wow. I think I have something that can cure it. "

-Kris receives the SecretPotion !-

Kris stared at the bottle that was called SecretPotion by the unknown voice. The pharmacist grinned. " Whatever Amphy's got, this magic bottle will make sure he's healed. It's only for emergencies, though. Oh, and it will not cure violent diarrhea. "

" Any side effects ? "

" Well...he'll hallucinate pretty badly for a couple of days, but he won't mind. Trust me. "

T.T " Yeah...I'm going to go now. "

" Okay. Bye, Talking Butterfinger. "

O.O " Bye..."

* * *

(Tubby)

Sign : Cianwood City Pokemon

Gym Leader : Chuck

His Roaring Fists Do the Talking (and His Growling Stomach Does the Thinking)

Kris facefaulted. " Where the hell is that assistant guy ? "

The eleven-year old had stepped inside the gym with confusion, but that feeling quickly disappeared and was replaced with relief. " Finally, I get peace and quiet for once, " she muttered to herself.

She walked up to where the gym leader was sitting and sweatdropped. Chuck had a lot of muscle, a lot of baldness...

And was a fifty-five pounds overweight man that was eating a bag of...fried hot dogs ?

" Oh, my God, this guy looks like he's never touched a vegetable in his life ! " Kris exclaimed.

Chuck turned his head around to the trainer and dropped his bag. " D-_WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA !_ So, you've come this far to challenge me, eh ? "

T.T " No, it's because of a stupid evolved sheep thing. "

" Oh. Well, I'n tough ! My pokemon will crush stones, shatter bones, and throw out outdated telephones ! Watch this ! "

The obese man turned to a boulder. " Do you see this boulder ? **I WILL CRUSH IT ! URGGGH ! OOOOAAAARGHHH ! "**

(...silence...)

And then the boulder fell on Chuck's feet.

_**" OOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW ! GOTDAMN SON OF A BITCH ! THAT HURT ! "**_

Kris rolled her eyes. " What a loser. You seriously need to try a salad sometime. "

/.\ " So...you're not scared ? "

" No. "

" Well, my pokemon are tough, and I am tough too ! "

" Your toughness has absolutely nothing to do with your pokemon. "

" What ?! You're kiddin'. "

" Dude, I am not kidding. "

" It's so true ! "

" No...it's not. "

" Fine ! Let's battle, then ! "

" Okay, Pudgy. "

Chuck : Let's gooooo, Primeape !  
(Primeape pops out)  
Kris : Come on, Jessie !

(Jessie pops out.)

Chuck : Uh, what was that attack with the chopping ?  
Kris : _**USE SURF !**_  
Jessie : Kooky-kooky !  
(Jessie uses surf ; TOTAL K.O)  
Chuck : Shit. That is _sooo _not fair. Okay, let's go...Poliwrath !

(Poliwrath pops out.)

Kris : Cool. I've always wanted a Poliwrath.  
Jessie : /.\ Kooky.  
Kris : T.T Don't get so offended. Anyway, use Vicegrip !  
Chuck : Uhhhhh...Dynamic Punch !  
(Jessie uses Vicegrip ; Poliwrath loses 1/4 HP)  
(Poliwrath uses Dynamic Punch; Jessie loses 2/4 HP and is now confused )  
Kris : Gotdamn it...Jessie, return !  
(Jessie pops in.)

Kris : Let's go, Bob !  
(Bob pops out)  
Bob : Chiiiiiika-chi. Kris : Gotdamn it, you're so selfish. You can't be in any battle, you know.  
Bob : Chi. (Meh)  
Kris : -.- Use Vine Whip !  
(Bob uses Vine Whip. It's super-effective ! TOTAL K.OOOOOO.D )  
Chuck : _**SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT !

* * *

**__****_

(Ten minutes later...)

Chuck groaned. " Here's your badge. "

(Kris receives StormBadge !)

" Now...get out...I'm gonna splurge on McDonalds. "

Kris shrugged. " Sure thing, Tubby. "

As Kris stepped out of the gym, she sighed. " Best...gym battle...ever. "

She picked up a thing that looked like a C.D. " Oh, and look. His wife dropped the Fly HM. Must be my lucky day. "

A few seconds passed before Kris sighed. " Well, I better get back to Olivine. Come on, Jessie. "

" Kooky ! "

And so Kris was on her path back to Olivine City.

End


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11 : Surfing, Amphy, Jasmine, and Silver

_Finally updated. :D Hehehe...anyway...I made references to Vampire Knight, Digimon, Captain Planet (which is not anime, but a 1990s show), Avenge Sevenfold (music band), Chaotic, Bakugan, One Piece, and Star Wars. Just a note - I OWN NOTHING BUT THIS FANFIC ! _

_So...enjoy, and laugh. LAUGH ! XD_

* * *

" Man, this is s_ooo_ boring. "

Kris sighed and stood like a stone as Jessie was swimming back to Olivine City. It had been a grueling couple of hours, the current was rough, and Kris had enough evidence to prove that she was now lost in the middle of nowhere.

" This sucks, " the girl muttered to herself. " I wonder how many days does it take for a person to become unlost. Hmm. I think this is what Christopher Columbus felt when he and his crew was lost, and everyone was super-pissed off at him. "

Bump.

" I'm in the middle of nowhere, going to face death, and I haven't even told stupid Gold that he still owes me flippin' money ! Ohhh, thank you, Nintendo ! You've made me the **HAPPIEST GIRL IN THE WORLD ! "**

Bump-bump.

" Sometimes I hate my life. It's controlled by a f--king script, and most of the guys in Johto are either sexist or retarded. My mom's a ditzy alcoholic. Hell, I don't even know what happened to my dad. I think Nintendo just shot him or something. And...everyone I know is stupid and not up-to-date with technology. "

She sighed. " I really need to move to Sinnoh..."

_**" UUUUUUSE THE FOOOOORCE, KRIIIIIIS ! "**_

Bump-bump-bump.

Kris sweatdropped. " Where the hell did that voice come from ? It's not that usual voice that I hear whenever I do something. Ooh, maybe it's Tajiri. I have a bone to pick with him for allowing such noobiness. "

_**" UUUUUUUUSEEEE THE FOOOOOOOOORCEEEEE ! "**_

Bump-bump. Bump-bump.

" Yeah, I don't know what the force is, and I don't know who you are ! " Kris shouted. " So...could you at least tell me who the hell are you ?! "

The voice laughed.

Bump-bump.

_" I AM...DARTH VADAR ! "_

(...silence...)

T.T " Great. I'm screwed. "

An image of Darth Vadar appeared up into the sky and sweatdropped at Kris. " I'm just trying to help you ! " he whined. " Gawd. You hurted my feelings by saying that ! "

" Well, I'm going to if you use the word 'hurted'. Still...do you know how to get back to Olivine City ? I don't want to drown out here. "

" No, I do not. "

Kris sighed angrily. " Well, thanks a lot for your help, " she said sarcastically. " You've really been a lifesaver. "

" Yeah_. NOW UUUUSE THE FOOOORCE ! "_

" I think not. "

/.\ " Awwwww, damn it. "

-poof!-

Kris rolled her eyes before spotting a couple of dilapidated buildings. " Oh, my gosh ! Land ! _Laaaaaand !_ I finally found Olivine again ! "

She and Jessie just sat in the water for a few seconds before Kris sighed. " Maybe I should've just let myself drown in the water, huh ? "

" Kooky-kook. (Yes, you should've.) "

* * *

(Amphy)

After walking several floors forward to the lighthouse, Kris was finally at the top floor, exhausted and furious.

" I swear, Akatsuki Kain has got to be the most annoying character in the history of anime. He doesn't even do anything ! " Kris muttered angrily.

She around the room. Jasmine was sitting on a velvet chair, listening to Avenged Sevenfold while she painted her nails a shiny-looking bronze. She was also singing, but the power of music was definitely not one of the gym leader's talents.

Next to her was the yaoi Ampharos. Looking slightly loaded and depressed, the evolved sheep was braiding Jasmine's hair while trying to cut his wrists at the same time. (And no, he was not emo - just suicidal. )

Kris just gawked at the trainer and her pokemon. " I waste three days on a trip to a stoned pharmacist, just to come back to see that you've been a lazy-ass seventeen year old that's been doing nothing but lay around ?! Got_damn_ it ! "

Jasmine just shrugged, not seeming to care about Kris's dangerous temper. " Sorry. There was an anime marathon on, and I couldn't bear to miss it. You know that anime is rare in these parts of Johto. "

" That depends. What anime were you watching ? "

" Uhhhh, let's see...Bakugan. Chaotic. The 4 Kids dub of One Piece. "

o.o " Chaotic's not even anime ! It's Danish ! Bakugan's a total ripoff of Yu-Gi-Oh, and One Piece dubbed by 4 Kids TV has got to be the worst piece of Japanese culture that exists ! "

-sob- " I know. I thought it would be cool to watch the marathon, but after a couple of hours I wanted to kill myself ! "

Kris tutted. " Those stupid idiots that work the television. Another life is ruined thanks to their incompetence. And why the hell are they even showing English shows when this is Japan ? "

" I don't know. Are we even in Japan, or are we in another universe ? "

(...silence...)

" This fanfic and this game make no f--king sense, " Kris muttered. " F--king Nintendo. "

" Yeah...they suck. "

The two girls stood in silence for a few more moments before Jasmine sighed. " Well, I think it's time that we start the stupid script, before we end up burning it. "

O.O " Weren't you supposed to be the shy one out of the gym leaders ? "

" No way. "

" ...Good for you. "

Jasmine nodded, pulling out a giant book and flipped it to a certain page. " Lessee...where are my flippin' lines ?..."

(-flip-flip-flip-)

" Ah ! There's the page, the little bastard. Uh...will that medicine cure Amphy ? "

Kris shrugged. " That pharmacist said yeah, but he said that it would cause hallucinations. "

" Eh. Anyway...please don't be pissed off at me...Amphy won't take anything from anyone except me. He got abused by a giant taco and has been untrustworthy ever since. "

" I _reeeeally_ don't care. "

Jasmine nodded, grabbed Amphy, and shoved the medicine down his throat. The Ampharos went into convulsions before a few seconds before standing upright, looking even more stoned. " Uh...Amphy, how are you feeling ? " the gym leader asked.

Amphy looked at Jasmine and Kris wide-eyed. " Palu. Palulu. Paluuuuu-_**I'M FEELING GREAAAAAAT ! "**_

(Kris) o.o " What the f--k ?! "

(Jasmine) " Thank Arceus. This is good to know that Amphy won't need my company anymore. Thanks, Kris. I'm really thankful. He was starting to get me p.o.'d. "

" Ho-how ca-can h-h-he ta-ta-ta-ta- "

" Aaaaanyway, I better return to the Gym, or those assholes in Kanto will shut it down. "

-poof!-

Kris just stared at Amphy, wide-eyed. The Ampharos chuckled. " Hey, do you wanna play Halloween ? You could be Michael Myers, since you're so fugly. "

**PUNCH !**

-.- " That's it. I'm getting outta this dive. "

* * *

(Jasmine)

As Kris walked into the gym, the nooby advice-giver stopped her. She groaned. " Ohhh, I thought you got killed off ! Just my luck ! " she grumbled.

The assistant grinned. " Yep ! It's your lucky day, homie ! "

_MALLET !_

_**" WHAT THE F--K DID I SAY ABOUT USING GHETTO SLANG ?! IT'S NOT F--KING COOL ! "**_ Kris screeched.

" Meh. Anyway, Jasmine uses the newly discovered steel-type. "

T.T " The steel-type was discovered ten freakin' years ago. Damn, get your history facts straight. "

" Well, I don't know much about them. "

Kris rolled her eyes. " That's because you're an idiot. "

" Eh, probably. Ya know, I never went to college. "

" Heh. Gold owes me ten bucks, then. "

Kris shoved the advice man out of her way and walked up to where Jasmine was sitting. The gym leader grinned. " Hey, Kris. Thanks again for the Lighthouse situation. But this is different. You already know I'm Jasmine, and I'm a gym leader. "

" Dur. "

" I use the steel-type. It was recently discovered. So...intros aside, could I begin ? "

" Sure. "

" Okay, then. "

Jasmine : Uh, let's go, Magne-...you know what ? F--k it.

Kris : Huh ?

(-Jasmine forfeits out of sheer laziness ! ;D)

Kris sweatdropped. " Jasmine...I respect your ways..."

" Uh, thanks. "

(...silence...)

" So...you're a better trainer than me, blah, blah, blah. To make sure I follow the League rules, I will give you this badge. "

**(" KRIS RECEIVED MINERAL BADGE ! ")**

Jasmine sweatdropped at the mysterious voice before continuing. " Anyway, this badge raises your pokemon's defense. Oh...take this TM, too. "

**(" KRIS RECEIVED TM23 ! ")**

" Uh...that's Iron Tail, " Jasmine continued, looking around her gym. " It does stuff. "

Kris nodded. " That voice is annoying, huh ? "

" Yeah. Hey, you want to watch Digimon before you go ? "

" Eh, what the hell ? "

Jasmine nodded. " Okay. _**DUDE ! "**_

The advice guy looked up, surprised. " Yeah, Jasmine ? "

_**" GET THE F--K OUTTA MY GYM ! "**_

(Kris) " o.o "

(Advice Guy) /.\ " Yes, Jasmine. "

-poof!-

Jasmine turned back to Kris and grinned. " Okay, then. Let's watch some good anime. "

* * *

(An hour later...)

Kris snorted and took a sip at her Coca-Cola. " I swear, Myotismon is f--king Captain Planet ! "

Jasmine giggled so hard she fell to the floor. " I know ! He has a double life ! Hehehehe. "

" Well...I better go. "

" Yeah...Mahogany Town's the next town. Be careful, though - there's angry people that live in the caves. A lot of angry people. "

Kris nodded. " Thanks. "

" Add me to your weirdo phone ? "

" Sure. "

**(" JASMINE WAS ADDED TO KRIS'S POKEGEAR !")**

Kris sweatdropped. " Okay...bye ! "

" Bye-bye ! "

* * *

(Silver)

It had been two hours, but Kris had finally made it back to Ecruteak City. She was about to head off to Mt. Mortar, when a certain someone stopped her.

_**" HEY ! ANGRY LADY ! "**_

Kris turned around to see Silver flailing his arms up and down like a wild Fearow. She rolled her eyes. " What the hell do you want now, Scratcher ? "

Silver huffed. " It's Silver, and are you actually going to go through Mt. Mortar by yourself ?! "

" Uh, yeah. "

" Could I go with you ? "

" Why ?! " Kris demanded.

" Well..._**I DON'T WANNA GO IN A CAVE BY MYSELF ! I DON'T LIKE PITCH-BLACK CAVES ! "**_

Kris just stared at Silver for a few seconds before groaning out of frustration. " Fine, then. But if you trip, or fall, or piss in your pants, I'm not stopping. "

" Uh...thanks. "

And so Silver followed Kris like a confused Psyduck into the murky and dark place called Mt. Mortar.

End


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12 : Inside Mt. Mortar

DISCLAIMER : _I own nothing but this fanfic. No suing...or bread. ;D_

_This chapter was not based on the script. My idea. So...you don't have to read this chapter if you don't wanna. I'm not gettin' paid, so...._

_T.T (Meh.)_

_Btw, the song that Silver attempts to sing is "Sometimes" by Britney Spears..._

* * *

_" Sometimes I ruuuuun _

_Sometimes I hiiiiiiiideee _

_Sometimes I'm scaaared of yooouu_

_ But all I really want is to hoooold you tiiiiigh- "_

**CROWBAR'D IN 1999 STYYYYLEEEEE !**

Silver fell to the ground and glared at Kris. " What the hell was _that_ for ?! "

Kris closed her eyes and made a fist in the air. " When I started my unwilling journey, I vowed that I would not listen to music from the 1990's, especially from people who try to sing the songs and suck at it, and especially not Britney. " She turned and looked at Silver for a few seconds before frowning. " And that is one vow that I want to keep, damn it ! " she snapped.

" But I sing good ! "

_**" I SAID NO F--KING BRITNEY ! "**_

" ...What do you have against Britney ?! "

" Nothing. "

" Nothing ? "

" Yeah, nothing. "

" Then why don't you want to listen to your songs ?! You don't make any sense ! "

Kris sighed and closed her eyes again. " It's too soon. "

" Whaddya mean it's too soo- "

" It's too soon, Silver. Now drop the damn subject before I hurt you. "

Silver nodded. " Okay. Could I sing to something else ? "

" As long as it's in this decade. "

" Okay. "

* * *

(Ten minutes later....)

**CROWBAR'D 2008 !**

Silver fell to the ground again and rubbed his nose. " Ow. Now what was_ that_ for ?! "

Kris rubbed her face out of frustration. " Just...stop singing. "

" Why ? "

" I thought I told you that I didn't want to hear Britney. "

" You said in the 1990's, though. "

" The Britney rule stays in effect for all of her music. "

Silver scratched his head. " I don't understand. If you have nothing against her, then why don't you want to listen to he- "

_**PUNCH ! KICK ! BAT !**_

Kris hugged her jacket closer to her. " I told you to drop the subject ten minutes ago. Now, unless you want to get thrown in the water, I suggest to shut your flippin' piehole. "

" But Kris ! I had a bad past ! I'm sure you can share anything with me ! I'm emo - I keep all secrets to myself. "

There was a few seconds of silence before Kris wiped her eye with her jacket. With watery eyes, she looked at Silver and shook her head. " It's too damn soon. Now shut up. "

-sigh- " Fine. "

The two preteens continued their path in the cave known as Mt. Mortar. It was pitch-black, Zubat were in swarms everywhere, and Kris and Silver were about ten feet away from a raging waterfall, but of course that didn't scare them at all.

They stood in silence while they hiked, Kris because she was in a bad mood, and Silver because he didn't want to get mildly injured by Kris. Their pokemon were in the pokeballs, and for once Nintendo had no say in the script.

After a while, Kris checked her PokeGear and saw that it was nighttime. She sighed and stopped near a rock. Silver sweatdropped. " Are we stopping ? " he inquired. " _Why_ are we stopping ? "

Kris rubbed her temples. " It's nearing bedtime. If we continue our way through this dank cave and step into Mahogany Town, we run the chance of being mobbed by guns and stupid retards who waste their life trying to bag a vampire. So, it's best for us to stop our hiking journey until after we get some sleep. "

" But the wild pokemon might attack us while we're sleeping, and then we won't be able to defend ourselves ! Our pokemon don't have lightning speed, either ! "

" Your point is ? "

" We may_ die_ in this cave ! "

" So ? You knew what risks you took on when you entered this cave, Studmaker. Most of the pokemon in here won't even bug you, and you knew that there was a slight chance that you would get mauled in this cave-mountain thing, so I _don't_ want to hear any complaints from you ! "

" What about food, though ? "

T.T " We have food. "

" Beef jerky and tuna sandwiches don't count as foo- "

**SHOE'D !**

_**" SHUT THE F--K UP ! "**_

Silver plopped down on the ground and rolled out his sleeping bag, Kris following suit. As the girl undid her hair and took off her headband, the red-haired boy tried to make a conversation. " So.....how has the journey with the badges been going ? "

Kris scowled. " Overall, it's been miserable so far. I've dealt with six incompetent gym leaders, a Suicune-obsessed cape guy, the weirdo nooby gym assistant advice guy, an Engrish guy, and Gold. How's your 'emo' life going for you ? "

" It's meh. Lance isn't too happy at me because I keep f--king up missions that he gives me, but I try to wear dark clothing, anyway, so that balances my life. You've actually met up with Gold, though ? "

" Yeah. He's the same annoying bastard that somehow both of us know since...kindergarten for me. "

" Yeah....I have a bone to pick with him. He still owes me twenty dollars. "

(....silence....)

" Silver, did you just say dollars ? "

" Yah. "

(....more silence....)

-.- " Fanfiction sucks. "

" Finally, Staller tells a truth ! "

**PUNCH !**

" ....Ow. "

Kris rolled her eyes. " Whatever. Let's get a fire started and eat our food, unless you're going to bitch about that, too. "

" No, I'm good. "

The two started to eat in silence. Silver picked at the tiny pieces of tuna that were sticking out from his sandwich. He winced. " Do you have mayonaise ? "

_**" DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE MAYONAISE ?! "**_

" Uh, actually, yes...."

**PUNCH !**

_**" STUPID EMO WANNABE ! JUST SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND EAT YOUR DAMN TUNA ! "**_

Silver huffed and crossed his arms. " Fine, then ! If you don't have mayonaise to go with this horribly dry sandwich, then I might as well dig up my own grave and lay in it for the next forty flippin' years ! "

V.V " You should know by now that I really don't give a damn what you do. Heck, you could be a dancin' superhero in a Batman costume that throws golf balls at people, and I_ still_ wouldn't care ! "

" Well,_ that's _not very nice. "

" Hehehe...funniest thing I've heard all day. You're not supposed to be treated nice. "

" Why not ? "

_**" 'CAUSE YOU'RE FLIPPIN' EMO ! "**_

" Ahhhh, damn it ! "

" Hehehe..._stuuupid_ Snorkel. "

T.T " Silver. "

XD " I know. "

A few seconds passed before Silver attempted a smile. " So...when we get out of this hellhole, will we be friends ? "

Another few seconds. Kris stared at Silver with slitted eyes and furrowed eyebrows before giving him an unfriendly punch in the arm. She gave a grin that had no happiness in it. " My, you really should do stand-up. That's absolutely one of the stupidest questions that I've heard. You've called me a bitch numerous times, said that I sucked at training, and sexually harassed me in the first chapter, " she coolly replied. " A cave filled with annoying Zubat and roaring waterfalls change nothing. I'm still a bitch that gets pissed off very easily, and you're an emo wannabe spazbag with no friends and long red hippie hair. So..._NO_ ! "

" Oh...well...._YOU'RE A BITCH ! "_

" And you're an emo spaz, just like Kiryu. "

_**" QUIT TALKING ABOUT VAMPIRE KNIGHT ! "**_

" Hehehehe....no. "

Silver huffed. " I'm glad we're getting out of this cave tomorrow, or I think I would shoot myself. "

V.V " I have a knife if you want to kill yourself faster...."

_" SHUT UP, KRIS ! "_

**PUNCH ! STAAAAAB !**

" Ow. You hurted my arm. "

_**SLAP ! PUNCH**_ !

o.o " Fine, then, damn it ! I'll shut up ! "

" Good boy. "

* * *

The next day Kris woke up and yawned loudly. She found Silver clutching a pink bunny to his chest and tried with all her strength not to crack up at the boy. Those attempts not to laugh were in vain, though, as she giggled uncontrollably when the red-haired boy groggily woke up and asked for " a strong cup o' Joe " . When that happened, of course, Silver's cheeks flared a bright crimson.

" What the f--k is _wrong_ with you ?! " he demanded. " Do you like picking on miserable people or something ?! "

Kris rolled her eyes. " Of _course_ not. "

" Well, that's goo- "

" Just you and every other guy that I know. "

"....T.T F--k. "

Kris grinned. " Well, the exit's ten feet away from here. I'm going to get going inside Mahogany. Have fun with your plushie, Skydiveeeer ! "

As she left out of the cave, Silver blinked for a few seconds before pounding his fists against the cave. _**" SILVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER ! "**_

End


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13 : Lake of Rage and Lance

_Not my best chapter (in my opinion). However, it has Lance in it....;)_

* * *

(Sign : Mahogany Town - Filled with ninjas and old people ! )

Kris rolled her eyes at the sign as she made her first steps into Mahogany Town. " They're right about the old people, " she muttered. " There's prune stores _everywhere_. "

She released Misty from the pokeball and sighed. " All right, Misty. This is going to be your gym battle, because Bob is weak to ice-types, and you're the only pokemon I have that can kick the gym leader's pokemon's asses because you have double kick, which is super-effective to ice-types. "

The Sudowoodo nodded. Kris cracked her knuckles slightly and grinned. " All right, then. Let's kick some ass ! "

* * *

(Fifteen minutes later....)

Kris angrily looked at the chubby man that blocked the Mahogany Gym with a balled-up fist. " What....the_ hell_ ?! "

The chubby man let out a high-pitched chuckle. " Heyyy, since you came here this far, go see the Lake of Rage ! It's pretty awesome right now ! "

-.- " What the _hell_ makes you think I came here to see a bunch of fish ?! And where's the old man at ?! "

The man sweatdropped. " Uh...he's not being evil, if you're asking about that. "

Kris sighed and smacked her forehead. " Look, I don't _care_ if he's the Mask of Ice. I came here for a battle, damn it ! "

" Well....SOL. "

**SMACK !**

" Son of a_ bitch_ ! "

* * *

(Lake of Rage)

" This sucks. "

Kris stared at the lake with an angry expression on her face. " I hate Johto. I hate fanfiction. And I hate Rosonetis and her obsession with Itachi ! "

She kicked a rock and huffed. " Why should I care if Magikarp are being transformed into slimy, scaly snake things ?! " she muttered to herself. " It may be immoral, but it's not my flippin' problem ! It's P.E.T.A.'s ! But I can't do a f--kin' thing about this, because I'm supposed to be the hero of the story, while Gold gets to sit on his flat, lazy behind and look at hentai ! "

" Yah. I've also been trying to get Whitney's autograph, but I think she's mad at me. "

Gold grinned at the blue-green haired girl, who scowled and hit him on the head with a newspaper. " And now I have to deal with him, " Kris muttered. " The arrogant, messy-dressed, stupid idiot, Gold. "

" Yah, I'm pretty messy-dressed, " Gold said. " What are you doin' here, Krissy ? "

D8 " I had to come here against my will, because I'm the flippin' hero of the story. Lucky me. "

" Yeah. Lucky you. "

**PUNCH !**

_**" GO AWAY, YOU BUG ! "**_

" Hehehehe....no. "

-.- " Fine. You can stay, I guess. I have to help out some sorta Gyarados. I think it's the red one. "

o.o " You _think _? "

_" YEAH, I THINK_ ! Gosh, there could be other red Gyarados, you know ! "

" Oh. "

Kris shut her eyes out of annoyance and let out Jessie from the pokeball. The Krabby scratched her back with her sharp claws, and the trainer sighed. " All right, Jess. It's time to capture an overgrown lizard. "

" Kookeeh ? (Rayquaza ?) "

" Nope, that's in Hoenn. We have to bag ourselves a red Gyarados that's terrorizing everything...or somethin' like that...."

" Kook ? (Seriously ?) "

" Yes, sadly. "

Jessie went into the water, and Kris sat upon Jessie. It took trainer and pokemon to get to their destination of the middle of the lake, but they managed it after an hour.

The Gyarados was sleeping, a cloud of smoke coming out of his tiny nostrils. Kris sweatdropped. " I actually would rather battle the other lizard...."

_" COME ON, KRISSY, OL' BUDDY ! KICK SOME RED ASS ! "_

Faraway on the land, Gold and his trusty bullhorn were shouting cheers that were really insults. Not liking the cap-wearing boy, Kris just ignored him, redirecting her gaze back to the sleeping lizard.

" Sh-t. This is more complex than I thought, " she thought to herself. " How do I wake up a sleeping lizard that's the size of five hundred fire hydrants ? "

**ROCK'D !**

(Gyarados) " ......."

Kris paled about ten shades and looked back at Gold. He was grinning from ear to ear and held several rocks in his hand.

She looked back at Gyarados, who was staring right back at her, an expression of total fury painted on his face.

After a few minutes of ominous silence, the Gyarados let out an ear-splitting roar, and Kris gulped. " F--k. "

_**" ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR ! " _**_

* * *

(-Disturbing battle sequence music!-)

Gyarados : _**ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR !**_  
Kris : o.o Please don't let this end badly. Jessie, go !  
Jessie : Kookeh !  
Kris : Uhhhh....vicegrip !  
Jessie : Kook-kooky. (I don't know that word)  
(Gyarados uses weirdo dragon-lizard move; Jessie loses 1/2 HP!)

Kris : Uh-oh....uh...cut !

Jessie : Kooook ? (Myself ?)

Kris :_ NO ! _The Gyarados !  
(Gyarados uses another weirdo dragon-lizard move; Jessie faints!)

Kris : -.- Dude, that was so weak....Bob, go defend my honor instead of eating all my cheese fries !

(Bob pops out.)

Kris : Try razor leaf !  
(Bob uses razor leaf on Gyarados. Somehow it's super-effective, and Gyarados loses 3/4 HP!)

Kris : Okay, poke ball, _goooooooooooooooooo !_

-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-DING!-

(...silence...)

_**" CONGRATULATIONS ! KRIS CAUGHT A RED GYARADOS....AND GOLD POOFED OUT OF THE 'EFFIN SCENE ! "**_

_**" KRIS RECEIVES RED SCALE ! "**_

Kris grinned as she looked at the shiny scale from the Gyarados. " I may be able to use this for the future, " she said. " Let's see about Mr. Temper Tantrum now. He can be called....Brock, just to spite him. And Gold...he's such a jack-ass....."

She looked down at the fainted Jessie and sweatdropped. " Wow. Nintendo's abusive. "

* * *

(Lance)

After Kris had used medicinal things to heal her pokemon, she and Jessie slowly swam to the shore, far away from the lake.

When they arrived, a fiery-red man was staring at a nearby sign. Six foot and above, with a dark red jogging suit and a long flowing red cape, he looked at Kris with astonishment. " Wow. Gyarados got owned, " he murmured.

Kris nodded. " Yeah. I guess he did. "

The man formed a thin smile on his mouth. " Hmm. You are Kris Staller. Eleven years old, blue-green hair, with a short temper and intolerance for stupid people. "

" Yeah. And you are....Satan ? "

" Negative. "

(...silence and blinking....)

" Then....who are you ? "

The man chuckled. " I am Lance. "

" Oh. So...you're that guy that sends out Spludder on missions. "

" Yeah. I am that guy. "

" And...you're also supposed to be the Champion of Johto...."

" Yes, but I didn't expect you to know that. "

" Okay. "

Lance sighed. " So, I saw your battle skills. They are very powerful. I can tell that you're a trainer that can own a lot of people. Could you help me investigate ? "

" With what ? "

" The Magikarp are being forced to evolve. "

" If I don't do this, then I can't continue on this journey, right ? "

" Oh, yeah. "

" Fine. "

Lance grinned. " Excellent ! I'll be waiting for you in Mahogany, Kris ! "

-poof!-

Kris groaned. " Happy fun time's once again going to be fun, fun, fun, " she muttered in a flat tone. " This sucks. "

End


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14 : Underground and Inevitable Doom ?

_Here's Chapter 14. Hope you guys like it...'cause I attempted to add detail. _

_+ New character. YAYS ! ^^ _

_And I own nothing except my fanfics.....;D_

* * *

(Mahogany Town...._again....)_

[Building # 53,632 in the Pokemon world :

We got your goods ; do you have the dough ?]

Kris rolled her eyes at the spray-painted sign that was in front of the tinted shop.....building....house ?

" What the f--k is this place supposed to be ? " Kris thought, gazing at the roof, which had patches of wood nailed on it.

Not wanting to get into another evil predicament, the blue-green-haired girl merely shrugged at her thoughts. She took out a pokeball from her pants pocket and opened it, releasing Steve, who had an innocent yet psychotic look painted on his face. " All right, Steve. I know it's been a couple of weeks since I let you out of the little red and white ball that I've learned to know and love, but I've been busy, " the trainer said.

" Togi ? (Why) "

" D- I don't need a reason _why_ ! " Kris snapped, throwing a random dictionary at a burning tree. " I've been dealing with ghost freaks, fat narcissists, and one stupi- no, - two stupid boys that are annoying to the extreme ! Don't ask me why I've been busy ! "

" Toge-togi ! (You smell.) "

_" SHUT UP, STEVE ! "_

**PSYCHIC 'YOUR MOM' TOSS AT KRIS !**

-.- " .....This is why you're my least favorite pokemon...."

The small Togepi shrugged, taking a bite off a candy cane. Kris muttered a few swear words before she reluctantly placed Steve on top of her backpack and went inside the unidentified place.

Inside, the appearance of the place seemed pretty shabby. Shelves were nailed to the wall with empty bottles of various things on them. A couple of dirty floor mats were laid out across the dust-covered floor. Posters of KFC chicken were glued to the wall, and leaning on a rather short counter was a scrawny man with dark glasses.

" What do you need ? " the scrawny man inquired, tapping a bony hand on the counter edgily.

Kris looked around the cramped place and flushed slightly. " Could....I use your bathroom ? "

" _SORRY_, bathroom toll is $2,500 ! "

" ....That's an even bigger ripoff than the gate fee at the Lake of Rage ! "

The scrawny man chuckled. " I know. Tis a living,_ I KNOW ! "_

_" DAMN IT, LET ME USE THE FLIPPIN' BATHROOM ! "_

" Nope. **CHRIS BROWN FTW ! WOOT ! "**

o.o " Dude, did you just say 'woot' ? "

" Yes. **LIGHT YAGAMI SO SMEXY AND KILLA' ! HE SO BOSS AND WIIIIICKEEEEEED ! "**

_" DRAGONITE, HYPER BEAM ! "_

A powerful beam of yellow light threw the scrawny guy to the wall. Lance stomped over to Kris and grimaced. " What took you, Gold ?! " he demanded. " I've been waiting for hours ! "

T.T " What the hell are you talking about ? You just got here ! And...I'm Kris, stupid ! "

" Oh. Well, just as I thought, that strange radio signal that's been interfering with my 103.5 KISS FM is coming from here. "

" What gave you the suspicion, the giant metal tower on the roof near those patches, or the dozens of radios in this place ? " Kris inquired sarcastically.

Lance shook his head. " Neither. I learned....from the fragrance of my majestic cape ! "

The cape-wearing man strode to one of the shelves. He pointed to the shelf with satisfaction. " The stairs are here ! " he cried, sliding a panel on the floor. Like magic, a staircase revealed itself. Lance turned to Kris. " Kris, we should split up to check this place. "

" Why ? "

The red-haired man shut his eyes. " Because....I work solo. "

He walked down the staircase. The scrawny man groaned. " Damn...you found the stairway....but you're so hot. "

Kris looked at the scrawny man for a few seconds before wordlessly going down the stairs.

* * *

(Underground)

The corridor seemed to have an ominous feel to it. Persian statues with oddly shiny eyes were set four feet apart from each other.

Kris sweatdropped at the statues. " Somebody seems to be feline fanatic, " she murmured, fingering the ears.

" Togi ? (Like your mom ?) "

" .....F--k you. "

-ding-ding-ding!- -ding-ding-ding!- -ding-ding-ding!-

Two men wearing the Team Rocket uniform popped up in front of Kris, blocking her way. The first man sneered. " Oh, look, it's a girl ! "

The other man chuckled. " Intruder al-eeeert ! "

Kris grimaced. " Steve, these guys think like weirdos. You could destroy them if you want. "

" Togiiii. (Yessssss.) "

**PSYCHIC ENERGY OF ALL STATUES AND STUPID ROCKET GRUNTS !!!**

All sign of any underclass Team Rocket grunts dissolved. Kris grinned widely, patting Steve on the head....

...Before she fell deeper into the underground.

* * *

(Basement # 2)

_[Steal Pokemon for profit !  
Exploit Pokemon for profit !  
All Pokemon exist for the glory of Team Rocket !  
(And so do the nachoes....) ]_

Basement Number Two was similar to Basement Number One, but was without any statues.

Kris just stood there, dazed. " Wow. What horrible architecture, " she commented, looking at an odd-shaped block.

_" KRIS ! "_

Lance magically appeared out of nowhere and gazed at Kris. " You okay ? " he asked.

" Yah, I'm okay. "

" All right, then....anyway, Kris, let's give this mission our best....for pokemon ! "

-.- " Dude, this isn't a mission. It's an involuntary adventure. "

Lance shrugged. " Whatever. "

-poof!-

Kris winced. " Well, at least he doesn't seem as stupid as the others...."

" Tok-tok-toki ! (He left the building out of cowardice....) "

(...silence....)

_**" DAMN YOU, LAAAAAAAAAAANCE ! "**_

* * *

(Basement # 3)

" F--king Lance. He's going on my revenge list, too. "

Kris walked around angrily with Steve in the empty hallways of Basement Number Three. She grumbled as she stomped around, hurting Team Rocket grunts and throwing trash cans into tinted woods. " I have to find two passwords in order to get into an executive's office, " she mumbled. " What fun. What joy. A bunch of f--kin' holiday cheer to go with the cookies that I never received in the mail. "

The girl sighed. " My life sucks. "

" Togiii. (Haha.) "

T.T " Shut...the hell up....you damn egg. "

" HEY ! YOU'RE KRIS STALLER ! "

Kris turned around to find a girl with long auburn hair and bright blue eyes. This girl, who looked older than Kris, was wearing a white hat, a blue tanktop, a rather short ed skirt, blue socks, and white tennis shoes, and on her head was a Ditto.

" Almost caught again, Ditty, " the girl said to the Ditto, " but that's okay. We'll get those passwords somehow. "

The brown-haired girl sighed and turned to another direction, where Kris was standing, dumbfounded. She grinned. " Hiii ! Nice to meet you ! "

" ...Hi, " Kris said, confused. " Who...are you ? "

" Oh, sorry, I'm not good at introducing myself without chattering ! I'm Green ! " Green replied, quickly taking Kris's hand and shaking it.

" Nice...to meet you. "

Green nodded. " So...what are you doing here ? "

T.T " Trying to save the world for some scripted reason. "

" Oh. That sucks. I'm trying to capture Ho-oh. That bastard chicken bird has to pay...."

V.V " Yeah, out of all the legendaries, he's my least favorite. "

Another nod. Green smiled. " So, wanna be friends ? "

Kris grinned. " Sure. You seem like a good friend. "

The two girls shook hands, and Kris pointed to her Togepi. " This is another face of evil, " Kris said. " He's psychic, and everybody should know that most cute egg thingies with psychic powers are evil. "

Green nodded again. " Yeah, he looks uberly evil. "

-ding-ding-ding!- -ding-ding-ding!- -ding-ding-ding!-

(Both girls) " What the he- "

_**" EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELL ?! "**_

* * *

(Inevitable Doom ? )

" Kris, wake up ! We're in a flippin' cage ! "

_" HUH ?! "_

Kris woke up groggily to find Green standing by her side. The blue-green-haired girl moaned. " We are ? How'd that happen, Green ? "

Green shrugged. " I have no idea. There was that generic ding, some vicious Rhydon, and the next thing I know, we're in here ! I think somebody K.O.'d us. "

" Wow. I can't believe Team Rocket would have that kind of knowledge to do that, " Kris murmured.

" Unless....it wasn't those stupid executives that indulge in spaghetti. "

" Huh ? What do you mean, Green ? "

Green pointed to a cackling old man with small tufts of white hair who was sitting on a leather-back chair. Both girls sweatdropped. Green glared at the old man.

" Pryce. "

Pryce gave a cool glance at Green and smirked. " Green. "

D: " Did you do this to us ?! " Green demanded angrily.

" Yah, I did. It was _fuuuuunneh. "_

Kris sweatdropped and turned back to Green. " Green ? Could I have some kinda explanation ? I mean, I know that this old guy is the Mask of Ice, the gym leader of this flippin' town, and your mortal nemesis, but I still can't ponder on the fact that this old guy is the actual mastermind behind all of this bullsh-t. "

Green looked at Kris and sighed. " I know. It seems unbelievable, but it's true. This guy is behind the weird radio broadcasts, " she muttered, " but I don't know how we're going to stop hi- "

**PSYCHIC ENERGYYYYYYYYYYYYYY !**

(Pryce) X.X

Kris facefaulted. " Steve....helped us ? "

She looked down at the psychotic Togepi, who just chirped happily. Green sweatdropped as she walked over to the corpse of Pryce and picked up something small and shiny. " Uh, Kris ? I found a GlacierBadge in Pryce's back pocket. Do you want it ? " she asked.

" Uh....sure ? "

_**" KRIS RECEIVES GLACIERBADGE ! "**_ the annoying voice from thin air boomed.

i.i " So....Kris ? What do we tell Sheila ? " Green inquired.

o.o " I say we just let her find out on her own....."

" Yeah, but wouldn't that make her have some sort of frickin' vendetta against us ? "

Kris smiled wickedly. " No. She'll have some sort of frickin' vendetta against _Gold_...and possibly Skipper. "

Green grinned. " Wow. So...now that we managed to destroy the radio broadcasts (somehow), and you got your badge, are we friends ? "

" Oh, hell yeah. You're the sanest person I've met in this whole region ! "

" Same here ! "

The two girls shook hands for the second time in the day. Kris took out her PokeGear and looked at her messages.

_(Professor Elm : Kris, I found out some freaky-deaky sh-t about the radio broadcasts ! At first, I thought I was just hallucinating, but then, I went to your mom's to cheat on my wife, ('cause I'm straight again), and there was that weird radio broadcast again ! They were talking about Team Spaceship ! So...Gold, do you know anything about it ? Ooh, maybe it was actually the pizza guy ! Or....I dunno ! Well, I gotta go, sorry for not paraphrasin' or whatever that's called when you tab a message. Bye, bitch !)_

Message # 2 :

_(Professor Oak (?) : Little boy, you must go to Goldenrod City and stop that evil team ! It's part of your script, and if you don't do it, I shall get my uberly-annoying grandson to pwn you in every single pokemon battle that you do ! And yes, I can do this, because I am the all-knowing Professor ! MWAHAHAHAHAHA !)_

Message # 3 :

_(Mom : Krissy, this is your mommy. I've been getting money from your battles, and I found this kawaii Magikarp plushie, so I bought it. Sorry ! )_

Message # 4 (what the f--k?) :

_(Falkner (o.o) : Kris, this is Falkner. I haven't heard from you in a while, and so I just wanted to see what's been happenin' with you. I guess nothin', so I'll hang up and try to reach you later. Byyyyye !)_

-end of messages!-

Kris groaned loudly. Green sweatdropped slightly. " Kris, what's wrong ? "

-.- " I have to go to Goldenrod. Stupid Team Rocket. It was nice meeting you, Green. "

" What do you mean, _" it was nice meeting you "_ ? "

" Well, I have to go out of my way to save this stupid region. I doubt you're going there. You have your own problems. "

Green shook her head. " No, I'm not doing anything except searching for Ho-oh. You're my buddy, you have issues thrusted upon you without any protest, and so I shall help you beat down those bad guys ! "

Kris sniffled. " Do you really mean it, Green ? "

" _Suuuuure_ I do ! Just...please keep your Togepi away from me. I'm a bit freaked out of it. "

o.o " All right....Steve....return. "

-Steve go poofeh!-

Both girls sweatdropped. Kris rubbed the back of her head and laughed nervously. " Okay, then, Green....we should go now...."

" Yah...."

And so the two girls reluctantly started off towards Goldenrod City, scarred by the murderous Togepi that was in its pokeball.

End


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15 : Radio Tower and Underground Warehouse

_One of my 'lamer' chapters. I think I could've done better, but....hehehe....next chapter's going to have one-sided Falkner/Kris, so....point is, next chapter's going to be weirder.... X3 _

* * *

" Doo-doo-doo-doo-dooooo ! "

-clickety click-clickety click!-

_" Dalaaa-doodooooooo ! "_

-clickety click-clickety click!-

_**" HOW MANY BRICKS DOES IT TAKE TO TURN SILVER-KUN INTO POOOOOOOOO ? "**_

Green's singing resounded throughout the Magnet Train. Even though it was out of tone and squeaky-high, Kris snickered at the thought of the red-headed boy named Silver turning to poo by having bricks thrown at him.

The conductor, however, was juuust a bit overannoyed by the singing and the pooness and the hamburger pickles. He walked over to where Kris and Green were sitting and tapped Kris on the shoulder. " Excuse me, but I think it's time to tell your friend to shut the hell up, " he said testily. " The passengers are starting to get a bit miffed by screechy dolphin tones. "

T.T " Are you calling my friend a f--king dolphin ?! "

" N-No....." the man started to form a sweatdrop.

" And there are no other passengers on this flippin' train ! " Kris continued. " You're lucky you managed to get two people ! "

" Hmph. Fine, then. Miss Dolphin can continue her horrible orchestra of pitches. I'm gonna grab a cold one from the fridge. "

The conductor stomped off into another room, leaving Kris and Green by themselves again. Green looked up from her singing for the first time and sweatdropped. " Was somebody here ? " she inquired, staring at Kris with wide blue eyes.

-__- " More like a nobody. "

* * *

" Fwalla-walla. Fwalla-walla. "

-silence-

_" FWALLAAAAAA-**WALLAAAAAAAA !** FWALLAAAAAAA-**WALLAAAAA ! **"_

i.i " Whaddya think that noise is, Kris ? "

" Dunno. It's pretty annoying, though. "

Green nodded. " Yeah. Sounds like a sick pokemon. "

_" FWAAAAAAAAAAAA ! BYAAAAAAAAAAAAALAAAAAAAA ! "_

Kris started to sweatdrop. " That isn't a sick pokemon. "

" What is it, then ? "

T.T " Gold. "

The annoying boy by the name of Gold appeared in front of the two girls with a mischievous grin. " Hiya, Kris ! " he said cheerfully, looking at Green with lustful intentions in his golden-tinted eyes. " I see youse got a friend, walla-walla-walla. A pretty lady-friend. "

Kris shot Gold a furious look. " Yeah. My 'lady-friend' is Green. "

" Green, huh ? "

Gold stepped over to where Green was standing and tipped his goggles in a friendly manner. " Name's Gold Caramel, " Gold said, taking Green's hand and rubbing it against his cheek. His throat made an inhumane cooing sound. " I like how your hand feels. It's like silk....ooh, could I call you Silky ? "

Green's cheeks flushed furiously. She yanked her hand out of Gold's grasp and smacked him in the mouth with a package of CDs that were filled with eBay computer lessons. " Ew, you lecher ! " she screeched, kicking the boy in the groin with each word that came out of her. " No...damn...respect....for...a....lady ! "

" Alla-walla ? "

"_** NO 'ALLA-WALLA' !**_ "

" Come on, Silky, give me some Fritoe- _**OWWWWWWWW !**_ "

The brunette had whacked him with the CD package, this time in his happy place. Gold grimaced, clutching his happy place with his hands as he fell to the ground. " Shee-yaaa, you're feisty, " he murmured, groaning. " No wonder you and Krissy are such good friends. "

Kris scowled. " I already told you, my name isn't Krissy ! "

" Yeah, yeah, whatever. " Gold slowly stood up, walking away from Kris and Green. " I'm gonna see if I can gamble. See ya ! "

-poof!-

Green crossed her arms, glowering at the spot where Gold stood before escaping her wrath. " Your friend....is a toad, " she murmured, angry tones hinted in her voice.

Kris nodded. " Yep. A rotten toad. "

-sigh- " So...this is the Radio Tower ? Looks poorly built. "

" .....My life in a nutshell."

* * *

(Radio Tower)

Kris opened the creaky door of the Radio Tower and stepped inside, Green following her almost-inaudible movements. An ominous silence seemed to fill the air, choking the sounds that were inside of the building with its eerieness. Team Rocket grunts were loitering around the first floor, smoking cigarettes and talking amongst themselves.

No one seemed to notice the two girls creeping around this floor, gawking at microphones (Green : OMG, you guys actually have technology in Johto!), and snooping through miscellaneous pieces of paper.

And then.....

O.O _**" ROARK, YOU'RE IN TEAM ROCKET ?! "**_

A guy that was about twenty years old, wearing thick and dorky glasses, a stupid-looking beret, and rubber black boots, looked at Kris, gawked at her, and then the over-dramatic jaw-dropping commenced.

".........." he stood silent, his jaw still hanging just inches from the floor.

Green sweatdropped at the gym leader of Oreburgh City in Sinnoh. " Oh, Arceus, you've got to be f--king yanking my chain. "

"......" a mega large sweatdrop the size of a banana appeared in the back of his head, quivering in fear, silence, and total astonishment.

(...................................silence........................................)

Kris's right eye twitched. " Let me ask this again, " she murmured, giving Roark a glare of DOOM. " You're in Team Rocket ?! "

Roark slowly nodded, blushing a deep scarlet. " I wanted the ladies to impress me, 'specially Candice. "

" ....Dude, Candice went out of your dating picture when you started to act like your father. Give it up. "

**_" I DON'T _WANNA_ DATE GARDENIA, THOUGH ! SHE'S CRAZY ! "_**

"....Look, I don't know much about how you gym leaders in Sinnoh act, but dude, you really think that you're sane ? "

".....Mom says I'm her Jolly Rancher. "

"......._BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA ! "_

Green snickered. " Roarky, you should just go poofy back to Mommy. "

" Yah, I think so. Screw evil. They promised cookies and they lied. "

-poof!-

* * *

(2nd floor....)

After dealing with Roark the Loser, the girls were chattering amiably, while Team Rocket still did nothing that showed that they knew that intruders were in the beloved tower.

" So, Kris, I once battled Team Rocket myself, " Green said, blue eyes flickering from floor tile to floor tile.

" Did you ? "

Green nodded. " With Red. His friend, Blue, helped us with his researching papers, but y'know, a five-page report of the history of the Roman Colisseum really doesn't help a person when there's, like, twenty-somethin' people surrounding you with a bunch of sharp objects, particularly knives. Oh, and pencils. Very pointy pencils. "

" Wow. So...how'd you meet Silver again ? "

" Hostage buddies. "

" Ah. "

" He's okay. I wouldn't go into a relationship with him, 'cause his dad is...odd, but I think you two would go together like pepper and salt. " She winked at Kris. " You're the pepper. "

Kris shrugged. " Silver isn't even salt. He's a speck. A speck of dirt. "

" N-ya, yes, he is ! "

Both girls giggled. Kris leaned on Green's shoulder, blue-green hair dangling inches from the brunette's ear. " Tell me more about Kanto, please. Is it true that they have a place where you could shoot Pidgey and Rattata because they're so overcrowded ? "

Green nodded. " Yah. My dad, who I reunited with (and it feels so good) back in '04, we sometimes went to that reserve. It's right across from Professor Oak's lab. Mom's been saying to me for the last couple of years, _'Green, if you want to shoot something, shoot a Dratini. At least you'll be able to get a minimum sentence of two years. With birds and rats, the most you can get is a week of community service. So, if you want to be a criminal like your red-haired hippie friend and his father, go ahead and shoot something that's worth shooting and pretty. That's a Dratini, or a Cubone. Hell, even shooting that Snubbull of yours would work.'_ " She shook her head. " Mom's a bit....peculiar. I stopped shooting with my dad to shut her up, but even so, she still rants on how I should shoot a Dratini so she can skin it, we can eat it, and she could hang the skin above the fireplace....."

".....Wow. "

".......Yeah. Wow. "

* * *

(Third floor.....(good grief....) )

Kris sighed. " I thought I would be battling, like, hundreds of generic Team Rocket grunts by now, but all we've been getting from them so far is ignorance and a pleading of twenty-five cents for the 'sodi-machine'. "

" Yeah. D'you still have that Gameshark that you said you used back in Violet City ? "

" Yeah........"

**ACTION REPLAY !**

* * *

('oly crap, we finally made it to : 5TH FLOOR !)

Green flicked a strand of brown hair off of her nose. " Action Replay really makes your nose itch, " she muttered, scratching the end of her nose. " Must be the glitchies in between space and time. "

Kris nodded, rubbing her own nose. " Last time I got a nosebleed from it. " The girl sneezed. " Let's see....the fake Director is....right in that wheely-chair. "

And there the fake Director sat, smirking, flipping his chicken-butt hair, tipping his ha-

(Holy corn dog in a mineshaft....'flipping his chicken-butt hair' ?!!)

(Both girls) :_** " SASUKE UCHIHA ?! "**_

" Yes, it is I, the murderful Sasuke Uchiha that millions of girls fangirlize over ! " Sasuke replied, smiling in a weird way. " And I am the fantastical head of this entire operation ! I will reunite Team Rocket and dump Giovanni like a piece of shi- "

(Kris) T.T " Just give us the damn basement key before I hurt you. "

Sasuke huffed. " Fine. "

He tossed the key at the two girls and disappeared with a giant cloud covering him. Green sweatdropped. " Uchihas are weird...."

* * *

(Underground Warehouse)

Kris opened the forbidden door of the Underground Basement with the magical Basement Key that also opened many, many other doors. With a squeaky clicking noise, the door opened with a slight push. " And this is the secretive warehouse, " she muttered. " ....Nothing's in here. The stupid technicians took our little puzzle thingie that was supposed to be in here ! "

Green tapped a wall. " You're right. No switches or anything. What a dud. "

" Hold it ! "

Both girls turned around to see Silver, who was now sweatdropping. "....Since when are you friends with the freaky-haired one, Green ?! "

**_MALLET OF DOOM !_**

" Hello, Spontaneous, " Kris said, smirking.

Silver's cheeks flustered. " My name is Silver, " he growled, shaking his head, turning redder by the second. " I saw you, so I followed you. I don't need you in my way while me, myself, and I alone take care of Team Rocket. "

Green scoffed. " You couldn't take care of a Totodile plushie, let alone an entire screwup organization. Admit it. "

" No freakin' way ! She beat me before ! I have to prove it was a fluke ! "

Kris glowered at Silver. " It wasn't no damn fluke ! I beat you, fair and rectangular ! "

" Bitch, don't tell me tha- "

_**MALLET ! KICK ! PUNCH ! BACKPACK !**_

" Ow. Why do I lose ? I made up the awesomest pokemon team. I made them train full capacity and beyond, up to total exhaustion. So...why the hell do I lose ? "

" 'Cause you're a lowlife bastard that has long hair and is an emo wannabe, " Kris coolly replied.

" Hmph. I don't understand. Is that advice about love and trust that Lance gave me true ? Is that what I lack ? " Silver grimaced. " F--k. I should've known. "

He turned back to Kris. " Kris, we shall meet again. Maybe as rivals, maybe as friends. Hell, maybe as lovers. But not now. I won't give up this dream of becoming a Class D- trainer. I'll meet both of you again....and when I do, I shall pwn your ass, Staller ! "

-poof!-

Green sniffled. " Wow. I never seen Silver like that before. Usually he just spouts out gibberish and acts like a total dumb-ass. " She sniffled again, blue eyes watering dramatically. " _AWWWWWWW ! HE SAID, 'MAYBE AS LOVERS' !_ Silver-poo's got a crush on you ! "

Kris scowled. " Yuck. I'd rather date his crap in the toilet. "

-sniffle- " Those insults must be what's attracting him ! "

o.o " No....f--king....way. "

" Waaaaaaay. "

(........silence...........)

"....After we save the Director, I'm going on a date to crush the red-headed one's dreams. "

Green's eyes widened. " With whom ? "

* * *

(Somewhere in Violet City.....)

" Another day, another Spearo- huh ? "

Falkner sweatdropped at his phone. " A message ?.... Who could it be ? "

He pressed a few faded buttons and looked at the text message. As the boy read it, however, girly pink hearts replaced his eyes......

_(Hi, Falkner, this is Kris. I have to do some hero stuff first, but maybe me and a friend could meet up with you, and we can have a....date. Yeah, a date. Somewhere with burgers....and onion rings. Yeah. We could do it tomorrow. Ttyl, bye ! :3)_

(......................................................................)

**-FAINT!-**

End


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16 : Director and Date

_So...this chapter got a liiiittle bizarre. It also made a hella lot of references. They will be listed at the bottom of the page. I own no references, or any characters. I only own my fanfics. _

_NO OWNY POKEMON ! ;D _

* * *

(Director)

" Thank you both for untying me and getting me away from those drugged-up Yeti ! "

Kris sweatdropped. The two girls had rescued the Director from the Underground Warehouse an hour earlier, and now they were all sitting on top of cardboard boxes in the Director's office. Green, knowing that a lot of things were screwed up in the Johto region, wisely kept her mouth shut to avoid a heated argument, while Kris acted as the spokesperson of the group. " Um, it's not a problem, but there were no Yeti around you....."

_" YEAH, THERE WERE ! I MUSTA COUNTED AT LEAST THREE-FITTY YETI SURROUNDIN' ME ! "_

o.o " Okay, then....."

The Director folded his hands together. " Anyway, Team Rocket is finally gone from this city ! No more will us residents be oppressed by men in black and Twizzler whips ! Krissy, Greeny, thank you ! Your actions to kick ass have saved pokemon nationwide ! "

" Uh, no problem....." Green murmured.

" Uh-huh. I must give you this ! "

**-DIRECTOR HANDS KRIS CLEAR BELL!-**

Kris blinked at the small bell and grimaced. " We save the world for a bell, " she muttered sarcastically. " Whoopee. "

" I know, right ? There used to be a tower right here in Goldenrod City, but it was old and creaky. I think it was a McDonald's. We replaced it with our glorious Radio Tower, and we dug up that bell during construction. Well, actually a Diglett coughed it up after swallowing some dirt, but it's about the same thing. I heard a rumor from an old guy that all sorts of psychedelic pokemon lived in Goldenrod in the past....before the Yeti came and destroyed everything...."

He sighed. " Perhaps....this bell has some connection to the Tin Tower in Ecruteak City, as that tower also served hamburgers, though they were Burger King and far better. Ah, that reminds me. I heard some of those Rocket grunts whispering. Somethin' actually is goin' on at the Tin Tower. I have no idea what's goin' on, 'cause I'm not interested in anything other than Taco Bell, but you ladies might look into it. "

(Both girls) " Uhhh, maybe. "

" See, I knew you'd be interested ! " the Director croaked. He slicked back his hair. " Well, I better get to my office before the Yeti try to break in. Gotta be careful in this day and age. "

-poof!-

Green sweatdropped. " ........"

Kris slapped her forehead. " Why couldn't I have been born in Sinnoh like my cousin ? Why ? Why ? _Whyyyyyyy ?! "_

* * *

The local clothing shop seemed to be filled with eccentric, hippie-like outfits. A person couldn't walk ten feet without passing up a pair of faded bellbottoms or a a tie-dye shirt.

Kris wrinkled her nose when she and Green stepped inside this cramped place. The blue-green haired girl examined a pair of wooden sandals, wincing as she did so. " Damn. I can't believe this is the only shop in Violet City that's not been killed off by the flippin' economy, " she muttered, tracing the sandal straps with her finger.

Green shrugged. " I know a person - her name is Yellow - and her parents were hippies. " She blushed after this sentence. " Y'know, to be honest with you, I think they're still hippies. "

o.o " Is your friend a dru- "

" No, she's clean, " Green hastily replied, sweatdropping. " A lot of people think that she is, but she's not. I've checked. But yeah, I do believe her parents are hippies. Her mom wears these long skirts, is fascinated by hula hoops, and has placed a giant guitar on top of the fireplace for 'some kinda peace symbol to the Beatles'. And her dad always wears this bright neon green bandana on his head. He has those enormous glasses, and he's always blabbing about how flowers smell good. Sometimes I get scared....."

" ....Because your parents are rule-happy and Yellow's parents are against....' the man ' ? "

-_- " ...Changing the subject, when is the date today with Falkner ? "

" I forgot. He left this long message on my craptacular phone this morning. He seemed very enthusiastic about it. "

-clicky of PokeGear!-

_**" YOU HAVE 87 MESSAGES ! "**_ the annoying voice from out of nowhere boomed.

Kris groaned. " Professor Elm is such a _bitch_, man....."

-more clicky!-

" Awwww. One message, " the voice said, sounding disappointed now that there was a bajillion messages.

Message # 1 :

_(Falkner : Hiya, Kris, this is Falkner. I picked a nice burger place here in Violet City. They have onion rings and ye olde juteboxes. I thought that would be pretty neat. But I don't know, 'cause I'm not a stalker and I don't ask questions._

_Anyway, meet me here around four. We can eat, and have some fun making fun of the employees that work there. And....don't you have a friend with you ?)_

The next couple of lines were crossed out with a strike thingie. Kris scratched her head as she continued to read.

_(Maybe we could have a double-date - you an' me, and your friend and..... some homeless guy. I hear Dave's been looking for a girl ever since the last one got sick with the monoculosis. Or, maybe she'd rather hang solo. I dunno. Anyway, I can't wait to see you again. Hope you don't get ill ~ Falkner. )_

Kris dropped her phone, groaning. " There's always a catch with these kind of guys....."

Green furrowed her eyebrows. " ....Dave....."

o.o " Uh, I'm sure Falkner was just kidding about that....."

_" Dave......"_

" Green, he was probably kidding. There's no reason to throw a hissy fit about thi- "

_**" DAVE ! "**_ Green spat, her blue eyes twinkling out of fury.

" .....Um, I'm going to another section to see what else this store has as far as style, " Kris said, slowly heading for the giant straw hats. " Um, Green, maybe you could....look for....necklaces with peace symbols....."

T.T _**" Dave. "**_

A sweatdrop formed by Kris. She laughed nervously. " Well, you have fun with that, " she replied, her usual sarcastic demeanor being demolished. " I'm going to....do what I said....."

-poof-

* * *

(Green's POV)

o.o Oops. I scared Kris. I don't think I should've done that....

" I hear Dave's been looking for a girl ever since the last one got sick with the monoculosis. "

D8 Then again....._Dave._

....But it isn't her fault. It's Falkner's fault. The_ bastard._ How _dare_ he set me up with a guy that doesn't shower ! I mean, bless the homeless peoples' hearts, for being homeless, but there is no way on Mew's green Earth that I'd ever go for someone who is thirty years older than me !

And....why am I ranting inside my head ? I's not supposed to do that, am I ?

**NO !** I'm supposed to take Falkner hostage, burn his underwear, and then dump him in a Dumpster brand dumpster like a piece of shi-

O.o No, wait. That's planned for that Caramel guy.

~__~ Okay, Plan B. Bird Guy wants me to double date ~ I'll double date. I just need someone that hates Falkner like I do....

Got it ! ......No wait, nebber mind.

* * *

Meanwhile, in another part of Violet City....

" Come on, Cyndaquil ! We must perfect the fiery spike attack...thingie ! "

Cyndaquil merely looked at his trainer and flopped over to his side in defiance before yawning. Silver placed his hands on his head and grimaced. " Ah, damn it, Yuk, you suck ! "

" Cyiiiiiii. "

_" DON'T TELL ME TO GO TO HELL ! "_

" Cyi-cyndaquil. "

Silver groaned. " Yeah, I'm pushing myself too hard, but I have to get better at this training thing. After all, I'm a rival, not a janitor workin' for Burger King. "

" Cyndaquil. (Curry sucks.) "

"....What the _hell_ brought up curry ? "

Cyndaquil shrugged, flopping to his other side. Silver rolled his eyes as he returned the sickly and mousy pokemon back into the dreaded pokeball. " Dah, training sucks. "

" No, _you_ suck as a _trainer_. "

" Wha- What the hell ?! "

Silver turned around to see Falkner sneering at him. The red-headed boy crossed his arms. " Well, if it isn't the pretty boy. French Toast, isn't it ? "

T.T " Falkner. "

" Yeah, that's it ! Falkner ! " Silver said in mock surprise. " You have such pretty green hair ! Did you dye it yourself, or did you have incense and peppermints do it for you ? " he sneered.

Falkner huffed. " No, they did it to you, Hippie Hair. "

" I don't think so, Fernando. They don't bother to take a chance on me ! "

" Well, domo arigato, Mr. Roboto ~ at least I'm not a cold-hearted snake ! "

" No - you're a bohemian. The game is over for you. You phail. "

" I do not f-. Wait a minute. Did you just say ' fail ' with a ' ph ' ?!!! "

" Yeah. "

" Hey, hey , I don't wanna be your girlfriend, 'cause you're a reckless hippie with no_ frie-eeeeends_ ! "

_**" THAT'S IT ! I CHOOSE YOU TO BATTLEEEEEEE ! "**_

-dramatic scene & music start-

* * *

Silver : Link, I CHOOSE YOU !

(Link pops out)  
Link : ......  
Falkner : Okay, then. _GOOOOO, MARIO !_

(Mario pops out. )  
Mario : 'Ey, what's the idea of makin' me a pokemon ? I'm the plumber !

Falkner : _AND I DON'T PAY YOU TO TALK ! MARIO, USE THE PLUNGIE THINGIE_ !  
Mario : _Maaaaaaariiiiiiiooooooo !_  
(Mario uses Plungie Thingie ; Link loses 3/4 HP !)

Silver : ...Uh-oh.  
Link : .....Shiiiiiit. I knew Zelda and Pokemon didn't mix. I knew it was FF !

Falkner : All right, now use Goldfish !

(Everyone else : Goldfish ? )

(Mario uses Goldfish ; Link is dead ! XD)

* * *

" Oh, my God ! You killed Link ! "

" You bastard ! "

Two one-time characters of Zelda who looked like a rip-off of the ANBU Black Ops took Link and poofed. Silver sweatdropped. " That's definitely going into my diary...."

Falkner grinned. " It was nice talking to you, Silver. I must depart, though. I have a date today ! "

Silver paled. " Who the hell do you have a date with ?! "

" Oh, wouldn't you like to know ? "

**" YEAH ! "**

" Too bad. "

-poofy!-

Silver kicked the nearest trash can, an anger mark near his head. " .....But I will find out...."

* * *

(Date)

The scene at the Ye Olde Burger Place in Violet City didn't seem to look too pretty. In fact, you could call it a puke-green scene.

It was at a booth. Kris, in a lime green tie-dye shirt and bellbottoms, was unenthusiastically sitting next to Falkner, who was in a polo suit and khakis, grinning like a maniac.

Across from them was Green, who was wearing her usual pale blue tanktop and a pair of capris, and fuming silently. Silver, wearing a straw hat, was in the booth across from this booth, attempting to hide his face behind the...children's...menu.... while stalking Falkner.....

Obviously it wasn't a very nice sight.

" So, Kris, you say you recently received your seventh badge, " Falkner stated, taking a sip of Pepsi. " Impressive. "

Kris shrugged. " Yeah. Next stop is Blackthorn City. "

i.i " Do you need another companion to travel with you ? "

" N- "

_**" DAVE ! "**_

Falkner turned his attention to Green and sighed. " ....Guess not. "

He turned back to Kris. " No new challenges with me. It's been boring. "

" I see...."

Across this booth Silver mumbled a string of obscenities. Kris took out a magazine. " Uh, anyone wanna make fun of drunken celebrities ? I'm flippin' bored...."

-.- " Why don't we place Falkner in a dumpster ?....."

"....Nah. "

Falkner grinned, silently glaring at Green. " You're such a riot, Green. Maybe when Kris and me go on the next date, you could be our official jester ! "

" F--k you ! "

Several things happened at this moment :

A) Three people ordered cheeseburgers.  
B) A cashier tripped over himself. (Hehehe...stuuuupid cashier.)

C) Someone ....or some people.... invaded Silph Co.  
D) Green stomped on Falkner's wittle foot.

And E - Falkner escaped a narrow death, a shuriken thrown inches from his left eye.

_" YOU'RE NOT A SUPER TROUPER ! YOU'RE NOT EVEN A REAL COP ! "_

Silver stood on top of a table, glowering at Falkner. " Bitch ! "

Falkner's face darkened. " _You're_ the bitch...."

And then a moronic fight escalated to two emergency room trips, a psychotic Togepi using Shadow Fang, a kick to the stomach by Green, and a 'why are all guys stupid' rant by Kris.

Thought this date would go super-duper, huh ?

......................

Hehehe....yeah, right.

* * *

(....The epilogue of the chappie.....)

" So, where did you say you were going again ? "

Green shrugged. " ...I don't know, Kris. I was thinking going back to Kanto for a little while. "

" I'm going to miss you. "

" I will, too. We'll live, though. "

" What about Falkner ? "

" Falkner can die in the dumpster. "

Both girls laughed. Kris patted Green on the shoulder. " I'll try to make fun of Silver more, for the two of us. "

" Yays ! And I'll cheer you on as you go to Blackthorn ! "

" Thanks, Green. "

The two girls hugged, and then departed on their separate ways. Kris slowly walked on the path to Blackthorn as the sun set.

....And then Brock was run over by a pack of rabid Stantler.

End

* * *

_(references)_

_1. Drugged-up Yeti. ~ Robot Chicken _

_2. Fast food chains._

_3. Lucas. ;D (Squint hard ~ it's there.) _

_4. 1960's counterculture._

_5. Yellow. ~ Pokemon Adventures _

_6. " Incense and Peppermints " by Strawberry Alarm Clock_

_7. " Fernando " and " Take A Chance On Me " by ABBA_

_8. " Mr. Roboto " by Styx _

_9. " Cold-Hearted Snake " by Paula Abdul _

_10. " The Game Is Over " by N'SYNC_

_11. Link ~ Legend of Zelda_

_12. Mario ~ Mario_

_13. FF ~ Final Fantasy _

_14. " O.m.g. - you killed Kenny ! You bastard " - South Park _

_15. ANBU - Naruto _


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17 : Suicune's Breakdown

_Humor and drama. It's been a while, but Axy has finally overcome writer's block ~ lawls ! X3 _

_I own nothing but my fanfic. Enjoy. ;D_

* * *

" Steve, you really need to get under control. Knowing Nintendo, we might get sued for property damage. "

Togepi glared at Kris with its beady little eyes. The trainer had reached Ecruteak City (again), and was now heading for the Tin Tower after several dozen phone calls from Professor Elm.

She plopped her heinie onto a bench and dropped Steve to the floor, who was still glaring, but now with a battle aura sphere. " Back into the pokeball. "

_" TOGE- "_

-pokeball'd!-

Kris sighed as she turned up old mp3 player to the maximum volume. _**" WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE ~ WE GOT FUN AN' GAMES ! THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE ~ ITS OWNER'S NAME IS JAME- " **_

**" YO ! "**

A bald man wearing a dark red robe grinned. He bowed to Kris before taking a seat next to her. " I am Koji, " he said, nodding his head a few times like a bobblehead. " I am one of the three main monks of the Tin Tower. You must be Staller-san. Pleased to meet you. "

He extended his hand out for a handshake, which Kris sweatdropped. " Dude, you already bowed. You're either an ancient Japanese monk or a modern American Joe. Make up your damn mind. "

Koji nodded again. " Yes, I should be the...American Joe, yes ? "

-.- " Oh, God, no. "

" No ? "

_" No. "_

" Oh, so I should be Japanese ? "

" Dude....what the f--k ?! Just....act normal ! "

o.o " Koji knows no normal. "

o.O " I can see that......"

* * *

Koji and Kris sat on a dusty mat outside of a sushi shop. The monk grinned as he started to slurp from a bowl of ramen noodles. He wiped his mouth with the sleeve of his robe before continuing, which made the young female sweatdrop in disgust. " I apolgize, Staller-san, for my repulsive manners, but I am just a poor monk with a third grade education. "

Kris continued to sweatdrop. She kicked the edge of the old mat with her foot, sending dust bunnies scattering across the ground. " So....uh, Koji. What exactly did you come running to me wearing only a robe.....? "

The monk cleared his throat. " I was sent by my superiors, Staller-san, to warn you of the inevitable. "

" Really ? You could've done that three months ago when I started out in my journey, y'know. I wouldn't have cared. "

" Yes, but it wasn't in the script, and _THE SCRIPT IS BUDDHA !_ "

-.- " Figures......"

".....Anyway, I was sent by my superiors, Staller-san, to warn you of the inevitable. The legendary gerbil of the North, Suicune-sama, has awakened and is now sitting in her post in the Tin Tower. It is said when she sits openly on the post without frantically fearing pokemon poachers and online predators from MySpace, the protagonist shall come forth and tame her without fear and with a logical reason ~ the script of **POWUH !** "

He pointed to Kris. " And _you_ are the lucky protagonist, Staller-san. "

" Wow. I can't believe my ears, " Kris mumbled sarcastically under her breath. " I'm the frickin' protagonist...."

" Are you excited so much that you have to use a bush ? "

_" NO ! "_

" Oh, well. To continue the script, the protagonist shall come forth and tame her without fear, and there shall be no immediate danger to you and/or your loved ones. "

A fluffy white cloud with a miniature Gold appeared about three inches from Kris's ear, replacing her sweatdrop. " Are you sure, Koji ? "

-nod- " Absolutely sure, Staller-san. "

" So.....I'm supposed to meet up with Suicune and catch her with a flippin' poke ball ? "

" Pretty much. "

Kris nodded slowly. She stood up from the mat and hit Koji in the head with a paper fan that had appeared out of nowhere before glaring at the bald, little man. " Okay. I go now, little weirdo monk of the Tin Tower. I'm kinda tired of being bummed out by being reminded that I'm the forced protagonist. "

" Sure ! "

The female trainer stomped off in another direction, unknowingly about to encounter another monk practically identical (but wearing a dark green robe) to the first.....

....In about ten minutes.

_**" HELLO ! YOU ARE PROTAGONIST STALLER-SAN ! "**_ the identical monk loudly stated, his mouth right next to Kris's ear. _**" I AM GAKU ! THE SECOND MONK OF THE TRIO ! "**_

" Ew, you use sentence fragments, " Kris said, wrinkling her nose. " Do you have a third grade education too ? "

" Fifth grade education, " Gaku corrected in a softer voice._** " I SPEAK LOUDLY BECAUSE I AM SCARED. OF FEMALE SPECIES ! " **_

_" STOP TALKING LIKE THAT ! "_ Kris snapped, hitting Gaku with her imaginary paper fan that had once appeared out of nowhere. " Just get on with the script or get outta my face before I let Steve rip you into pieces and sadistically devour your bones ! "

o.o " 'Oly shizz....."

T.T " Yeah. I'm dead serious - my Togepi is a psycho. "

Gaku whimpered softly before flustering slightly. " All right, Staller-san. We shall discuss of your upcoming encounter with the Gerbil of the North, Suicune-sama. Legend has it that she is a cold and ruthless legendary, freezing countless mailman over the centuries with Sheer Cold. It takes a grand amount of courage to face Suicune directly, and even then you could get severe frostbite if you displease her. "

_" ....Niiiiiice. "_

The monk bowed. " You have great courage, Staller-san. I do believe you'll be ready to face Suicune-sama in two or three decades. "

(.....twitchy.....)

Kris shook her head. " _No_ way. "

" But, Staller-san ! You must wait ! The script says so, although not specifically, and us monks believe in strict construction of the Constituti- uh....I mean, the script...."

" The script's an ass...."

_" HOW DARE YO- UUUUUN ! "_

Gaku fell to the ground, as Kris smacked him in the head with an unknown metal object. He groaned softly. " You....are a formidable adversary....Staller-san..._uuuuuughhh....."_

(...prolonged silence...)

Kris rolled her eyes. " Damn. I think there's one more monk that I have to deal with...."

* * *

The next day Kris finally stopped at the Tin Tower. Like all of the other major buildings in Johto, this building was also unimpressive. There was a pointy, triangular roof, but the building was still incredibly lame.

And a monk standing next to the door, dressed in a dark blue robe, made the tower even lamer.

" Ah, young Staller-san. How friendly it is to meet you. I am Masa, " the monk said, extending his hand out for a handshake. _(Handshake ? Oh, Go- _**_NO ! YOU _SHAKE_ THE HAND !_**_ Ohhh..... ~ random phrase entered for false laughter.....)_

Kris ignored both the hand and the random phrase and merely crossed her arms. " So, what level of education do you have ? " she asked gruffly.

Masa shook his head. " I don't. Nintendo is my master, and it lets me learn nothing. "

"....Wow. "

" Yes. Suicune-sama is in this very pointy-roofed tower. You, Staller-san, are the protagonist. Are you ready to face her ? "

" Yeah. I want to get this done and over with already. "

" Well, you're going to have a_ leeeettle_ change of plans, Miss Staller. "

From the large folds of his robe, Masa took out a gun and aimed it at Kris. He smirked. " I've been a monk for thirty-six damn years. I'm not about to let no girl enter this tower before I capture Suicune-sama and make her fulfill my sinister needs ! "

Kris gasped. " Ew ! You can't do this ! It goes against all the morals and ideals that I learned while spending the first five years of my life in an abandoned arcade ! "

_" YES !_ I shall make you feel suffering and woe and force you to eat macaroni and cheese as you die a bloody death ! "

" You _bastard_ ! "

" _FWAHAHAHA ! NO ONE SHALL STOP ME !_ "

Masa clicked the trigger. Kris jumped two steps back from the psychopathic monk. " Sh-t. I never expected for this to happen, " she thought to herself. " It wouldn't be so bad....but he has a gun. I have to think of somethin- _LAWLS ! I GOT IT !_ "

The trainer pulled out an umbrella from her backpack and pointed it at the monk. He shuddered. " No ! Staller-san - you found my weakness ! Nooooo ! **NOOOOOO !** "

(X.X)

Kris sweatdropped as she kicked the monk's corpse to the side. She reached out for the doorknob. " Lots of issues in the Johto region...."

* * *

_" HWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ! "_

On a post sat Suicune, the majestic beauty of the North, though she didn't seem to act like a beauty. Growling sounds came from deep in her throat, and her red eyes glared furiously at the first object that she made eye contact with, which unfortunately for the object, was Kris.

"....This isn't good....."

**" RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWRRRRRRRRRR ! "**

A powerful Aurora Beam was aimed only two inches away from where Kris stood. The girl's eyes bulged slightly. " That could've been me, " she murmured under her breath. " What idiot thought that the protagonist should capture Suicune with a poke ball ?! "

_(Eh, she could've been captured by a Master Ball later on, but me being a slightly sadistic weirdo with no life, I find it hilarious for you to do this. I'm just awesome like that, Staller.)_

_" Rosonetis ?!! "_

_(Yah. Supposedly my name. You'll never find out, though. ;D)_

_**" GET ME THE HELL OUTTA HERE ! "**_

_(No.)_

_**" WHY NOT ?! "**_

_(It's funny.)_

" You....effin'...._bitch_. "

**AURORA BEAM TO THE WALL !**

(Kris) " o.o "

_(Yeah. I can do that. I'm awesome like that. I am the _lawls_.)_

-poof!-

Suicune took one step forward. Kris's sweatdrop grew colossal as she took one step closer to the wall. " Look, Suicune. It's obvious that we both have issues, but I really don't wanna die like this. I have idiotic morons to pursue and humiliate in public. You....You have Entei and Raikou to deal with every day. I understand who they are - one of them's a jack-ass, and the other is a wannabe emo jack-ass. We're both females, though, so we can communicate well. I'm intelligent, I swear to Arceus. "

All signs of attacking seemed to stop. Suicune tilted her head slightly to the side. " Somehow....you are telling the truth, " the gerbil legendary said through telepathy. " Your name is Kris. "

Kris nodded. " Right. I'm here to tame you....for stupid reaso- "

" Liar ! " Suicune snarled. " I believe no one ! I am here to protect this tower, and I will let no one stand in my way ! "

" Dude....what is your f--king problem ?! "

_" STAY AWAY !_ **RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWR !** "

Aurora Beams were flung left and right, giving Kris little time to dodge. The girl let out a small sigh. " I think she's lost it somehow ! " she thought. " It can't be her fault, though. She's the first intelligent pokemon that I've encountered so fa- "

Suicune shoved Kris into a wall, growling rapidly. Her red eyes turned into slits. " And _you_ shall never see the light of day again, young lady ! "

Sharp claws came out of the gerbil pokemon's paws, showing early signs of death for the protagonist. However, just before Suicune was able to maul Kris with her bare paws, a pink tulip stopped the legendary in her tracks. " Huh ? "

"** HEY !** You're supposed to be the majestic beauty of Johto ! Now, I may be on Sudafed, but I'm not going to let you act like a meanie and kill poor Kris ! She has style with that retro sweater thingie of hers ! As the gym leader of beauty and romance, I, Whitney of Goldenrod City, shall place you under docile fairies ! "

(Kris) " You didn't have to rip on my sweater while I'm almost dead, y'know..."

" Yeah, Whitney, shut your mouth ! " a voice hissed. " As the gym leader of ruthlessness and confidence, I, Jasmine of Olivine City, shall also help my good friend, Kris ! "

By now Suicune had relinquished her grasp of Kris. Jasmine and Whitney were standing on the platform where the pokemon had slept ten minutes eariler. A third female with blue hair, about twenty, stood with them. She held out a staff with a purple orb glued to it. " And as the gym leader of strength and mastering, I, Clair of Blackthorn City, shall make sure that the protagonist will tame the legendary ! "

All three gym leaders held out staffs with purple orbs and pointed them to Suicune. With an 'orby' sound, her eyes suddenly turned calm and warm. " I'm...back to normal, " the pokemon murmured, closing her eyes. " I shall...let Kris capture me...."

**POOF!**

* * *

" Mahogany Town Pokemon Center ? Wow. I'm glad I don't have to go back through Mt. Mortar...but I couldn't even thank them.... "

Kris laid on the bed that the Pokemon Center provided, pondering over what happened over the last several hours. She closed her eyes. " Clair, " the girl mumbled, thinking back to the blue-haired trainer. " She seemed so beautiful....like a princess. Probably has a bitchy attitude, though..."

A poke ball was by her side. The trainer picked it up and held it cautiously. " Suicune....Eusine'll be _soooo_ pissed. Hehehe....-sigh-. Next stop is Blackthorn City. Hopefully Gold won't get in my way. He probably will, though. "

" It's the same way with Raikou....."

_**THUMP !**_

And as the sun finally set on the second day, Kris was left with a single injury to the head.

End


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18 : Boredom, Lasagna, and Clair

_So...I'm evil. I made Kris formulate a plan to take advantage of puberty, _and _I did a cliffhanger. (Well, the cliffhanger part was so I could think of what to do with Gym Leader Number Eight ~a.k.a. Clair~.) We shall see....._

* * *

" I can't believe global warming hit the Ice Path. I hope never to encounter such chilly water ever again. "

Kris hugged her jacket closer to her chest as she stumbled out of the Ice Path with slight numbness to the legs. Outside of the cave that was filled with melted ice, Blackthorn City seemed to be more modern than most of the other cities in the region, having an established post office with actual mailboxes. The restaurants were not plagued with flammable milk cartons. Cottages were aligned in a row, with only moderate debris in their yards. Even the sky wasn't its usual sickly gray that made a person want to upchuck all over themselves.

However, Blackthorn City did seem different, and not in a good way. Entertainment seemed to have flown the coop, as the streets were silent besides the droning of the evil rap music. Kris noticed this, taking a seat on a bench after several minutes of looking for any sign of something that would kill a kid's noggin.

She rolled her eyes, sighing out of exasperation. " A decent city and no entertainment. Why does there have to be a flippin' catch to everything ?! " she murmured to herself, kicking one of the bench legs.

Taking the stupid-looking backpack off of her back, Kris started to rummage through the pack. Miscellaneous things started to fly into different directions - a coupon to Arby's, several Weird Al CDs, bits and pieces of Steve's shell, a jar of Miracle Whi-

i.i A jar of Miracle Whip ?!

_" DAMN YOU, GOLD ! "_

Kris turned a slight shade of red as she tossed the Miracle Whip at a fading billboard. Misty popped out of her pokeball, wiggling one of her branches out of confusion. " Sudo ? "

-sigh- " I'm trying to see if there's anything fun in my pack. "

" Su ? "

-.- " What do you expect ? Let's face it - I have no time for fun. "

" Suuuu. "

" Yeah, it'd be absolutely _awesome_ to revive one of the evil Eevee and turn them into mashed potatoes, but I think most people frown upon that. Too many whisks involved. People don't like whisks. I dunno why...."

-poof into pokeball!-

i.i " Guess trees like whisks....I'm bored. "

Kris shook her head out of despair, taking out something grayish in color. " Hn. I didn't know I still had the Pokedex. Useless piece of garbage. " She examined it for one or two seconds before shrugging. " I suppose I can test it to see if it makes good firework. Probably not. "

~*several minutes later*~

" Booooooored......nuuuuuuddddss....."

The protagonist rolled off of the bench and groaned loudly. She placed her hands on her head. " This sucks. I feel like I'm wasting away tossed into the wind. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, pot roast to pot roast. "

Suddenly the Pokegear started to ring. Kris answered it. " Nobody's home. "

_" I'M HOME ! "_

-.- " Of course you are. What do you want, Elm ? "

There was a slight wheezing sound on the other end of the phone. Professor Elm started to cackle. " Nothing. I forgot about the egg. An' then, I was listening to the parodies by that hippie guy, an' I remember that you owed me a pizza. Just thinking of all those shriveled anchovies gives me the goosebumps. Yum. "

" Right. You've given me a reminder on why I hate you. "

" Yay ! Soooo....whatcha doin' ? "

-sniffle- " Nothing. "

-gasp!- " Not the great Staller ! Boredom has finally succumbed you ? Wow. You shall be shamed ! "

" Like I need to hear this b.s. from you. _I ALREADY KNOW ! _"

" Hehehehe....I cackle at your insolence ! "

-click!-

Kris threw the Pokegear in the backpack and sat up, looking frustrated. Rain started to pour down upon her nose in an orderly fashion. She mumbled something under her breath before hugging her jacket closer to her. " Boredom sucks. "

* * *

(Lasagna)

" Ooh, noodly goodness. "

Kris stabbed a fork into a plate of lasagna. Tomato sauce squeezed out of the pasta dish. " At least Blackthorn has exquisite dishes. I don't think anybody in New Bark could ever make a decent dinner. "

" Wow, and I thought Elm was just a scrawny crackpot. Now he's a scrawny crackpot who can't even make macaroni and cheese. And you - if you say that nobody in that little town filled with potholes can make dinner, then you really are pathetic, which means I win. Nyah. "

Silver took a seat in the chair opposite of Kris, who turned a bright scarlet. " Sharona ! " she hissed. " Why the hell are you always in provoking distance ?! "

_" YOU KNOW MY NAME IS NOT SHARONA ! "_ Silver snapped back, pounding his fist on the table. " It's Silver ! "

" Could've fooled me. Your hair's long and red and hippie-like. Why _shouldn't_ you be Sharona ? "

_**" SHUDDUP ! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ANYWAY ?! "**_

T.T " Gym battle. How could there be any other reason why an eleven-year-old is traveling by herself ?! I guess you really are a genius. "

" Hmph. Well, at least _I_ don't spend all of my time sitting around and eating lasagna ! _I_ sit around and do nothing ! "

**NOODLE'D!**

Silver fell to the floor as Kris thrusted a giant noodle that appeared out of nowhere upon his head. His eyes turned swirly for several seconds before he groaned weakly. " Damn....you. "

" Uh-huh. Feel the power of the noodle, " Kris murmured, finally biting into a piece of lasagna. She rolled her eyes and shook her head at the squriming red-headed boy who was angrily hitting the pavement with his fists. " You know, you really shouldn't be carrying shuriken at your age. People tend to mix up people who only tend to have mindless and brutal revenge on their minds, and people who want to do something else. Suicide, though a seven-letter word, is a very serious word. Suicide hotlines, counseling....Barney. You don't want to deceive the overly-protective....though....to be honest, I don't know what your mind thinks. For all I know....."

She trailed off, leaving Silver standing up straight as a bullet, furrowing his eyebrows in exasperation. " I don't think that way, " he growled, eyes glaring at Kris with fury. " Maybe that weirdo Caramel does, but not me ! I'm supposed to avenge myself and bring down all of those retarded crime syndicates that are really only interested in stealing Goldfish crackers ! Besides, now I have an object to feel jealousy upon whenever she's with some fuzzbag. "

_(Oh....my....nausea. He's finally thinking perversion. Sh-t. Now I have Falkner, Gold, *and* this dumb-ass trying to annoy me to the point where I just show them my...uh....nachoes and get it done and over with. Yet....the noodle shall always be with me. After all, I'm the frickin' protagonist....I can have whatever weapon I desire....except a Wii Remote. Ah, gee, that would be awesome. That would be even more awesome than the time I captured all of the lame, regular pokemon for lame, pokedex reaso-_

_i.i No, wait. I did that even before I was dragged into the field of training. Dammit. Why does Nintendo torture me so with its catchy tunes and craptacular graphics from nine years ago ?! Ugh. Oh, well. What's-his-name is gawking at me like I've discovered an unattatched leg or somethin'. I better just smile and nod and try to make him shut the f--k up before I throw him in a volcano. :3 )_

Kris, snapping back from her logical thoughts, looked at Silver, sighed, and flung squirted tomato sauce at him. Clapping her hands together, the girl suddenly had a business-like feeling as she gave a serious face. " All right then, Silver. Deal. "

Silver sweatdropped. " Deal ? We didn't make a dea- "

_" OF COURSE WE DID ! "_ Kris said loudly, lightly touching Silver's forearm with the prongs of her fork. She rubbed the prongs up and down his arm, causing Silver to sweat. " Silver, sweetie, " she started in a sickly (although undetectable), sweet tone. " We should know by now that we're both very, very serious people. It's veeery obvious, isn't it, Silver-poo ? "

She batted her eyes, eyelashes sparkling in deceptive awe and admiration. The fork prongs still creeped up and down the boy's arm like a voracious spider. Silver quickly shut his eyes, trying to avoid the sensitive feelings inside of him, but to deny the evil concept called hormones was inevitable. " Y-Yes, " he managed to choke, almost fainting when Kris gently pulled on his shirt collar.

" Good. You're intelligent to comprehend that. " The girl leaned closer to where Silver was sitting, smiling, as she practically breathed on his neck and made him shiver. So, you're jealous over all of those meanies who try to glomp me, eh, Silver, sweetie, darling ? "

" Yes ! " he squeaked, now tugging on his collar in a mixture of dismay and lust.

" Mm-hmm. Sooo, my little weasel, we have a deal. "

By now Silver was quivering violently against all of his morals and snappish taunting methods. He bit his lower lip hard, so hard that the lip started to bleed. Cheeks turned pallid, and even the dainty feet within his heavy boots started to tingle. " W-What de-eal, though ? " he stammered, still confused over the statement.

Kris giggled. " I'll kiss you, " she replied in her feigned tone. " You feel jealousy 'cause you wanna hold and squeeze me like a ragamuffin teddy bear. You wanna press against me on a tree and kiss me all over. Admit it, Silver - you feel for me. "

" Y-e-e-e-s-s......"

^.^ " All righty, then. So I've explained the deal. All you need to do is close your eyes and lean forward, m'kay ? "

" Uh-huh......"

He closed his eyes and leaned forward as he was told. Two minutes passed by before Kris dropped her fork and picked up the dish of lasagna. The sweet smile turned into a dark, vicious grin as Kris walked up in front of Silver. " Okay, Silver, sweetie, are you ready ? "

" Yep. "

" All righty, then. "

_**SMASH !**_

Lasagna was smashed into Silver's face, smearing noodles and tomato sauce all over his face, and making Silver turn a dark scarlet. " H-H-H........"

_**" FAREWELL, SHARONA ! THE LASAGNA LOOKS SPLENDID ON YOU ! "**_ Kris cackled. _**" BWAHAHAHAHA ! "**_

-poof!-

Silver slumped to the ground, hugging the pavement close to him as he shut his eyes tightly. This would begin the next two hours of sobbing violently and crouched into the fetal position.....

.....along with profane run-on sentences.

* * *

(Clair)

Kris walked up and down the sidewalk, streaking the concrete with scratches from a stick. A hand was placed on her forehead. " Damn. I've been looking for Clair all day. Where the hell could she be ? "

" Right here, Kris, dear. "

" Huh ? "

A woman with fluffy blue hair and soft blue eyes leapt from a tree onto the ground. She grinned at Kris, drawing out her hand in a formal gesture. " It's nice to finally meet you handshake to handshake, " the woman said, shaking Kris's hand gently. " My name is Clair, and you must be Miss Staller. Hello. "

" Um....hello. "

Kris stared at Clair, attempting for once to look at the details of the woman. The gym leader was wearing a collared black t-shirt and black shorts that cut off around the thigh. Navy blue socks covered her legs from the ankle to the knee, and a long, scarlet cape draped along her back with style. The fluffy blue hair was tied into a peculiar ponytail in a way that would focus eyes towards Clair's narrow face and particularly her eyes.

All Kris could do was cough in order to stop gawking. She grinned. " Uh, nice to meet you, too, Clair. "

Clair smiled. " Well, now that we have the greetings place aside, why don't you come over to my place for a cup of tea ? A nice, relaxing tea date, hmmm ? "

" Uh, sure ?....."

" Good. Let's go. "

A few minutes and ankle sores later, the two females reached Clair's place. It was a small, wide house with a pointed roof. Hedges that were formed to look like Dragonair complimented the door, which was metal with a silver knocker attached to it. Kris sweatdropped, but attempted a half-hearted smile. " I like your door..... "

" Thank you. Let's go inside. "

Inside was one wall that was covered up in a giant poster of Lance. The face of Lance was covered with darts, along with his hands, legs, neck, and private areas.

A tapestry decorated with miniature Dragonite around the edges was boldly hung on another wall.

The rest of the house's walls were plain, shown off by mauve-colored paint. A glass table was set in the middle of the room with small, gray cushions around it. Clair walked over to the table and grinned. " Shall we sit, Miss Staller ? "

" Okay. "

Kris slowly walked over to the table and reluctantly sat on one of the cushions. A flowery teacup with something clearish-green in it was handed to her. Clair took a seat next to the young protagonist and cracked her knuckles. " Now, " she said in a serious tone. " Let's have a pleasant conversation....."

End


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19 : Conversation, Battle, and Dragon's Den

_'Ello. I must be honest. I loved writing this chapter, especially the man who lives in the shrine. I can't believe in another chapter I'm goin' into the big 2-0. Hee-hee, it's amazing. :3_

_I don't have a lot to say in this chapter. I'm evil. Next chapter's probably going to be filler on purpose. Nyah. ^.^ _

* * *

" Now, let's have a pleasant conversation. "

Clair gently placed her teacup on the glass table and looked at Kris with a serious expression. " Miss Staller, as you may have heard, the Elite Four in Kanto has been disbanded. Three years ago, Team Rocket destroyed pretty much anything sentimental, but there was another problem in the Kanto region. Led by Agatha, the Elite Four became a two-word devastation. Corruption, extortion, trafficking, rip-off musicals..... they had an even bigger problem. He claims he has gone straight, but over these three years I've had suspicions over him. "

The gym leader sighed. " Over the past three years, the media hasn't heard much from the Elite Four. Agatha's locked up in prison, Bruno is part of the Elite Four here in Johto, and Lorelei has retired in a cozy little condo on the inhabited island of Seafoam. Just your typical ex-madmen. However, our little mastermind has continued to pursue shady activities. He's grown in height, has become an idol for females, and has adapted a style in trendy capes. You know who I'm referring to, Kris ? "

Kris gasped. " Lance. That son of a spoiled potato salad. "

" Yes, the son of a spoiled potato salad is the son of a spoiled potato salad who I do not trust, " Clair said, eyes turning into slits. " I may be his cousin, but I'm also an agent for the Gym Leaders Of Wisdom, Intelligence, and Noble Guidance. GLOWING, for short. This organization is strictly for the good-natured and sane leaders. We have three gym leaders in Johto who are part of GLOWING - Falkner, Jasmine, and myself. "

i.i " What about Whitney ? "

-.- " Whitney's pending. We're still looking into her Sudafed fetish. " Clair rolled her eyes, taking a sip from her teacup. " Anyway, Lance Deveaux must not be taken as a pushover. He's done a lot over these years. I mean, his main goal was to exterminate the human race. And now, he's trying to act sweet and innocent....but it just doesn't look right for him. " She gave a quick glance at Kris before sipping out of her teacup again. Don't be overwhelmed, though, Miss Staller. It's just a precaution. "

" M'kay. "

The two ladies sat in silence for several minutes as they drank out of their flowery teacups. Clair quietly stroked one of the table's edges with the tips of her fingers. Kris thought about everything that was told to her about Lance. It made sense, actually. Caped men are usually deceiving goblins. Why should the red-haired one be trusted ? And especially one who hated graham crackers ?

" So, Clair....do you have any hobbies besides training and being an agent ? " Kris asked, quietly sweatdropping.

Clair nodded. She took out a leather wallet from one of her short's pockets and grabbed a photo from the wallet's mouth. It was a picture of Lance. " My detestful hatred, " she murmured icily. " Late at night I loathe him to the point of weariness. We used to be friendly cousins, but the bond is broken.....though....he doesn't _exactly_ know about it. Have to be a _secret agent_ somehow. "

" O-Okay, then......"

" Wait a second, Miss Staller, don't stutter so. I have...other hobbies. " Another photo was yanked out of the wallet, this time of a Dratini. " I'm a full-fledged supporter of the Dragons For Joo. It's one of those organizations that raise money for giving the Dratini a suitable environment. The Safari Zone in Kanto hasn't been the same since the Warden decided to mow the zone's lawns by himself with his own lawnmower. Arceus help those poor Oddish. (*sigh*) And he was thinking of sanitizing the water. That's why DF Joo helps the Dratini. I figure we have six weeks. " Clair placed a finger to her chin. " There's also that organization with the exploding meatloaf....."

" Exploding...meatloaf ? "

" Yes. Schploden Meatloph. Maybe not the best cause, but I love the spelling of the name. Such relaxing syllables on the tongue. "

" Mm...-hm. "

T_T " I suppose we shouldn't chatter all day. I'll remember to give you the card to Schploden Meatloph's website sometime so that you don't think it's some kind of heavy metal band. Shall we go into battle ? "

" Yes, ma'am. "

Clair stood up from the gray cushion that she was sitting on. She gestured to the gym that was about five steps away from the house. " All right, then, Miss Staller. Let's go forth. "

* * *

(Battle)

_" 'SUP, CHAMP IN MAKIN' ! "_

It was a screechy voice that nobody thought they would hear again in the fanfiction universe. The noob of an advice guy was leaning from one of the dragon statues inside of the gym. Kris groaned loudly. " Ohhh, I thought you died in a violent cliff accident ! " she cried, kicking the statue. " My dreams have been shot ! "

" Yes, they have, " Advice Guy said, oblivious to Kris's whining tone. " It's been a long and difficult journey, but we are almost done ! "

T.T " What the _hell_ do you mean _we _? It's a two-letter word, and the word 'noob' doesn't count as a synonym. "

-.- " Hmph. Don't count on me, then. Clair uses lizard pokemon. They're supposed to be undamagable to a lot of things. They're supposed to be weak to ice-type pokemon, but I'll keep my secrets to myself 'cause you're such a meani- hey ! What's that in your hand ?! "

Kris shrugged. " Script. "

" -W.t.f's a script ?! "

" Something to follow. "

o.o " Like a duck ? "

" *groans* "

" I like gerses. "

" _.....What ?!!_ "

" Duck, duck, goose ! "

".......I won't even bother. "

~*few minutes later....*~

As Kris approached the back of the Blackthorn Gym, Clair stood up from a pile of gray cushions similar in design to the ones in her living room. The gym leader extended a gloved hand in greeting. " Miss Staller, it took you a while to step onto my platform. "

V^V " Well....that advice guy's a pain in the ass sometimes. "

" I suppose so. Let me give you the formal introduction as traditional to the gym leader's code. I am Clair. I'm one of the world's best dragon masters. I can hold my own against even the Pokemon League's Elite Four. Do you still want to challenge me ? "

Kris nodded. Clair grinned. " Fine, then. As the gym leader of Blackthorn City, I will defend my honor and use my full power against my opponent ! "

Clair : My darling Twits, come out for me !  
(Dratini pops out.)

Kris : Go, Bob !  
(Bob pops out)  
Bob : Chik-chika. (This ain't the Wheely o' Fortune)  
Kris : _**OF COURSE IT ISN'T WHEEL OF FORTUNE ! GET OUT AND FIGHT !**_  
Bob : Merp.

Kris : (T_T)  
Clair : i.i Twits, use Dragonbreath !

(Twits uses Dragonbreath ; Bob loses 1/4 HP !)

Bob : Merp-merp. Merp.

_**(SHOE IS THROWN AT BOB ! QUADRATIC FORMULA IS THRUSTED UPON AT BOB ! PLAYER MUST SWITCH POKEMON OR RISK ALGEBRAIC FOUL !)**_

Kris : Damn....I should've known that wouldn't work. Lessgo, Brock !

(Brock pops out. _***FIRST-TIME GYM BATTLE ! GYM LEADER'S POKEMON LOSES 1/2 HP !*)**_

Clair : Oh, no ! Twits, we must succeed and taste victory ! Use Dragon Rage !  
(Twits uses Dragon Rage ; Brock loses 2/5 HP )  
Brock : **RAAAAAAAAAAAAAWR **!

Kris : Hy...per....Beam.  
(Brock violently uses Hyper Beam ; Twits faints !....)

And debris fell everywhere, deeming the gym unsuitable to battle.

Kris sweatdropped at the ill-tempered Gyarados and slapped a hand to her forehead. " Brock, I can't tell whether you're enthusiastic or enraged. It's probably a mixture of both. Even so, you need to work on your social abilities. "

**" RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWRRRRRRR ! "**

-.- " Return. "

-poof!-

Clair quietly returned her Dratini back into his pokemon before sighing and turning to Kris. She eyed the younger trainer before crossing her arms. " I lost ? I honestly don't believe it. There must be some mistake. Is your Gyarados sterile ? "

"....I don't _think_ so....."

The gym leader shook her head and softly chuckled. " I'm not going to admit defeat. I may have lost, but there's no way in Arceus's green fields that you're ready for the Pokemon League. I know. I have experience. "

" .....I thought you said you're one of the best dragon masters ! "

" Yes. I did. You're not ready. "

" Hey, don't tell me what I'm ready and not ready for ! I'm the frickin' protagonist ! "

" Well, if you want to prove you're ready, you should take the dragon user challenge. As you know, behind this gym is a place called Dragon's Den. "

" Uh-huh....."

" There is a small shrine at its center. Go there. If you can prove that you're not a lazy moron, I shall give you a badge. "

" . . . . "

Clair smirked. " What's the matter ? Too large of an expectation ? "

-.- " I....hate....Johto. "

* * *

(Dragon's Den)

_" Sit back now _

_Let me tell you a tale _

_Where justice does not prevail_

_About an ill-fated life_

_So very full of strife _

_Where two wrongs do not make a right......"_

" Merp ? "

Kris grimaced at Bob, who was walking beside her. The Chikorita was in a daze and had been spouting out gibberish ever since he was pulled away from Wheel of Fortune earlier. Mainly 'merp'. Needless to say, the protagonist ignored any gibbering and decided to just answer the question. " Such Horrible Things is the name of the song. "

" Merp ? "

" It's by Creature Feature. I'd think that you would know the band....."

" Merp. "

_" NO ! NO CHEETOES ! "_

Bob went back into his pokeball, slightly depressed on not being given puffy orange things called Cheetoes. Kris, abandoned by all of her pokemon in encouragement and spirit, silently (and rather reluctantly) trudged through the gravel path of Dragon's Den. Primarily designed for dragon pokemon, the den has become one of the leading places of Dratini habitat. At the same time, the den's population of Magikarp is ten times more than that of the Dratini population. (Typical.)

Shuffle....shuffle....shuffle.....

i.i " Old man ? "

**_" HOWDY, DANDY, YOU'VE REACHED THE SHRINE ! SPLIPPIN' TARNATION, TWA'RT BEEN A WHILE SINCE I BEEN A' VISITED ! "_**

An old man with a receding hairline gripped Kris's shoulders and proceeded to hug her tightly. The girl gasped softly. " P....lease....let....m-....go ! "

" Mmmm-kay. " The man let go of Kris. " I'm shposin' that Clairy sent yer here. She sure is one helluva handful, twa'rt the truth. Woo-hoo, twa'rt the truth, hehehe. Mmm-hm. Shposin' I have to test yer. There ain't nuttin' to worry 'bout, though, twa'rt the truth. Just a few simple Q&A's, like a yellowbelly pie on a hot swelterin' day. Yep, like a yellowbelly pie on a hot swelterin' day, twa'rt the truth. "

*blink* " Okay, then, I'll just pretend that I understood you and answer the questions. "

" Hell, yeah, lesss get a' started ! Number One Q : What 're pokemon to yer ? Pal, Underling-o, 'r Friend ? "

-.- " It's too painful to call any of _my_ pokemon a friend. Pal. "

The old man nodded. " Mmmm-kay. What helps yer to win battles ? Stratego m Raising, 'r Connin' ? "

" ....Raising....I guess...."

" _MMM-KAY, I UNDERSTAND ! LESSSS SKIP THE Q&A'S ! SURE IS A SMART GIRLIE !_ Yer care a' deeply fer teh pokemon ! Very good ! That statement is what's important. LADY ! Don't lose that belief, yer hear ? It'll see yer through at the League o' Pokemon, twa'rt the turth ! "

o.o " Don't you mean 'truth' ? "

_**" I'S AN ELDER AND I'S DEMANDIN' TO BE RESPECTERED ! "**_

" Okay, then....."

Suddenly, Clair entered the shrine. She looked at the old man, and then at Kris. " How'd it go, Miss Staller ? I guess there is no point in asking. You failed, didn't you ? "

" Uh, I'm pretty sure I passed. "

" (...........) "

Clair suddenly turned her glance back at the old man. She backed up a few steps. " She passed ? You have to be lying ! I'm not even approved ! "

_(You're not ? GTFO, then.)_

_**" SHUT UP ! I DON'T NEED TO BE RIDICULED BY SOME EVIL FANFIC WRITER ! "**_

_(Oh. I guess I have an excuse to use my zapper now. You're first on the list. Yellowbelly.)_

" Hmph. "

The old man started to cackle. Clair sighed as she walked up to Kris and handed her a badge. " This is the RisingBadge. It'll enable your pokemon to use the move for climbing waterfalls. Sorta like Spiderman, but in a lamer way. It'll also make all of your pokemon recognize you as a trainer. "

_" KRIS RECEIVES RISINGBADGE ! "_ the annoying voice from nowhere loudly boomed.

-___- " Oh, and take this as my apology. *hands TM 24* This is DragonBreath. It makes dragon-type pokemon breathe dragon stuff. "

Clair sighed. " It's been a pleasure battling you, Miss Staller. I wish you well on challenging the Pokemon League, which is east of the town of New Bark. The route there is very tedious, but you better not lose, or I'll feel the need to cry and start regretting saving you from the gerbil. And now....I must depart. "

*poof!*

The old man stopped cackling for a few seconds before thrusting a slimy Dratini into Kris's hands. " That 'dere is a Dratini. Yer may have six pokemon, but seven's not a crowd ; just frowned urpon. Dragon pokemon 're symbolic o' our clan. Yer've show that yer a good trainer and should be entitled to one. And now...I must go bye-bye, too. "

*poof down yonder!*

Kris sweatdropped as she slowly exited Dragon's Den. As soon as she stepped out of the cave, the PokeGear declared one new message :

_(Professor Elm : Hey, what's-your-name, I have somthin....oops, misspelled 'something'....probably should change that....screw it, I'm too important to edit things. Uhhh....what was I going to say ? Oh yeah. Oops. Forgot to add the comma. F--K ! Oh, well. GET TO MY LAB BEFORE I KILL....A PIE ! See ya later ! :3)_

The protagonist sighed. " Well, off to homeland. "

And so Kris started her way towards New Bark Town, silently thinking of all the things that should happen to Elm.....

End


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20 : Filler

_Filler. Crappy, but filler. ^^_

* * *

" I'm afraid that the PKC Abridged has been cancelled ! "

Tomatoes started to be thrown in all directions, though not one of the squishy fruits managed to hit the voice in the head. The voice cackled menacingly. " Hehe...I'm just kidding ! "

Gold stepped out of the shadows, where immediately a tomato was thrown directly into his face. He grumbled under his breath, wiping red stuff off of his nose. Another tomato folllowed, which, unfortunately the boy managed to dodge. " Hey, where the hell are these tomatoes coming from ?! " he demanded. " I'm not a bullseye target, y'kno- "

**TOMATO'D !**

" ^&#(*O##_&$(*^$)P ! MOTHER^()() SON *)......"

*~technical difficulties ; please stand by~*

* * *

Several minutes later, Gold reappeared from the shadows, visibly angered. He readjusted the goggles on his head so that they wouldn't fall off. " Let's start this again, " he growled. A smile suddenly poofed onto his face, much like the ones you see on a game show host. " I'm Gold Caramel, and this is the twentieth chapter of PKC Abridged, which has _not_ been cancelled. Unfortunately for the viewers, however, Kris has taken the day off. Even so, it doesn't mean that the show can't go on, am I right, peeps ? "

Scattered applause came from nowhere, and another tomato hit Gold. The boy shook his fist at the nearest camera. " Dammit, who is _doing_ that to me ?! I said the show hasn't been cancelled, dumb-asses ! "

Silver came from another shadow, smirking and holding a tomato. Gold's jaw dropped. " Smokey ! Who said that you were invited ?! "

DX _**" . . . . THAT'S IT, MOTHER[beep]er ! I'M KICKING YOUR [beep]ING ASS ALL THE WAY TO THE [BEEP]ing PAVEMENT ! $&*(#&)$($&!) !! "**_

Gold crossed his arms, beckoning the red_**-**_headed boy to come forth with a gloved hand. Silver did so, plunging into both Gold and one of the cameras.

_Schhhh....schzzz...schhhhhhhhh....SCHHHHHHH......._

*~technical difficulties ; please stand by~*

* * *

(Ten minutes later.....)

_" I'LL [BEEEEP] KILL YOU ! "_

_" NUH-UH ! _I'LL_ KILL _YOU _! "_

[SCHHHHHHH.....SCHHHHHHHHHHH.......-and by]

* * *

Another ten minutes later, Gold and Silver were sitting on a couch, glaring at each other. Green, who was sitting in a chair, waved at a camera, grinning. " Hello, yet again, to Chapter Number Twenty ! My name is Green, and I am one of the co-hosts for today ! No more technical difficulties, that's for sure ! "

(Gold) " Bitch. "

" . . . . _WHO'RE YOU CALLING A BITCH ?!! "_ Green roared, picking Gold up by the shirt collar and throwing him into a random garbage can. " Dave. "

" Uhhh......"

**" DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE ! "**

*~technical difficulties ; please stand by~*

* * *

After a very long time of yelling and fighting, Gold, Silver, and Green sat outside the city limits and into the woods, on a log. All three of the trainers were exhausted, especially Green, who did the most physical damage. She kicked a couple of pebbles away from the log and sighed. " This sucks, " she mumbled, scooping up a twig and flicking it at Gold. " I wish Kris didn't have the day off. You guys are _horrible _buddies. What made me think that you could replace the best buddy I ever had ?! You can't even hold a candle to Kris ! "

" Excuse me, I don't associate with ladies who deny me their lips, " Gold said dryly. " I'm not a one-chick man. I need some lovin'. "

" Um, last time I checked, eleven-year-olds don't act like perverts ! " Green retorted haughtily.

" Well, come on, little girl, an- "

_" I'M FOUR YEARS OLDER THAN YOU ! "_

i.i " You don't have to be so mean about it...."

Silver rolled his eyes and groaned. " Give it a rest, Gold. You keep agitating Green, she'll kill us all, and I will solely blame you. "

Gold scoffed. " Like I'm worried about death. I really don't care if you do or die, Skeleton. Just stay outta my way when I'm scoring with the ladies ! "

" D-You didn't even score with Green ! "

" So ? She's old news. "

Green glared daggers at Gold. The boy sweatdropped. " So, guys and gals, whadda we do now ? There's really nothing to do in this region, except hit for an all-you-can-eat buffet, but I think they closed it down due to maggots. "

" Hello. "

Everyone turned around to see a girl with a giant hat and wearing overalls over a red long-sleeved shirt, long white socks, and red shoes. Holding a giant purse over her left arm, she flicked a strand of light brown hair away from her face and grinned. " Howdy, everybody. The name's Soul Skippington, " she greeted, taking Gold's hand into her own and shaking it violently. " I'm ten years old, and I just moved into New Bark Town a few months ago ! My mum told me to make some friends, though, so here I am ! "

Gold looked at his shaken hand, mortified. He then looked into Soul's eyes and immediately glared at the girl. " Who the _hell_ do you think you are ?! " he demanded, pushing her away from him.

Everyone else sweatdropped. Soul giggled. " The replacement, of course ! "

"....Replacement for _whom_ ? "

Soul took out an index card from her purse and read its words. " I'm here to replace Miss Kris Staller as the protagonist for the games, " she stated testily.

Silver suddenly pushed his way in front of Gold and crossed his arms. " So, let me get this straight, lady, " he growled, looking straight at the grinning girl. " You're trying to barge into our lives and just....replace Staller and become our friend ? "

^-^ " I'll be the friendliest friend you'll ever need ! "

" Uh-huh. Yeah....it ain't gonna fly, honey. "

Soul's grin fell off her face and into a puddle of boiling fury. She crossed her own arms. " What did you just say ? " she asked in a strained tone of voice.

Green flashed a sinister grin of her own. " You heard him, bitch. "

_**" YOU SON OF A- "**_

* * *

(Next day.....)

i.i " So...._what_ happened when I was okay ? "

Kris sweatdropped as she held her PokeGear. Green smirked through the other side of the phone. " Oh, nothing, Kris, honey. Where are you heading ? "

-sigh- " New Bark. I have to go back there in order to get to the waterfall thingie. "

" Oh, well, be careful of pitchforks. "

" What ? "

" Um....nothing. I have to go. Bye, Kris ! "

-click!-

Kris's sweatdrop grew bigger. " She needs to lay off the caffeine....."

* * *

(Meanwhile.....)

_**" LEMME OUT ! LEMME OUUUUUUUT ! "**_

Green glanced at Soul, who was tied to a water pipe, and tutted. " Nope. "

And with that, the elder left a filler-induced plotline to go along with the story of the Kris.

End


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21 : New Bark, Tohjo Falls, and Victory Road

_i.i Okay, so I can't lie to the viewers : I think this chapter _sucks. _I haven't had as much inspiration for my fanfics lately. Axy's been bored out of her mind during summer vacation. SOMEBODY HIT ME ! XD_

* * *

In a matter of minutes, Kris was back in old territory. It turned out that ledges are made for jumping down, and even though a person could get seriously injured if done incorrectly, the leaders of Johto decided it was a suitable path for traveling. Somehow, however, a person could not jump _up_ the ledges, which proved extremely inconvenient if a person dropped something along the route. Somehow, that's life for you.

She walked through the thick grasses and finally reached paved concrete and loose gravel. The wooden sign with 'New Bark Town' scribbled across it sluggishly greeted her as she took her first steps back into her hometown. Very reluctantly, the girl sauntered over to Professor Elm's laboratory for whatever reason he called her several minutes ago. An index finger shakily pressed the rusty doorbell before the door creakily swung open.

The inside of the lab was dark except for a few dimly-lit candles. Professor Elm was sitting cross-legged on a couple of flat pillows with his eyes closed. Kris angrily closed her eyes at the sight of the light-headed man and crossed her arms. " Hey, Professor, if you're going to demand on the phone, the least you can do is stop acting like a stiff-jointed moro- "

" Shushy, Kris. "

A bony hand gripped onto her left shoulder. She turned around to find the disoriented assistant, Greg breathing closely to her ear. He placed a finger to his lips, tawny eyes looking a bit too paranoid. " Shushy, Kris, " he repeated in a low tone as his eyes kept glancing to the silent professor. " Elm's in a state of meditating that's between consciousness and semi-consciousness. "

" He meditates ? "

" Yes. This meditating is equal to him sleeping upside-down in the broom closet. So many times I've screwed up by making an inappropriate or loud noise. Today is the day, though, Kris. I have a rusty razor blade in the folds of my assistant lab coat that I've been wanting to use for fifteen years. A simple knick just below his Adam's apple should do it. It'll be clean and not incriminating, and we'll finally be rid of that pompous, arrogant, stupid son of a bit- "

" Ah, Greg, I see you're trying to attempt a plot to kill me again. As usual, it'll fail, though, as Nintendo has reincarnated me in the updated games. Hehehe..."

Greg practically jumped out of his shoes as Professor Elm smiled crookedly upon him. Scurrying like a Rattata to the other side of the lab, the bony assistant left Kris with the semi-evil professor. She lowered her head in morbid greeting. " I see you're not dead, " she muttered.

" I see you're not incarcerated, " Elm retorted, switching on the light switch. " It's very pleasant to see you again, Kris. Did you get my message ? "

" Why else would I come _here_ ? "

Elm huffed. " Hmph. All I wanted you to do was to congratulate you. Thanks to you, my research is going fantastical ! "

" What research ? "

" Shut up. Anyway, I want you to take this as a token of my appreciation. Take it or die. "

He handed her a purple and white object and grinned rather malevolently. " This is a prize of beauty, " he breathed, snorting the air rather loudly. " It's the best of its kind - the Master Ball. The ultimate ball and ten times better than the Ultra Ball, the Master Ball can catch any pokemon without fail. You can't find this beauty in stores, Kris. It's only given to recognized pokemon researchers, and I managed to nab one off of Professor Rowan in Sinnoh after sitting in his chrysanthemums for a week. I need to get rid of the evidence, though, so I'm giving it to you. "

Kris sweatdropped. " You _sure_ you didn't do a heist and steal it from a museum, Elm ? "

" Nah, I can't afford heists. I suppose you may want to leave now, but if not, we could always have a tea party with the funny party hats. "

-poof!-

" .......DAMMIT ! " Elm turned to Greg, who was visibly shaking. The elder smiled crookedly again. " Gregory, it is time for my arithmetic lesson. Get the sponge and hose ready. "

_**" NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ! "**_

* * *

(Tohjo Falls)

After arguing with the guy that greeted everyone who came into Kanto from New Bark, Kris looked at the two giant waterfalls, dubbed Tohjo Falls by locals, that was in the miniature cave. It was rumored that a person could get into Kanto nature-style only by rushing up the entrance waterfall, and zooming down the exit waterfall. A lot of people laughed at the rumor. Some of them even threw rocks at the Kantonian greeter.

Unfortunately, that rumor was proven to be correct : either use the waterfalls, or cough up some money to use the train.

Kris stared at the waterfalls, wide-eyed. Suicune stood beside her, examining a pebble that seemed to be out of place. The pokemon swatted the small rock into the water before turning to her trainer. " You seemed to be dismayed. "

" I _am_ dismayed, Kuuni. What idiot places two waterfalls in the middle of nowhere ? "

" Nature, young trainer. Patience is a moral to learn. "

" .......Am I being insulted by my own pokemon ? "

" Yesss.....I apologize on your behalf. "

The trainer sighed rather wearily. " 'Kay. I was just thinking, Kuuni, and I was wondering if you had the power to get up and down on a waterfall, um....Waterfall. "

" I do, but there is a little boy with a pair of goggles on top of his head that is standing behind you. Perhaps you should settle that matter first before you ask me of my abilities. "

-.- " Yeah, I should. "

_PUNCH !_

_" WHAT DO YOU _WANT_ FROM ME ?! "_ Kris demanded as she grabbed Gold by the shirt collar.

" A party. "

" What the hell do you mean, a party ? "

Gold shrugged. " I was researching parties from the sixties, and I decided that those kinds of parties would be the lifestyle for me. I think I would look good in short-shorts, don'tcha think ? "

" No. Go away. "

The boy sniffled, eyes tearing up melodramatically. " I've been nothing but nice to you these past few months, and all I get in return is a bombardment of insults from you. It's really sad. I know that I look like a jerk most of the time, but you have to trust me at least once in your lifetime. Hell, I could even make you one of those punch cards that gives you a free sandwich whenever you complete the card....or wait ! I could offer you one of my sweet deals involving my rockin' body ! Normally I charge an outstanding fee to touch me, but since you're my neighbor, it'll only cost you $19.9- "

_**SMACK !**_

" Fiiive..." Gold mumbled weakly, eyes quickly turning into swirlies.

Kris turned back to Suicune with her arms crossed. She pointed to the injured Gold, who was twitching from obvious pain. " Matter's settled, Kuuni. Do you want to use that waterfall power of yours now ? "

" Yesss...."

-poof o' the complicated waterfalls-

* * *

(Victory Road)

" This is _not _what the average person would call a road. "

A simple-minded cave, otherwise known as Victory Road, was the only thing that now separated Kris from the Pokemon League. No longer was the young trainer in Johto, as explained in the last mini-adventure. She was now walking upon Kantonian soil, with the slightly hotter climate and oddly-colored pebbles.

Two Machop were sleeping on both sides of the cave, snot bubbles leaping out of their noses. A pack of Rhyhorn rushed towards a small spring of water. Geodude floated in the air, doing whatever a rock pokemon does while floating. Graveler and Golem rolled on nature-made ramps, seemingly having giddy fun. There _were_ people, but these people were the ones who were too stupid enough to read a map. In other words, they were stupid trainers, but let's not get in depth on _that_ subject.

Kris drew out a flashlight from her backpack and turned on the battery-powered device. The cave design was similar to that of a game of Chutes and Ladders. A Machoke eyed her warily before going back to its task of throwing boulders around to test its strength. Ignoring the rather nasty look, she passed the Machoke in order to get to a ladder.

" Who goes there ?! "

The Machoke glared at the young trainer. Kris sweatdropped. " I'm trying to get to the Pokemon League....."

_**" NO ONE PASSES ME ! "**_

o.o " Since when do Machoke talk ? "

" Ya wanna _argue_ with me ?! "

" No ?....."

" Good, 'cause I'd have to _kill_ you if you wanna ta argue with me. "

" Nuh-uh. I'd kill _joo._ "

Kris and Machoke turned around to see Steve out of its pokeball and smirking like a madman. The egg thing started to cackle evilly at its meaty superiors. " I am evil ! " he chirped at Machoke, waving his tiny paw things back and forth. " Lo, if you shall choose to attempt to be eviller, I shall have to kill you harder. I am not a psychopathic pokemon for nothing ! "

_"....Since when can these pokemon_ talk_ ? "_ Kris thought to herself, scratching her head in bewilderment.

Machoke scoffed at the Togepi's threat and swatted the air carelessly. He picked up Steve in his hands and chuckled. " You're an egg ! I could cook ya up for breakfast ! "

" Oh, really ? "

**_PSYCHIC ENERGYYYYYY !_**

(Machoke) " X.X "

Steve turned to his trainer and started to chirp cheerfully as it pointed to the exit sign. Kris's sweatdrop grew bigger as she picked up the egg in her arms and put him back into his pokeball. The exit ladder seemed to be glowing brightly as it beckoned Kris to come forward with its wooden freshness. Though not the nicest girl, nor the gentlest, the narrator says that Kris has a pretty good chance of kicking the Elite Four's asses. Shall she defeat them, though ?

We shall see.

End


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22 : The Super Awesome Eliteness of the Elite Four

_T__T Oh, God, I haven't updated this fanfic for two months. I'm so sorry. *starts wailing like a banshee* I really do procrastinate much, but I tried my best, and hey, this is the longest chapter yet, so I guess that's kind of something that makes up for such a long update. _

_^^ All right, on a much happier note, I got to do the Elite Four, yay ! All of them are "special" in their own way, but I must say, I think I like Will's part the best, but I made them all nutcases. (Who _don't_ you make a nutcase, Axy ?) So true. XD_

_Will - polite and sexy one of the Elite Four_

_Koga - ninja. (I kinda wished that they would've made him a member of the Elite Four in the anime, just so we could see Janine. x3)_

_Bruno - .....No need to explain. XD_

_Karen - Bipolar ? _(_Nah, she just has major issues. :3)_

* * *

Kris ambled into the large building where the Elite Four fought and resided. For being a building sponsored by the public donations, it was pretty impressive. The rest of the environment didn't seem to be affected by the building and its regular light bulbs, and in the middle of the first floor there was a ten-foot fountain that stood proudly.

A Nurse Joy quietly sat behind her assigned counter as Kris placed her belt of poke balls on the surface. She stared at the balls for a few seconds before directing her gaze to the eleven year old. " I don't understand what you want me to do, " she stated, clearly looking agitated. " Why'd you place those capsule ball thingies on my counter like some hobo with pocket change ? "

The trainer sweatdropped. " I want you to heal my pokemon. You're one of the many glitchy Nurse Joys, aren't you ? "

" Of course I am ! " Nurse Joy snapped, smacking the belt of poke balls off the counter. " But I'm not a freakin' magician ! I can't just _magically_ heal your pokemon. It doesn't work that way, sweetie. "

_" THERE'S A HEALING MACHINE RIGHT BEHIND YOU ! "_

" And there's a redheaded little hippie stand behind _you_, " the nurse retorted, walking away from her post for a cup of coffee.

Kris turned around and glanced at Silver, who was standing near the other side of the counter while also looking at the female trainer. They shared a brief look of utter blankness for a few seconds before our ill-tempered protagonist furrowed her eyebrows. " Why does it seem like you're always following me, Stonehenge ? "

Silver grimaced. " Why does it seem that you always call me by the wrong name on purpose ? "

" Because it's fun. "

-.- " I'm not amused. "

" You don't have to be. That wasn't a question. " Kris pursed her lips as she picked up her belt from the floor. She walked past the boy towards the entrance to the Elite Four. " I don't need some hippie-haired doofus sticking to me like glue, " she quietly said, " and I don't need you to boss me around. I'm Johto's number one protagonist. I can take care of myself. "

She opened the door. Silver walked over to her and closed his eyes. " Hey, Staller ? "

" Yeah ? "

" Kick those douchebags' asses twice as hard. You're not messin' with any punk gym leaders this time. "

" That's one thing I can do, Stickshift. "

_**" THAT'S SILVE- "**_

-slam-

* * *

(Will)

Kris shuffled into the first room of the Elite Four. There were floating platforms surrounding the center of the room. Each platform supported a statue of a psychic pokemon, and the center platform supported a man about twenty or so. Slightly obscured by a Batman-like mask, he ran a couple of fingers through his curly purple hair. Two other fingers went up and down his tie and shirt collar. His lips curled in a smile, mischievous and amused by the opponent that faced him. " Ooh, looky, somebody's finally decided to chase off those nasty tumbleweeds that have been lurking in the corners, " he mused, dangling his legs from the floating platform. " I haven't had a trainer visit me in ages. I know I can be an eccentric man, but it's only for the good of the world. I'm a good person. It's been so long since I've been in that manipulating cult of Pryce's. Perhaps....it was fate. " He shrugged. " Or I dunno. I _should _know, but I don't know. Or....I don't _want _to know. Sometimes being psychic can hurt your brain. "

He stared directly at Kris, his grin growing broader at the sight of her. " Oh, looky. What a lovely jacket you're wearing. And your headband's simply adorable. I used to wear a headband, but Karen made me stop. " His face suddenly grew serious. " I suppose she had her reasons. I suppose it's probably because most men don't wear headbands. And life is life. We cannot always get what we want, and that's actually an interesting concept. Isn't it more fun to wait for something ? "

The grin reappeared on his face as he placed his hands in his pockets. Kris stared blankly at Will before sweatdropping. " I'm sorry. I had a completely different image of you in my head, " she apologized, cheeks flushing slightly.

Will shrugged. " It happens, my dear. I've done it dozens of times myself. "

" Uh-huh. So....you're Will. "

" Yes, and you are Miss Staller, " Will replied, " and as you've already guessed, I am Will. I've trained my psychic pokemon very well over the years, almost so well that you could say they've trained _me_. " He chuckled. " How splendid. " Once again his facial expression changed, and he looked Kris dead in the eye. " We shall battle, but it's not the type of battling you would think of. Y'see, life is like a battle, and we don't necessarily need pokemon to fight. It's more like a morality issue. Shall you fight for dignity, or for power ? Are you doing this because you hate them, or because you want thirty seconds of the limelight ? "

Two of the platforms lowered a little. Will hopped onto one of the lowered platforms and gestured to the poke ball logo. " And now we shall engage in combat. " His face switched back to a jolly expression, his eyes twinkling with amusement. " Come with me with everything you've got, my dear. I can be a very coy little man when I wanna be, hahaha !"

" You're on ! "

Kris stepped onto the other platform and sprung towards her opponent with an aerial kick. Will took a couple of steps back and reached for her ankle as she came towards him. He swung her into the wall and let her ankle go, causing her to fall to the floor.

She panted angrily as she looked at him with fury and slight shock. The man jumped off of the platform and laid his foot on her hand. " We needn't underestimate anyone, Kris, " he whispered gently. " Sometimes we get a little too ahead of ourselves. It's perfectly normal. "

" I'm not done, " Kris growled. " You may be a polite psychic guy, but you're still someone I have to beat in order to end this stupid game. There's no f--king way I'm stopping here. "

" And why do you think that ? "

" Because, " the girl grinned, " I have my secret weapon. "

Steve popped out of his poke ball, narrowing his eyes in fury. His irises were tinted with crimson this time, dead-serious. Kris cracked her knuckles as she pointed to the psychotic Togepi. " He doesn't play around, Willy. As a psychic trainer, you should know that Togepi can be walking egg bombs. Most people think they're all cuddly and cute like that one Togepi in the anime, but I ended up getting stuck with the baddest-assed egg in all of Johto _and _Kanto. Hope you like scrambling eggs. "

Will started to laugh softly, causing Kris to give a puzzled look at him. He let go of his grip on her hand as he gently picked up the flailing Steve, who looked like he wanted to fight someone. " Oh, my. You have a lot of guts threatening an Elite Four member with someone so destructive, " he chuckled. " I suppose I have no other choice than to let you advance and let the other members take a whack at you. "

" _**DON'T PATRONIZE ME ! "**_

" Oh, no, quite the contrary. " He dumped Steve into Kris's arms as she stood up with his help. " Life may be a battle, but I'm a pacifist. I don't want to be known as a grisly weirdo and be shunned by society. I'm the life of the party ! I must enjoy my youth while it still leaps with joy. And you should, too. Heck, you're only eleven. Still naught but a child. "

i.i " Huh ? "

" Okie-dokie, then. I shall send you off on your way. It was a pleasure to battle against you, Miss Staller, and I hope to see you again someday. " Will bowed to Kris as he gestured to the opened door in front of him. " May we meet again under calmer circumstances. "

Kris nodded as she slowly stepped towards her next opponent. " Okay. " She stopped for a brief second before turning around back to Will. " Um....do you think you could get some Hot Pockets if we ever see each other again ? "

" Of course. "

".....Thanks. "

* * *

(Koga)

" Welcome....to my laiiiiir....."

A few kunai greeted Kris's feet with almost perfect accuracy. She looked up to see a silhouette of a man hanging from the branches of a tree, who had several more kunai and shuriken duct-taped in his hands. It was pitch-black, yet he had no trouble seeing anything as he flipped to the floor and shut his eyes.

With his left foot, he pointed at the protagonist. " Greetings, young one. I see that you have made it past the one with the freaky-deaky politeness. So, bitterness has yet to enter your mouth and swab the inside of your cheeks. I feel impressed for a ninja of my strength. "

The man walked on his hands over to Kris and lowered his left foot in greeting. " A footshake is always necessary to bond with a student. It's the ultimate sensei/student bond. Now....will you please bow to your sensei ? "

Kris snorted. " You wish you were my sensei, weirdo. I'm a self-taught learner who doesn't rely on some crackpot teacher to teach me any tricks. "

" I see. So, you're insulting my methods ? "

" Guess I am. "

" Hn. I guess I'll never teach you handstands, then. You're a horrible student. " He stood back on his feet in a blink of an eye and grimaced, crossing his arms as he wagged a shuriken. " Let me introduce myself. I am Koga, a ninja master, and probably one of _the_ best ninja masters in the entire region of Kanto. I live in shadows as a ninja, and though I don't wear a ninja mask, my ninja powers prove worthy through my poisonous pokemon, who are also ninja. You prove to be a horrible ninja, but if you could defeat me, Koga the Ninja, I might just honor you with the way of the ninja. In fact, my ninja buddies could prove to be quite useful as the ninja that they are....."

_I see that his favorite word is 'ninja',_ Kris thought to herself as Koga continued to use the word 'ninja' in his speech every five seconds. _Ninja this, ninja that. Isn't this guy, like, forty ? I guess this is why most Kantonian people ban their kids from watching Naruto DVD boxsets - it kills their vocabulary. I bet this guy only uses 'ninja', 'yaoi', 'Naru/Sasu', 'spandex', and those annoying dubbed phrases in his conversations. It's sad, but I think that I've finally found someone more pitiful than Snowblower _and_ Caramel._

Koga tilted his head to the side a little as his eyes narrowed slightly. " Hey, I must ask you a question......is ninja your favorite word ? "

" Erm.....yes ? "

_" YESH ! YOU PASS ! "_ Koga looked delighted as he flipped back to his hands and shook Kris's own hands with his foot. The entrance to the next member of the Elite Four suddenly opened. " You are a first-class honorary ninja, do you know that ? The ninja gods have been very graceful to you and have decided that you shall be a ninja for all of eternity in Ninja Land ! Do you know that I am a ninja too an- "

-poof!-

" ......Where'd she go ? "

* * *

(Bruno)

Kris shut the door behind her, panting softly. After sensing that Koga would go on to ramble about ninja stuff, she had fled as fast as she could on to the next member of the Elite Four. No wonder the man had decided to stop running the gym at Fuschia and apply for an elite job. He was nuts.

_**" WHO DARES TO DESTROY MY PAD ?! "**_

Three seconds later, she faced a giant, shirtless man with messy black hair that was tied in a ponytail. The expression on his face was a mixture of confusion and anger as he picked up a rock from under him and chucked it at her ankles. " You ! Intruder ! " he barked, starting to grab another rock. " I don't like intruders who look like they're smart ! I don't take too kindly to the smart folk ! "

*blink* " I honestly don't want to know...."

The man chuckled. " Of course a smart folk doesn't wanna know. I have the biggest brawns of all of Kanto because I am Bruno ! " He chuckled again, this time with a boisterous tinge. " And Bruno lets no intruders get past him because he is the brawn of the package ! FWAHAHAHA ! "

" Well, _you_ seem bright, " Kris muttered sarcastically.

Bruno looked even more confused. " Huh ? No, I'm not a Lite-Brite. I'm Bruno. I'm pretty sure I already said that. "

" Uh-huh. "

_" I DID ! "_ the man snapped, tossing his second rock at the light fixtures. " This is why I hate intruding smart people ! They intrude and then think that they know everything ! Well, lemme tell ya somethin', girlie. I'm independent. I can make raw fish all by myself, and I don't even know my times tables ! That should tell you that I know how to take care of myself _and _get a job, even though I'm not Lite-Brite ! "

" Yeah, um, can I go now ? "

" Sure you could go, girlie. Just walk right past me an- uh-oh. " Bruno dropped his rocks as the door behind him slammed. " I'm gonna be in trouble tomorrow....."

* * *

(Karen)

Forty seconds later Kris stepped into the fourth room of the Elite Four. There was an ominous aura hanging in the air as she walked further into the room. It was lit up with red and gray lights, and barely anything could be seen other than depressing silhouettes of the decorations.

Something stood out from everything else, though. A long, slender figure hidden by fluffy locks of silverish-blonde hair laid wearily upon a small futon. She was pretty in a sinister kind of way, her silvery-blue eyes gazing at Kris with a peaked interest. " Are you a trainer, my lovely ? " she asked in a gentle tone of voice.

Kris nodded slowly. The woman carefully stood up from the couch, revealing a navy blue dress with spaghetti straps and lace attachments. She yawned softly before taking the protagonist's face in her hands. " My, what a stern, strong face, " the woman commented, laughing under her breath as she spoke. " I can't believe you are my opponent. Ah, but I guess it can't be helped. Mr. Ninja and Brawns for Brains _are_ quite idiotic. I'm still not sure how they got the jobs, but life can be very perplexing sometimes. " Her lips formed a thin smile that also looked clearly annoyed. " Let me introduce myself, though. I am Karen. I play with the dark forces of nature, and the pokemon that they have provided here on Earth. They're my little bad boys, and they've given me what Will cannot. You, though, are fortunate enough not to see them, as they are healing at a Pokemon Center. "

" That Nurse Joy seems kinda odd. I wouldn't be trusting any kind of pokemon with her....." Kris mumbled.

Karen grimaced. " I'm not talking about that crazy Joy who works here, young lady. I keep my pokemon at a faraway place right here in Kanto. My heart and soul have been embedded in them ! "

" Hehehehe....heart and soul. "

_**" SHUT UP ! "**_

The protagonist quickly shut her mouth, surprised at the woman's sudden change of attitude. Karen glared at Kris as she heaved the couch to the other side of the room with one push. " Do you think that I am just trying to make one big joke ?! " she snapped, grabbing Kris's shirt collar and pulling the young girl to her face. " Do you think I'm trying to be f--king funny ?! Well, sweetheart, let me tell you something. This isn't Fantasy Land, and I'm not a f--king clown ! "

-shove!-

Kris looked up at her elder in confusion and horror. She sweatdropped as she scratched her head. " Lady, are you bipolar or something ? Karen ? "

_GRAB !_

"_** INSOLENT CHILD ! "**_ Karen roared, slamming Kris to the wall with an inhumane chokehold on the girl. " How _dare _you try and accuse me of having a disease ! I am connected with the dark forces of nature ! "

" Are you sure you're not connected with the guy from Halloween ? "

_**" SHUT UP ! "**_

" Well, I mean, it's ture. "

Karen glared at her captive. " You know what ? I think I'm just going to let you go so the Champion can deal with someone so repulsive as you are ! I don't even want to deal with you ! "

" O-Okay, then. "

" Yesss....I will toss you out like the piece of sh*t that you are...."

" Um, I said I'll go quietly...."

" Hmmm....maybe I can get Houndoom to use one of his fire attacks on you....."

_**" I SAID I'LL GO ! "**_

-poof!-

The woman smirked as she ambled back to the couch and went back to her resting position. " Hehehehe.....works every time. "

* * *

(Mr. Champion)

_We're sorry this has inconvenienced you, but the Champion has gone off to do a fulfilling journey and act like a madman while manipulating the minds of young nutcase-uh....children. So, if a trainer happens to be reading this, you are now the next Champion and have made it to the end credits, yay ! Congratulations, and here is your free cookie._

The automated message paused for a second and tossed a cookie at Kris before continuing. _We apologize for making anyone believe that there would actually be a battle involving the almighty Lance, but he is simply too bad-ass to associate with mortals. So, without further ado, let's say a happy adieu and get some end credits goin', WOOT !_

* * *

(END CREDITS ! )

Kris sat on a bicycle as the end credits rolled behind her. She sighed happily as she took out a random can of Coke and sipped at it. It was finally over. There would be no more battling, no more gym leaders, and certainly no more old people......

_We're happy to inform you that we're just yanking your chain. You still have Kanto to travel through, girlie. FWAHAHAHAHA !_

**_" DAMN YOU, NINTENDOOOOOOOOO ! "_**

End


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23 : Murder on the S.S. Atrocity

=w= _After two months, Axy's finally postin' something on here. XD It's always around the holidays where I get the writer's block and don't wanna type for no apparent reason, but it's DONE ! For working on it for only about two hours, I think it's good enough. The grandfather's character traits I kinda based off of the King of Town from Homestar Runner. :3 So, enjoy, and who the hell knows when I'm going to post another chapter ? XD (Rudeness attempt fails, but it might be another two months. -__- Damn you, high school.)_

* * *

-bang....bang....bang....**_BANG!-_**

Back in New Bark Town, the protagonist was back in Professor Elm's lab, wondering how she had ever decided to take a job with Nintendo. She knew how Nintendo had destroyed her dad, whoever the hell he was, and many of her slack-jawed cousins. Somewhere in Kris's thoughts, a little voice in her head told her that working in the video game industry as an RPG character was her destiny. Earlier that year, Kris responded haughtily that she took this job because she was foolish. Now she blamed it on how many people loved to drive her closer towards the Cliff of Insanity, located several miles east from Tohjo Falls.

And this was how she was in Elm's lab, banging her head on the brick wall repeatedly.

Elm was walking around in her circles, holding a flask of some form of alcohol and a bright smile. Obviously he was one of those people who enjoyed making Kris miserable, as he took a hearty swig from his flask before grinning again. " You look so glum, " he said to the girl, chuckling evilly under his breath. " You should be _happy_ that you get to travel to another region. When _I_ was a boy, I had to fight in one of the deep jungles of the Archipelago. "

Greg slapped his forehead and groaned. " Good Giratina, not the Archipelago story again...."

The crazed professor hopped onto one of the lab tables, completely changing his merry tone of voice to that of a lunatic's. " It was 1980-something, and I was starting my obsession with the DragonBall franchise. My parents, reformed hippies who always wore short skirts and long jackets, told me they were taking me to meet Krillin. Next thing I knew, I was in my Batman swimsuit fendin' for my life. My supplies were a novelty belt and two six-packs of Coca-Cola. " He jumped into a wall and broke some vials in the process, prompting large sweatdrops from his so-called audience. " Uncle Orchard and I were enemies. He had me locked up in a box for three days...no Coca-Cola...tasting his damn milkshakes, an- "

" You're not making any sense, Elm, " Kris interrupted.

" Hot Polly Pocket, I never do. " Elm sighed before handing Kris the S.S. Ticket needed to board the ship in Olivine and sail out to Kanto. " There, now go frolic in the fields and trip over yourself like a good, little protagonist. And remember, Staller - banging your head on things is a sure sign that you need to get your colon checked ! "

He smiled insanely. Kris sweatdropped again. " Er...."

Greg groaned again, slowly dragging Elm away from the walls and the protagonist. " That's it. No more being nude in the Lab while I'm baked for me. "

Several minutes later Kris was in the seemingly safe ship otherwise known as the S.S. Atrocity. One of the most popular modes of transportation, the S.S. Atrocity was the average middle-class ship that bobbed in the ship like it was supposed to and make funny noises during the night. On Kris's first day, she had inquired about why the ship did that, and was curtly told to shut her piehole. Retaliation by throwing a baseball at the captain wasn't a very good idea, either, and had managed to get Kris locked up in her room for the entire day.

On the second day the protagonist decided that the safest thing to do was to explore the ship, and walked the hallways with Bob at her side. For being a twenty-year-old ship, there was really nothing interesting *to* explore. There was a chair with three legs, and a few animal bones, but nothing else that was worth reporting.

Eventually Kris decided to just cut her losses and return to her own room, when an old man with a thin, stringy mustache and a plump belly started to fling open doors in a hurried manner. " LOLOLO ! LOLOLO ! " He flung open the next-door neighbor's door without even noticing Kris. " LOLOLO ! LOLOLO ! "

Kris sweatdropped. " Old man, what the hell is wrong with you ?! "

The old man paused for a second before turning to Kris, snot hanging six inches below his nostrils. He waddled over to the young girl, tears streaming down his eyes like streams. _" OH, LO, LITTLE MAN, EVERYTHING ! " _Grabbing Kris's wrists, roughly, the old man pulled her close to his belly, prompting one of Kris's eyes to twitch. " I'm Grandpa Fibberwhiskers, and I just lost my potato sack of a granddaughter ! _OH, LOLOLO ! OH, LOLOLOOOO ! "_

He let go of her wrists, sending her softly to the floor. Kris cupped a hand to Bob's tiny ear and whispered rather loudly, " Lie and ditch ? "

The Chikorita nodded. Kris slowly stood up from the floor and looked at Fibberwhiskers, who had resumed the task of flinging doors open to search for his granddaughter. She hastily grabbed the doorknob of her own room door. " Yeah, well, Fibby, it was nice to meet you and all, but my pokemon and I have to do other...things. " She sweatdropped slightly. " Gotta go ! "

*poof!*

_**" LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !. . . . . . . . "**_

From the safety of Kris's own room, the sweatdrop on her head grew enormous as she heard the painful wails of Fibberwhiskers. Something told her gut that he found his granddaughter, and it wasn't a happy sight. " He's not going to have a merry Christmas, that's for damn sure, " she murmured.

* * *

Later that day, Kris stopped hearing Fibberwhiskers's bawling and bolted out of her room to venture the floor below her by herself, Bob deciding to take a long snooze after an early meal of generic macaroni and cheese. There wasn't much more to explore than the floor where she was placed, but it was a little more excitement for the young protagonist. The smells of Thanksgiving stuffing, chocolate frosting and Eddie Murphy wearing an apron hung daintily in the air like a used tissue. This pleased Kris, but her chipper mood would quickly be stabbed in the back within three minutes.

Two sailors, one thin and one pudgy, were swaying side by side in drunken unison. The second man, the thin one supporting the pudgy one, threw an ale can across the hallway. " Stanly...Stanly, d'ya think we had too much ale ? "

The pudgy one named Stanly cackled. " Le- Let the Captain worry about whether we had too much ale. WE ARE SAILAS, that boy with the gooey last name says. Looky here, he's still with us, ain't he ? "

" Of course I am, ye pointy-hatted scallawags ! " Gold stood in the middle of the hallway, wearing a paper pirate's hat from Long John Silvers. Attached to his chest was a wooden sword stricken with splinters. He laughed rather boisterously before spotting Kris. " Argh, the light of my life has returned for some lovin' by the Admiral Caramel ! "

_**PUNCH !**_

x.x " Too....much...liiiight, " Gold mumbled sadly.

Kris crossed her arms. " You're such a pathetic idiot ! " she hissed, kicking Gold in the stomach. " Why anybody in any century would want to follow *your* advice is beyond any logical understanding ! "

Gold tugged at the edge of the girl's shorts. " Darlin', y'know Admiral Caramel knows how to easily form a fanbase, " he stated sternly. " Sailor Ed and Sailor Stanly merely know good taste. " He patted one of Kris's knees. " It's not your fault you have the fashion sense of a Sudowoodo, though, Cupcake. You just haven't had enough man-lovin' to understan- "

_**PUNCH ! ROCK SMASH !**_

Kris's eyes bulged at Misty, who wiggled a tree branch threateningly at Admiral Caramel. " Way to go, Mist....-and you ! " She grabbed Gold by the collar and shook him roughly. " You do realize that some old guy's granddaughter was hackslashed on the ship and he's looking for the murderer, right ? "

" Seriously ? "

" . . . . . "

" Right, right, of course you are. But a moidair, you say ? " Gold's mood immediately brightened again, as his attire quickly changed to that of a detective's, plaid cape, magnifying glass, and all. He placed both hands on Sailor Ed's and Sailor Stanly's shoulders. " Saila Ed, Saila Stanly, Admiral Caramel finally has a case for us to solve ! Lessgoooooo ! "

-poofx3!-

" Sudo ? "

" Uhhhh, 'fraid so, Mist. Admiral Lamebrain might blame me for all of his childhood problems. "

" Sudo-woodo....."

" Yeah, he's becoming a real pain in the ass. And he needs to learn that pokemon have feelings, too. Just because you're a plant thing- " Kris abruptly stopped, shaking her head in disgust. " I hate my life. "

* * *

_**" LOLOLO ! LOLOLO ! "**_

The sight looked slightly depressing and yet comical at the same time. Fibberwhiskers still had six inches' worth of snot hanging from his nose, and was unsuccessfully trying to get rid of that and undigested ravioli. The Captain was on the old man's left side, not really caring whether he was on the ship or three miles underwater. Sailors Ed and Stanly were fighting over another flask of ale, and Kris was staring at the ceiling, bored out of her mind.

_BANG-BANG !_

" People, we are out of order ! " Gold shouted, placing his goggles over his face. " This moidair case isn't getting solved by merely blinking our eyes ! " He cleared his throat obnoxiously, placing his plastic gavel on the table. " As you all know, I am Admiral Gold Caramel of the hick town New Bark in Johto. I have explored many structures, and have also *destroyed* many structures, and so the six of us are gathered here today to investigate who killed Penny Fibberwhiskers, annoying brat and love child, granddaughter of the snottacular Grandpa Fibberwhiskers. "

" Shouldn't you let that be handled by the police ? " Kris murmured under her breath.

" You're outta order, Staller ! " Gold exclaimed, banging his gavel again.

Kris furrowed her eyebrows. " No, you're out of f--king order ! You probably don't know one thing about criminology, do you ?! "

Gold sniffled. " Not really, no. Silver does. " He rubbed his goggles. _" BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER, BECAUSE ADMIRAL CARAMEL SHALL SOLVE ALL OUR PROBLEMS ! "_

" Ooh, ooh, Goldy ! " Sailor Stanly's smile grew broad. " I know you can solve the economy, can't you ? "

The boy's eyes twitched under his goggles, and he fell to the floor screaming angrily. Fibberwhiskers stumbled out of his seat, dazed by all of the mucus that was coming out of him. " Oh, lo, Penny was a special child. An' I don't mean 'stupid' special. She had that thick black hair that only children conceived in the forest can have. Until she was three, I honestly thought she was a mutant pokemon, but now that theory's lost as her poor, stupid soul. Ah, well. "

He walked out of the room, causing everyone in the room to sweatdrop, and also one certain girl who was in the room next to the gathering.

She was crouched in one of the corners with a PokeGear in her hand, frowning as she spoke into it. " Skippington here. I've carried out the mission of killing the little girl, but there was no blame on anyone. Apparently, Fibberwhiskers doesn't give two cents about his family. "

" Damn. It can't be helped. Well, if you want to get your objective achieved, you'll have to do something more criminal. Remember that. "

" Yes'm. I'm outtie. "

Soul hung up the PokeGear and clenched both fists. She looked at herself in the mirror, touching her hair happily. " I _will_ get your job, Miss Staller. Don't try to forget that. Tee-hee. "

* * *

" Bwaaaa, we're finally in Kanto. "

The Chikorita blew out a ring of smoke in delight. Kris smiled despite herself. " Hehehe, you probably shouldn't do that in public, but I'll allow it this once. "

_" CHIKA ! "_

_GLOMP !_

Kris fell to the ground, groaning, cheeks flushing, and eyes furrowing all at the same time. She glared at Bob, who was running stupidly in circles, and pointed a finger at the pokemon. " Never...again. "

End


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24 : Awareness, Fan Club, and Lt. Surge

_Finally posted Chapter Twenty-Four, yay ! =D I've had the majority of this chapter written up for about a month, but I didn't type it 'cause I'm such a lazy daisy. x.x Forgive me. My thoughts were between one place and another.....mostly school, but that's not the point. XD I hope this chapter's semi-entertaining....and enjoy. :3_

* * *

Kris eyed the wooden sign that had 'Vermilion City' scribbled lazily across it as she held Bob close to her body. She knew that Kanto was slightly more modernized than Johto in terms of game design, but nothing could've prepared her for this. Buildings were drawn correctly and not looking like someone had a field day with Legos, the air had that Febreeze-like quality to it, and all discarded items were placed in their proper discarded area. Everything that could be recycled _was_ recycled.

She hugged the Chikorita even closer to her, sweatdropping. " Someone went crazy on the eco-friendly concept, " she murmured.

" Chika ! "

" Heh, you'd be lucky if you could find _any_ type of weed in this place. If a dandelion popped up here it would probably be the end of the world for these guys. "

" Chika-chika....."

" Yeah, it _is _sad. Dandelions have the right to live, too. It's not _their_ fault that they're so annoying. "

Suddenly, a random person with a bald head raced across the street to where Kris was standing. He flailed his arms up and down before deciding to clutch the girl by the shoulders. " _GIVE A HOOT ! DON'T POLLUTE ! " _the person screamed inches from Kris's face.

Kris dropped Bob to the floor and blinked a couple of times. The man's head was shiny and sweaty from the sun's rays, and there was a faint odor coming from his flailing arms, perhaps of a fishy descent. She craned her head back slightly, eyebrows furrowing annoyingly._ " GIVE THINGS BACK ! DON'T SMOKE CRACK ! "_ she screamed back.

The man stepped back a couple of steps, his face clearly printed with bewilderment. His face scrunched up into a mixture of confusion and anger. " You don't give a damn about the environment ! Don't you know of the sacrifices that Mother Nature has had to make just to support a human lifestyle ?! Every day oodles of trees die ! "

" And every day_ people_ die, " Kris retorted, rolling her eyes. " Stop being such a whiny pansy. "

" Society today ! How rude ! "

He stomped off in the other direction, resuming the flailing of the arms. Kris snickered for a few seconds, then decided to make a jabbing comment like good, little protagonists do occasionally. **_" EVERY TIME YOU STOMP LIKE THAT THE GROUND CRIES A LITTLE MORE ! "_** she yelled, cackling.

* * *

(Five minutes later....)

" Like I said, Bob, there's nothing more annoying on Christmas than a giant pig going through your roof and eating all of your Oreo- "

" I heard you like making the environment icky. "

Kris turned her head to see a bald man with a shiny, sweaty head and a fish odor drenched in his arm area. She blinked a couple of times before poking the man. " Didn't I just tell you off five minutes ago ? "

The man chuckled. " No, that's my brother, Random Person No. One. *I'm* Random Person No._ Two._ "

" Number Two ? "

" Yes. "

" Hehehe....toilet humor. "

" YOU MEANIE ! " Random Person No. Two sniffled, egg-shaped tears running down his face like raindrops. " I HATE YOU ! "

He proceeded to run away, screaming like a little girl as he knocked down children in his path. Kris waved a hand out of ignorance. " Yeah, whatever. I get that a lot. "

* * *

(Ten minutes later....)

" I heard you hate the environment. "

Kris slowly turned around to see whose deep, menacing voice was talking to her. A giant woman with football player's shoulders had her arms crossed, a knapsack dangling from her meaty hands. " _This _is_ a woman, riiiight ?_ " she thought. " _Damn, she could do professional wrestling if she wanted to, and that's no joke ! If there ever was a time to drop the whole game and work for Sega...."_

_" IS THERE A PROBLEM ?! "_ the woman demanded, taking Kris out of her sanctuary of thoughts.

" Yeah...who are you ? "

The woman's nostrils almost flared. _" I AM RANDOM PERSON NUMBERS ONE AND TWO'S MOMMEH ! AND YOU HATE THE ENVIRONMENT ! "_

" I never said that ! " Kris snapped back. " Your sons are idiots ! "

" ...._Says who ?_ "

" ...Says me. "

Random Persons' Mother started to charge forward, eyes almost rolling back in the back of her head as she flailed her arms. " FWAAAAAAA ! "

As if knowing this was her cue, Kris started to run with Bob closely following her, arms also flailing. " BWAAAA ! "

It was almost a comical sight, a preteen and a fat Chikorita being chased by a giant woman with practically man-like qualities complimenting her. The run almost lasted five minutes, almost a feat for children these days, before Kris passed two bushes and a tree and was cornered into a wall.

Random Persons' Mother bared her teeth, eager for the kill that she was about to pursue. She stared at the girl with stony eyes, a grin coming onto her face. " You gonna die like a pack of bacon, " she murmured, cackling under her breath.

" Yeah, that doesn't make a smidge of sense, Mommy Dearest. "

" FWAAAA ! "

" *poke* "

" NOOOOOOO ! "

The meaty woman passed out into a puddle of water, x's quickly replacing her eyes. Kris slowly poked Random Persons' Mother with a stick again before sweatdropping. " . . . That must be the third time that's worked. "

* * *

(Fanclub)

As Kris continued to walk around Vermilion City with Bob, she spotted a pink house with pink-painted bushes and a peppermint-shaped mailbox. The clouds that spouted out from the chimney were white with a tint of green. A fenced-in area of cute and fluffy pokemon also caught her eye. She could've sworn that a couple of them had people's faces lodged in their throats....

" Welcome, welcome, welcome, to my magnificent collection of toys ! "

An old, pudgy man with a suede hat took Kris's hands into his own and spun her around. The girl sweatdropped, an eye twitching suspiciously. " You mean pokemon, right ? "

The man smiled. " And toys and sweeties, little girl. "

" Mr. Tinkertrain ring a bell to you ? "

" Definitely Chimecho bells ! "

Kris paused, staring at the man with slitted eyes. " Geography-disoriented ? "

He smiled again. " Yes ! " Pointing to a sign next to the building that said, 'Fanclub,' the man's smile grew wider. " I've got a one-way ticket to take you to the other side ! Join me ? "

Now both of Kris's eyes started twitching in the same suspicious fashion. " 'One-way' doesn't sound very innocent...."

" 'Course not ! " the man replied, shocked. " I'm guilty of loving pokemon too much ! "

"....That sounds _so_ wrong. "

" But I've got a one-way ticket...."

Kris's eyes turned into slits. " Yeah, well, you can keep that ticket. I don't want to be involved in any pervy fanclub. "

She picked up Bob and hugged him to her chest again, walking away. The man, revealing himself to be the President of the fanclub by a badge that said so, flailed his arms. " Hey, wait a minute, little girl ! " He started to follow after Kris, panting as his belly jiggled up and down like a coin purse. " I've got everything you'd want at the fanclub ! I kidnapped dancing Clefairy for childrens' satisfaction ! Imagine how hard it was, to dig deep into Mt. Moon and snatch fairy things up into a potato sack ! That hole in the Kanto region didn't get there through thin air ! Please, wait ! My legs are too stubby for prolonged fitness ! "

The girl continued to ignore the president for several moments as he continued to babble before she turned around, giving him a sharp glance. " What do you _want_ from me ?! "

" Hn ? "

_RANDOM HUG !_

**_" ALL I WANT FROM YOU IS YOUR UNDIVIDED ATTENTION ! "_**

" Ew, get offa me ! "

*shove!*

_" I HATE MY LIFE, AND THESE LOGS ! "_

He held up a paper. Kris sweatdropped. " Er...logs ? "

" YES, logarithims ! " the president replied. " Everyone thinks they're so easy, but all I want to do with these loggies is to _burn_ 'em ! "

" You're a senior citizen doing high school work ? "

" Logic does not apply in my mind ! You should know that by now, little girl. "

" Please quit calling me that. "

" Well, what about you ? " President inquired. " You're not even _in_ high school, are you ? "

" I'm not_ in_ school, period ! I have a fifth-grade education on a college-bound comprehension level ! "

The president gasped. " Wow ! I'm amazed ! A little girl knows what 'comprehension' means ! "

" Er....yeah...."

**_" YOU MUST JOIN THE FANCLUB ! "_**

" I....said...._NO !_ "

" Bawwww....."

" Why do I have the feeling that this will happen again ? " Kris stomped off away from the fanclub and its crazy president, a mask of anger covering her face. " Stupid, crazy, old man with tinkering fetishes....."

* * *

(Lt. Surge)

A few sodas and caffeine-induced rages later, Kris and Bob finally set foot onto the property of the Vermilion City Gym. The structure form was still better than any architect in Johto could come up with, but the building was still a crappy building to be frank with the simple-minded criticism. Paint chipped off the sides, the gutters were leaking and filled with leafy gunk, and it seemed to the naked eye that the roof was slightly lopsided.

Nevertheless, it was where Kris would obtain her next badge.

" Ready to kick some Kantonian ass ? " she asked the pothead Chikorita.

Bob merely shrugged and made a small grunt. Gym battles never suited to his fancy. They never gave the dosage of violence that a pokemon such as Bob would like in his cup.

Suddenly the pokemon was struck with a dumb look, thinking about potato chips, candy bars, and other fattening foods. As if she could read his mind, Kris rolled her eyes. " You know, you probably should stop thinking about the weed-related activities and start thinking about....trainer stuff, I dunno. These slack-jawed yokels claim that the lieutenant thrives on discipline and loud noises. Probably more the latter than the former like most Army men, but still. Lay off the pot, would you ? "

" Chika ! "

" ....Yeah, I'm gonna take that as a 'yes' just to spite you. "

" Chiii...."

Kris shook her head out of an undescribed feeling and placed Bob back into his pokeball. She stuck it onto her belt, tugged on her headband, and stepped inside of the gym.

Surprise awaited her findings. Despite it being summer and at an already-blazing temperature, the gym seemed to be heated up an extra twenty degrees, making all of the plastic things within its confines to melt slowly and painfully. The wallpaper was decorated with tiny thunderbolts and Army camoflague, and there was a thin cloud of smoke trailing from the bathroom._ So much for trying to keep the planet clean. This looks like a job for AL GORE ! _Kris mused in her head.

A few minutes later, the bathroom door flung open and a giant man with big muscles and a mesh shirt came out coughing like he had a deadly disease. There was a pair of sunglasses on his face, and he casually tossed them on the floor to look around his dark surroundings. Eventually he spotted Kris, who was staring right at him with sweatdrops. " Hey, little boy ! "

" I'm a GIRL ! " Kris snapped.

" Oh. Well, if you want to be cruel to your own gender and be a transy, I don't care. Just keep those f--king prepositions or whatever the hell they're called outta my mailbox, " the man replied. " I'm Lieutenant Surge. I have to hand it to you. You may be dumb to challenge me, an adult and superior to all of your inferior little squabbles, but I guess I'll give you some credit. When it comes to sparking pokemon, I am the GOD ! "

" Nah, Volkner owns. "

" D-SHUT UP ! I have never lost in this gym ! "

" Except Red, " Kris snickered.

The lieutenant stomped on the floor, almost breaking his sunglasses from the impact. " I hate you. I'll zap you like I did with my enemies, especially Koga. "

" Fine, then. What's the battle ? "

" Three-on-three, if I win, I get your tranny panties. "

" . . ._ What ?!_ "

Lt. Surge sighed. " Nobody ever likes the American slang. Oh, well. Let's get this battle ON ! "

They both reached for a poke ball, and the scenery turned almost into a 2-D animation....

Lt. Surge : Raichu, I choose you !  
(Raichu pops out)  
Kris : S'go, Bob !  
(Chikorita pops out)  
Bob : Chika !  
Kris : Use razor leaf !  
(Bob uses razor leaf ; Raichu loses 1/2 HP )  
Lt. Surge : . . . . . .

Kris : Now use tackle !  
(Bob uses tackle ; Raichu faints)  
Lt. Surge : . .. . .

Kris : Dude, what the f--k ?! Aren't you going to tell your pokemon to do something ?!

Lt. Surge : ....I forgot what we're doing, little boy.  
Kris : You've_ got _to be kidding me.  
Lt. Surge : Naw, I'm bein' cereal. Please tell Mr. Army Man what we were doing.

Kris stepped off of the 2-D stage and yanked Lt. Surge off with monsterous strength. She smacked him in the face and huffed. " Are you _cereal_ ?! " she screeched. " Dude, you're even more pathetic than Caramel ! "

(" Hey, yeah, I'm finally better at something than someone ! ")

**_" GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE ! "_**

Gold scurried from under the stage like a Spinarak and quickly escaped through the fire exit. Kris turned her attention back at the lieutenant, who had the blankest look on his face. She facepalmed. " Mr. Army Man and the tranny were in the midst of a pokemon battle, understand ? "

" OH ! " The man was brought back to his senses in an instant. He grabbed a pokeball. " Like one of these egg thingies ? "

" Yeah....now can we continue our crappy 2-D animation battle so I can go ? "

" Sure ! " Lt. Surge said happily.

" Okay, then, ya big, meaty offender of everything and everyone. "

Lt. Surge : Noooow, I wants my Electrode ! Gooooo !  
(Electrode pops out.) Kris : Bob, you just stay right where you are.  
Bob : Chik !  
Lt. Surge : I wanna see explosions. So, exploooooooode !  
Electrode : El-e ? (...That even a command )  
Bob : Chik-chika. (I thought it was an explosion)  
Electrode : Electrode. (I _know_ that. So what, am I supposed to explode for this dumb-ass just to satisfy his violent behavior )  
Bob : Chika. (Guesso)  
(ELECTRODE USES EXPLOSION ! Both parties faint )  
Lt. Surge : That's it. I don't wanna play anymore. We're done.  
Kris : But you have one more pokemon, stupid !  
Lt. Surge : DONE !

Lt. Surge brought his Electrode back into the pokeball and dropped a badge into Kris's hands. " There's a badge. I dunno what it's called, and I don't care. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with thunder. Oh, and there's also a disk thingie that comes with it ! "

(Kris receives unknown TM ! =D)

The girl blinked. Lt. Surge shoved her out of the doorway in an instant and the cloud of smoke came back in the air with a stronger scent. Kris stood by the gym for a few seconds before placing the badge in the case and shaking her head as she departed the wonderful city of Vermilion. " Someone needs to get new ideas with this generic battle style, " she murmured in disgust. " Today was the lamest day ever...."

End


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25 : Resistance of the Underground

_^^ Yay, another chapter has made its way to the surface ! Originally this was only going to be a short segment and cover all of Saffron City, but heh, one of Axy's brilliant schemes popped in her head and thus an entire chapter dedicated to the Underground made its way. I thought it was written decently overall, even though the battle scenes sucked. D: Just can't get those right, but I'm not too worried about it. _

_Now...about Yellow. I really made her character a bit lunatic, and I know from reading Pokemon Adventures that she doesn't act like I wrote her to be at all. XD Especially with the simple-mindedness, but also with the battling. She's not a battler in actual canon, but a healer. However, I forgot all about that and wrote her Dodrio blasting stuff before I checked Bulbapedia. Silly me. Still, I don't think it would've worked if I just kept her in the sidelines, and besides, since she was helping to battle an evil group anyway, I figured she'd kick some patoot, pokemon or no pokemon. Sooo...without further ado, pleasant reading ! :3  
_

* * *

_Kantonian News Briefs - telling you the world by the written page since 1965 !_

A sheet of newspaper fluttered into Kris's face with its crumpling moan. It was a windy day from the outskirts of Vermilion onward, and the temperature barely reached fifty. The people who lived on the edges seemed not to care of pollution, as there was litter everywhere. Police squads would have a field day arresting the ignorant people, but for now the ignorance had already reached the young girl. At least it was just a newspaper and not Houndour poo.

She pulled the newspaper off her face and was ready to crumple it and toss it in the trash can when the front page article caught her eye. Usually the KNB didn't catch her interest. It was pretty much a gossip tabloid that only disguised itself as a newspaper, filled with nonsensical garbage about famous trainers and crazy myths that told of destructive rampages. Kris remembered that the last time she took a peek at the KNB, Elm's wife was on the front cover with a lampshade on her head. In the background was her mother, holding up a picture of Gold and her daughter holding hands for the world to see. Needless to say, Kris had burned all copies of the KNB in New Bark.

Now it actually had an article that was both interesting and true. Written below the frivolous subtitle, the article read :

_Beginning with the construction of a more modern Johto a year ago, trainers of both pixelation and abnormalities have started to receive more and more perks as the weeks go by. Trainers are now able to have their first pokemon in their party follow them everywhere they go. Whether it's a Pokemon Center, the Poke Mart, or even to that one-star bathroom, boys and girls will never have to feel alone again._

Scribbled and in between parenthesis was, _(Of course it's purely optional for those self-hating emo trainers. No need to corrupt any more pokemon than necessary.)_

_Controversy about this new feature has swelled up amongst the trainer population, including the Elite Four of Johto. Earlier in the week JNN (Johto News Network) held an exclusive interview with the group. Three of the five members were present ; Koga unfortunately had some "business" to tend to, and front-runner Lance was doing something that was stated as classified. The responses to the new concept were of mixed feelings. Bruno wasn't partial to either side, and Karen claimed that she couldn't care less. However, the star pupil of the night had to be one of Johto's sexiest psychics, Will._

_A powerful activist for pokemon's rights, Will stated, " It is an atrocity that the common trainer could forcibly make any pokemon follow them in any circumstances with just a mere push of a button. The superior officials have obviously not thought out this idea through. We must take into account each individual pokemon' s ability. Water pokemon would greatly be in an awful position right now. Rises in pokemon poaching will also probably go up. My main concern are the clashes between legendaries and trainers that could easily develop. Two of the three legendary gerbils still roam the land of Johto, and Suicune, who is in the hands of a very dependable trainer that I've met recently, can easily cause a rampage if she wishes. We must be very cautious about the technology we use today, and stay in the favor of our beloved pokemon. "_

_At twenty, WIll is the youngest member of the Johto branch of the Elite Four. More updates will be published soon. KP. _

Kris crumpled up the sheet and tossed it in the trash. Will made some very good points, but the trash still had to be destroyed. And either way Bob still followed her whenever he could manage to escape from his poke ball. He was stumbling beside her now, sniffing the trash can with glee. It would forever be a mystery of how a Chikorita could be so dim-witted. Bob would never give way to his secret, either, as he pulled out the crumpled newspaper and started to chew on it. " Chika ! "

" You ever _not _think of food ? Kris asked, rolling her eyes.

The Chikorita shook his head. Kris sighed and picked him up, allowing him to snuggle up against her chest as she headed toward the next stop. The gate leading to Cerulean City was out of order for the moment, proving it with a padlock. Saffron City was the only place that was accessible from the route, and that was through the Underground Path.

It was almost like a tunnel, a place where creeps, weirdos, and dirty old women spent their time lurking. Originally built for the escape of innocent fugitives and Jynx with black faces, the Underground Path had taken a toll for the worst over the years. The route was in mild disrepair, and there were rumors of civil war among the residents. Hair tonics and health tonics seemed to not go together well.

Nevertheless, it was the path that Kris had to take. With a mental nudge she pushed herself to open the door leading to the underground. A staircase awaited her, along with a man sitting in a folding chair. He was cross-legged, wearing a pinstripe with confidence. A ski mask replaced the usual colorful one, covering the entire face, but Kris realized who the man was immediately. " Will ? "

" Pleasure to make acquaintances with you again, Miss Staller. " Will flashed a smug smile in the small hole of the mask. Standing up, he shook Kris's hand and handed her something warm and rectangular. " I see you and your pokemon are looking as well as ever. And I have remembered the little thing that you asked of me. I apologize for not getting you a pepperoni Hot Pocket. The grocery only held ham and cheese. Oh, and some foreign animal, I believe it was ferret or possum or some species of raccoon. I figured that most people wouldn't appreciate eating a baked raccoon, though. "

He chuckled. Bob craned his neck and sniffed the Hot Pocket, drooling. Kris gawked at Will as if he was a Parasect. " What are you doing here, anyway ? Aren't you supposed to be doing...leadery stuff ? "

" I am. "

" Okay, then..."

Will sighed. " All right, I'll tell you, but this is a very serious matter to deal with here. " He pinched the middle of his mask. " As you know, the Underground Path connecting this route to the one in Saffron is breeding ground for menace and mischief, and it's been worsening even more so since the Magnet Train stopped operating. We're not dealing with regular crooks. And it can be pretty safe to say that none of them are connected with Team Rocket. That organization has disbanded and rebanded at least six times on the public record in the past ten years, and each time it ends with Mr. Giovanni falling on his bum. I know. Karen and I used to stalk them. "

" Uh, Will ? "

" Oh, yes, why I'm here. So sorry for getting off topic. " Will cleared his throat. " Anyway, these are not normal criminals. Like the Underground in Goldenrod City, this Underground has its share of trainers, barbers, and old ladies with herbal remedies. However, Kanto's had a lot of political resistance since the Silph incident three years ago. The president has been pressured lately to change his leading style, mostly with violent death threats. So, since the Elite Four of Kanto has been disbanded for the past couple of years or so, our branch was sought out to help. "

" 'Cause the feds are useless ? "

" Exactly. We believe that the citizens may not only be having a civil war among themselves, but are planning a civil war against the general population of Kanto. We're talking about your guns, axes, chemicals...rabid pokemon. The worst. "

" Wow. "

" Yes. Today I dispatched myself to investigate. Your presence is not coincidental, Miss Staller. I had that sense that something was going to go down. So, if you would allow me, we could watch each other's backs as partners until you arrive safely at the other end. It is a grisly world down there, believe me. "

Kris nodded. " All right. I'll take the deal. But I gotta ask you something, Will. "

" Hmm ? "

" Are those...Oreo crumbs on your ski mask ? "

-facefault!-

"...Sorry. "

* * *

After the wiping and smudging of Oreo crumbs, the two trainers descended down from the stairs. The Underground was practically silent, with the only sound being a wailing hobo with a lack of teeth. " Spare ya change, man, " the man crooned to Will. He shone a toothy smile, front teeth missing. " Get involved in my wackiest schemes an' scams. Buy a flarin' M-80 that can be charged to its maximum level for an easy payment of _nineteen ninety-fiiiive_, fwhehehe..."

Will shook his head and tossed a few coins into the hobo's cup. Delighted, the hobo's smile grew wider, and he scurried off into a darker part of the area. Kris hugged her jacket now that Bob was safe in his poke ball, glancing at her elder trainer. " Hey, Will, aren't we supposed to be against these guys ? " she whispered.

" A small price to pay to avoid getting mugged. " Will shrugged and returned the glance with a serious glint in his eyes. Charred rubble started to get stuck to their feet, smelling of cigarettes and remnants of human flesh. He lowered his head and turned away but spoke in a lower voice, " Did you see how that man's jacket was bulging, Kris ? I doubt if he's actually homeless. He's probably just acting like one to lure the feds to their death. Not too many people flash a smile like that after losing their front teeth, especially the homeless. Looked like a firearm he was hiding...or a Voltorb, I forgot to put my contacts in this morning. "

" I see. "

They moved forward, staying quiet except for random interruptions of sighing or idle conversations. How the weather was pleasant indoors made no sense to Kris, but she had to admit that it was a lot better to listen to than one of Gold's theories of life. (Creation by angry chocolate men just wasn't the case.) Thoughts of Sega giving her a lifetime contract and the chance to meet Sonic the Hedgehog drifted into her mind. She knew that being a psychic Will was probably reading those thoughts, and indeed a small smirk was planted on his face, but that didn't stop her from daydreaming. Not even that hobo disturbed her...much. Meeting Sonic and forcing him to give her an autograph on Gold's decapitated head was a great reverie. A+ material, all the way.

Soon that material went down the drain, though, as Kris was tackled to the ground. Before she could make a response, a bullet whizzed above and past her head, bouncing off the wall. She saw Will take something out of his own jacket, a sleek revolver that held his trademark confidence. Kris stared at the gun in awe despite Will's weight crushing her, then finally made an effort to say something.

" Hey, I thought you guys were _against_ violence ! " she hissed.

One of Will's bullets hit an old woman. Blood crept out of her shoulder, and the hag had no choice but to drop her weapon and sink down to the hard pavement. Kris felt the scent of cheescake on her neck and under her clothing. Will took a sharp breath and leaned on the young trainer, crushing her even more. " I'm afraid violence is sometimes the only way out, Kris. That old woman wanted us taken out, and..."

" And you're bleeding ? "

" Oh, no, I'm bleeding ? Damn it. "

Blood seeped from the man's forearm. He tucked away the revolver and clung to his wound. " I wondered why Lefty started to go numb on me. Thanks for the observation, Kris. "

" No proble- "

She was pulled to her feet and shoved into the wall in mid-sentence. The old woman who had been shot cackled and tossed out a foul-looking ball in the air. Kris could only smell a faint nauseous odor as a bloodied hand covered the bottom half of her face. Her eyes watched the hag to attempt to scurry away like the hobo, only to get shot again, this time in the ankle. Instinctively her eyebrows furrowed. " Mew, is this a parody or a f--king war scene ? "

" Probably both, " Will answered. " Don't try to breathe in too much of the air, it's pretty bad, and there may be more where that came from. "

(Old woman) " Ahhh, sweet Jeebus, my old and crippled ankle ! "

" Yes, yes, your ankle. Naughty old lady. "

They moved onward again, passing the old lady that held her bleeding ankle to her chest. Silence resumed over the two, and Kris began to sink back into her imagination. It was a world similar to hers, yet it held surrealistic undertones. Trees were blue, skies were red, and the old lady was replaced with a half-dead Tails stuffed in a flower pot. The broken ankle had disappeared, and a tail that was almost detached from the squirrel's body shuddered like an all-you-can-eat buffet. Kris sighed with joy, never noticing the unlikely pair that she almost tripped over until a straw hat fell to her feet.

" MEEP ! " A short blonde girl with pigtails squeaked and snatched the hat from the ground, placing it on her head to cover most traces of femininity. She squeaked again as she dashed across the hallway and attached herself to a man in an overcoat...or rather, a boy. "

" Yellow, you've gotta stop acting so skittish, " the boy reprimanded, patting the straw hat's top.

" Meep..."

The boy scratched his head and turned to Kris and Will. Startled, he waved at the two trainers and grinned. With equal shock Kris gawked at the boy in amazement. " Falkner ? "

" Yep, it's me. Sorry for intruding on your exploration, Kris. "

" Who's your sidekick ? "

" Yellow. She's a bit self-conscious, though, and all she can say is 'meep'. "

He grabbed Kris's hand and shook it. Will chuckled at the warm sight of young trainer and young badger. " Well, you two are good friends, Falkner ? "

(Falkner) " Oh, yes, we go back a long time..."

(Kris) " Oh, yes, ever since I met and battled him in Violet City _a few months back_. "

_" MEEP ! "_

_CHOMP !_

_" DAWWW, SON'VABITCH ! "_

Kris grabbed for the hand that Yellow bit into and attempted to shake the girl away. Falkner yanked his lackey by the arm, pulling her off the victim and leaving a long trail of drool and blood from Kris's hand. " So sorry, Kris, " he mumbled, turning away from the brutal glare that he was about to receive.

* * *

Holding her hand in tender care, Kris glared at the short blonde girl that was Yellow. The two groups had joined forces at Will's insistence, much to Kris's dismay, and now they were venturing through the Underground as a foursome. It would've been a great team if Falkner wasn't so impulsive and Yellow wasn't as...hostile as she appeared. She was a crafty girl, clingy to her straw hat and Falkner, and saw Kris as some sort of threat. Not liking overattaching people too much, Kris saw the other female as a pest. A sudden burst popped into the young trainer's head of Green telling about "her dear, ol' friend." From what was recalled, the facts about Yellow were simple: pothead parents, limited telekinesis with pokemon, self-conscious with limited speech. Natural enemy making at its finest.

Will, on the other hand, was delighted by such cheerful silence only interrupted by random "meeps." He walked close to her, holding a tiny hand in his own bony one, as they reached the halfway point of the Underground. Kris continued to glare at Yellow until Falkner tapped her shoulder. " Like my little lackey ? " he teased, winking.

" Oh, yeah. She's a wonderful bundle of pure joy. " The girl snorted, sneaking a quick glance at her enemy to make sure no retaliation could be made. " What are you doing in Kanto, anyway ? "

Falkner shrugged, placing his hands in his pocket like a rogue ninja. " Well, my dad's a cop, but he didn't have time to go all the way and investigate, so he dispatched me. "

" Lazy-ass feds ? "

" Tsk, you know it. I was going to ride my moped through here, cruising like one of those '80s pop stars, but in the middle of riding it I crashed into a bush and destroyed it. Yellow was sitting next to the bush and so she tagged along with me. It was a little weird at first 'cause I didn't know that she only knew how to say one word, but I'd say that we've become good buddies. " He paused, then blushed. " Of course I have no interest in her. Just friends. We still have a second chance. "

" Hold it, you haven't even destroyed your_ first_ chance yet, and we never actually went past just being friends. "

" So I'm at-bat ? "

_" No !_ "

" Oh, okay. "

Yellow pulled away from Will's grasp and ran over to Falkner, returning Kris's glare with an angry snarl. The group slipped back into silence, the only sounds being their heavy footsteps and Yellow's "meeps." Kris felt at a place where all of her wildest fantasies had deserted her and Mew had dropped an extra-heavy coconut on her head. No one else besides them were in the path ; it seemed like they were the only ones crossing a deserted route. Something was definitely wrong, she could just sense it. There should've been at least one or two more old ladies with deadly weapons in hand, or at least an evil barbershop song. _Nada._ Like the eye of a hurricane, or Gold just waking up after a five-day sugar binge.

**_KA-BOOOOOOOOOOM !_**

**_" GET DOWN ! "_**

Those were the last words both girls heard before Will pushed them to the ground. A thick cloud of debris swept over Kris's head, sprinkling her hair with dust and chemicals. From the corner of her eye, she could see three men wearing masks emerging from the darkness with machine guns in their hands. She shut her eyes just as the first dozen bullets rang in the air. Something almost furry cuddled up beside her and clung to her jacket, and it was obviously not a pokemon.

" Meep ! " Kris gawked at the pair of yellow-tinted eyes that were staring right back at her. Yellow's hat tilted to the side, allowing her to see a pretty lock of blonde dangle to the side. The skittish girl tightened her grip on the jacket, and Kris could smell a light fragrance of cinnamon rolls.

Falkner grabbed the girls' shirt collars and brought them to their feet. He shoved them into the wall before pulling out a pistol of his own. The man across the hallway advanced further, grinning like Linoone. " Staller, Schwarz, you two know_ better_ than to just lay around in a time of battle ! " he snapped, pointing to the men. " Either help fight or go without us ! "

Kris nodded. The two options were made pretty clear - fight or flight. It was obvious that she would have to choose flight. Yellow was too small and simple-minded to attempt to fight people who rose two, maybe even three feet above her. It was always bothersome to have the stickler, but nothing could be done. Even though they were enemies, Yellow would thank her later.

_" MEEP ! "_

With amazing strength, Yellow pushed Kris forward by about ten feet. Shocked, the trainer stood silent for a few moments while seeing her enemy throw out a Dodrio out into the field. The bird pokemon growled, scooping up both girls onto his back with one twist of his neck. Falkner went back to fighting an old lady that had somehow appeared from nowhere. Will was preoccupied in trying to get a rogue scientist into a headlock. The Dodrio switched his glance between the two men before firing a Hyper Beam at an oncoming male with a knife. A direct hit knocked the knife out of the man's possession and scraped his hand. Yellow and Dodrio both meeped in triumph.

Soon Kris finally got over her shock, and she joined in the battle with Misty. There were brutal injuries and bloodshed, mostly by the villainous side. Will's arm still trickled spots of blood, but he seemed to have gotten that under control, as he continued to fight with open arms. The rogue scientists and barbers began to retreat to their corners. By now they were all situated near the exit leading to Saffron, and most of the enemy's artillery had been crushed. Only the bare, sweaty hands could help the opposition now.

Will tangoed with one of the hags, wrapping his hands around her wrists as if he was going to handcuff her. He grinned at the rest of the group and pushed the woman to the wall. " This is what happens when justice prevailed, " he stated. " I think it's safe to say that we may be able to travel without interference now. It seems that the opposition has been defeated. "

" You'll never defeat the resistance, " the old woman croaked. " We'll live longer than all of you combined. _Much _longer. "

She wriggled out of his grasp and reached for her pocket, pulling out a gooey mass in the shape of a tennis ball. The man's eyes immediately widened, and he reached out towards the object. " No, you don't realize how powerful that thing is ! " he cried. " If you drop that thing on the ground, you'll kill us all ! "

The old lady cackled. " Well, Sweettart, I'll take that risk. "

Pushing Will away the cackle grew louder, tightening her grip on the mass. Will turned to the rest of the group and shoved them all toward the exit. He thrusted his poke belt into Kris's arms. " You guys have to run_ now _! Once that thing hits the ground you'll have five seconds ! "

" What is that thing ? " Kris demanded.

" Never mind with the questions ! " Will shoved the group closer to the exit. The old lady finally threw the mass in the air, hitting the ground with a splat. " Now _GO_ ! "

Kris froze. For three of the five seconds she remained immobile before Falkner finally pushed her and Yellow outside into the world of the norm. The last two seconds seemed to be in a daze, a never ending dream floating just above a child's head. She stumbled with the push and fell to the grass. Images of the skyline caught her eye. It was cloudy. Her last memory was of clutching Will's poke balls and holding them close to her.

And then the entire half of the Underground exploded.

* * *

Twenty minutes later Kris stirred to find Yellow sitting on top of her, a dazed look in the eyes. About two dozen vehicles were parked around the perimeter, and a team of firefighting bums were hosing down the ashy remains of the Underground Path. From the corner of her eye, she could see someone being pulled in a gurney, followed by Bruno and Koga. There was no plastic bag over the gurney, so a small voice stirred inside of Kris that said Will was either alive or a steamed vegetable. Probably alive. Falkner was also with the group, which was a good sign, but there were no traces of the old woman.

Eventually someone knelt beside her and tapped her forehead. Kris turned her head to see it was none other than Karen. " Hey, Staller, you do realize that someone's sitting on top of you, right ? "

" Yeah. " Glaring at Yellow she attempted to get up but failed. " Is Will ?..."

Karen snorted. " He's fine. Got a busted leg, but he'll be limping around the bedroom in no time at all. He even got his poke balls back from you while you were knocked out. Always trying to play God, gahh. " The woman rose to her feet and smirked, wiping a lack of hair from her vision. " Anyway, that old bag of a terrorist and her friends are all blown to pieces. They wiped up her remains just before you woke up. The police are just now deciding to open up a formal investigation of what happened down there, the incompetent jack-asses. If it wasn't for Will and that bird-loving freak of a gym leader, you'd probably be sitting in a cell by now. Oh, which reminds me. "

She dug into her purse and fished out a note. Kris stared at the paper and back at Karen, who shrugged. " Before Mr. Doofus was pulled away, he gave me this note to give to you. Since he tends to go on with his philosophical babble, I spared you the time and read it myself. In a nutshell he said that this part of Kanto can be a bit tough, yadda-yadda-yadda, and he's appointing Miss Meeper to join you in your travels for some time. Guess he thought you needed a babysitter. "

" *What* ? " Kris jumped to her feet, knocking Yellow off of her. " He expects this little girl to watch over me ? "

" Ahaha, you've got a lot to learn, hun. Schwarz is a year older than you. "

Another "what" surfaced upon the young trainer's lips, but it was never uttered, stuttered, or cried out in pure shock. Instead she slid back down on the soft grass. Karen cackled and walked away toward the police cars. Meanwhile, Yellow decided to also sit back down and attached herself to Kris's jacket, rubbing her eyes in the process. As the small, straw-covered girl took her nap against the warm cotton, Kris closed her eyes and screamed in silence. Again did another afternoon end horribly, again another potential nemesis was created. The budged would have to strain itself for two plus pokemon, unless "Mr. Doofus" wanted to be involved with funding. Later on it would be dinnertime, and meeping was insufficient communication. Trouble lurked.

Oh, great Mew in the sky, how trouble lurked.

End


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26 : Silph, Copycat, and Sabrina

_FINALLY, I FINISH ! x-x *dies* I've been working on this chapter since _June. _Not very good progress. D: But um...yes, it is done ! Even though it was a bit rushed toward the end, but I'm not complaining. xD Yay~_

* * *

_Saffron City - Shining, Golden Land of Commerce - Leave your trash here, you'll die._

A bubbly waitress with the sickening bouncy, blonde hair exited from the kitchen with a pad and pencil. She was beautiful and a perfectionist, going to one of the few colleges in Johto to become a people doctor. Floods of love letters came into her mailbox on a weekly basis, along with fan mail and freshly-cut flowers. Her strong appeal to others even landed her a spot on several talkshows. It wasn't hard being a Mary-Sue at all. Everything was easy for her.

Several regulars grinned at her as she passed their tables. She smiled back, showing off a ridiculous set of dimples and plump cheeks. If one person's day could be highlighted by a smile, then all of that backbreaking labor was worth it. All she had to do now was take the orders of whomever sat at Table 28. Then she would be free to go home and curl up on the couch with her Sentret. All in a day's work.

She walked over to Table 28, where her smile faltered a bit. Two girls were bickering between themselves, and the waitress could've sworn that the short girl was attempting to climb over the table. It had been a while since she dealt with oddball customers, but her job was to serve and not judge. She approached Kris, the smile back in place. " 'Scuse me, loves, but are you ready to order ye- "

Yellow pounded the table with an angry grunt. Kris turned to the waitress with furrowed eyebrows. " Guess I'll have a ham sandwich. No cheese, go crazy on the pickles. And stop staring at us like a couple of freaks. We're not perfect, lady. "

" Okay. What about your friend ? "

" Sheesh, you had to ask. " Turning to Yellow, " What do you want ? "

The waitress was treated to another round of arguing, this time the meeping being more frantic and impatient. A sweatdrop formed on her face for the first time in several years. There had been many times when she had dealt with freaks, but never to this extent. It was like a wave of intensity crashing down on her, and she could find her fans staring at her. That slimy feeling hurt. Bad.

One of the menus was thrown across the table. She attempted to ignore it, focusing her gaze on the two girls. More staring became focused on her, gawking at the sweatdrops popping up around her face. Sweat started to drip down her neck, another unusual occurrence. A horrible thought ran across her head of wilder days. Tight-skinned clothing, accessorized with cigarettes and edgy men driving into her parents' backyard with motorcycles. Those were the best studs.

When the salt shaker flew by her head, she jumped out of her thoughts. She redirected her attention back at Kris. " 'Scuse me, she ready to order ? "

" Just a sec. "

" Meep ! Meep ! Meep ! "

" Woman, why don't you speak normal ? "

" Well, sweetie, if she needs more time..."

" Meeeeep ! "

" I hate you so much ! "

" Meep meeeep meep ! "

" Fine ! Y'know what ? As long as you act like a filthy foreigner I'mma treat you like one ! You're gonna have a cheeseburger ! "

" Meep ! Meep ! Meep ! Meep ! "

The woman was tapped on the shoulder. Kris glared at her. " She'll have a cheeseburger. "

" Are you sure that's what she wants ? She don't look too awfully happy..."

" Yes, I'm sure. Get her the cheeseburger. "

" Positi- "

_" GET HER A MEWDAMMED CHEESEBURGER ! "_

All of the sweatdrops grew giant-sized. The waitress skittered to the kitchen, trying to hide her flushing. Kris sighed and put her head in her hands, shutting her eyes to at least pretend that she was all alone in the world. All of her earlier suspicions were confirmed. They were only traveling together for a day, and Yellow already proved to be a horrible companion. That pipsqueak was nothing but demanding, uncaring, and difficult. From the Underground Path onward, she was stared at by more people than when she was traveling alone. Miss Mary-Sue just happened to be one of the recent gawkers, which just made Kris more miserable. That woman just_ had _to ask what Yellow wanted to eat. It became harder and harder not to snap with each meep that came out of that little mouth. Why did Will have to put her with such a creep ?

She lifted up her hand a tad so she could glare at the pipsqueak. Yellow gave her a blank stare, more interested with finding out what the place mat tasted like than how much Kris hated her. This was that kind of atmosphere they'd been having for the past day - a silent inferno raging and just begging to go out with maximum force. Maybe it was all a set-up by the natural forces to drive her closer to the edge of insanity, and Yellow was a demon disguised as an oddball teenager. As soon as she had the chance, that demon would be placed into a pit of nothingness.

Eventually the waitress came back with their food, recomposed and smiling that overperky smile. Placing the plates on the table, she tapped her nails on the surface and waved at the two ladies. Kris groaned, and shooting another glare, Yellow clutched at her cheeseburger and started to nibble on it. Not surprisingly, the waitress was brought into the world of tension, though she didn't seem to notice. Instead, she stood there for a few seconds, watching over them like a couple of psycho freaks.

It was a bad mistake. Yellow snapped and threw the cheeseburger at the waitress's face. Silence poured over the entire restaurant as everyone turned his or her attention to Table 28. Kris was torn between exploding and cracking up with evil laughter. Pickles soaked in mustard were dripping from the shiny, ebony curls, and a couple of tomatoes had smeared the rosy blush. Everyone who knew the waitress well could see that nothing good could come out of the situation. Face filled with fury, her hands balled into fists, she nearly punched the table with rage. Yellow squeaked and dove under the table, clinging to Kris's legs. The world of tension broke into mainstream, and Miss Mary-Sue threw her apron to the floor. " That's it ! I'm tired of dealing with this b.s. ! " she cried, taking out her bobby-pins and fake nails. " I'm going to party all night and go visit Ricardo ! He knows how to dish out the goods ! "

People continued to stare at her as she threw off her uniform to show a revealing outfit. Putting on a pair of shades, she waved to everyone before dashing off to the unknown places of Saffron. Kris stared at her ham sandwich, then down at Yellow, then back at her sandwich again. Weirdos like that waitress always ruined her appetite. " Let's go, you. I'm not hungry anymore. "

" Meep ! "

* * *

Five minutes later Yellow was on her back, gnawing at her straw hat as they roamed the streets of Saffron. Kris couldn't grip onto a reason why she was giving her senior a piggyback ride. There wasn't a lot she had to remember five minutes ago or that she _could_ remember. There was the sandwich. A thick piece of ham, laying between two coats of soaked pickles and two pieces of toasted bread. A cheeseburger thrown at the crazy waitress's face. That sandwich, thrown across some bald guy's head as they left. And then there was that bald guy shouting after them, calling the two girls some choice words. Nothing important.

Nothing important except now she had about sixty or seventy pounds heaving on her back. With a grunt Kris tossed Yellow into a patch of grass, straw hat still halfway in mouth. Yellow growled and clawed in the air, attempting to grab Kris's jean cuffs. It was like having a rabid pokemon that couldn't be tamed. If only she could've caught Yellow in a poke ball.

That wasn't a bad idea, actually. There were strict laws within the Nintendo universe that prohibited trainers from having more than six pokemon strapped to a belt, yet Yellow wasn't registered in the Pokedex. Kris saw trainers with seven, even eight poke balls at a time. If foreigners could get away with it, then she could, too.

This was the basis for her next move. Her hand crept into her pocket for a rusty ultra ball, stolen from the Underground Path...

...and she threw it at the back of Yellow's head.

_" ERROR. ERROR. FILTHY BLUENETTE ATTEMPTING TO CATCH WILD SQUIRREL, "_ the ultra ball rumbled as it bounced to the ground, preparing itself for subsequent exploding. _" PREPARE FOR THE KABOOMS AND THE SEXY SPAZMATICZOIDS. **CHYEAH, RICE SWORD ~! **"_

The promised explosion immediately followed after, shooting out ash and rice at Kris's face. Yellow turned around and cackled, while a man in a mail carrier's uniform tugged on his satchel. By now they were in front of the Silph Co. building, which seemed to be made entirely out of glass. While Kris clawed her face to take off the debris, the man gazed down at Yellow and smiled. " Hi, little lady. How are you doing today ? " he asked, eyes twinkling behind a pair of horn-rims.

_" Chyeah, rice sword ! "_

" ...me too. "

Kris opened one eye, gawking. Mr. Mail Carrier grinned and stuffed one hand into his satchel. With his other hand, he waved at the building. " I'm a generic mail carrier for the Saffron area, but I'm also a generic evening guard for the building...the Silph building. You do know that this building is a very important one, yes. "

" Yeah, sure. "

" Great, great. So I won't have to use this. "

Mr. Mail Carrier pulled out a gun from his satchel and dangled it from his fingers. His eyes made a brief glance at Yellow, who meeped and hid behind Kris. It wasn't too surprising to bump into someone with a gun anymore ; the stench, however, was almost tear-jerking. Kris had to cover her nose from jerking those tears as Mr. Mail Carrier continued to twirl his gun. " Yep, yep. We used to have a lot of tourist folk up and down these stairs here at Silph. Best time of my life. I'd deliver mail her in the noontime, and work security during the nighttime. Shot three people in their legs, so wonderful. And then those Rocket goons got in. "

He sighed. " Mr. President got real paranoid after that, he did. The Rocket goons and the hero boy, Red, messed the inside up pretty badly. So Mr. President closed visitors. No one comes in without authorization. Or they'll get shot. "

Yellow meeped again. Mr. Mail Carrier flashed another smile, tapping the trigger. " Just a friendly reminder. Sorry to spoil your dreams. "

" I'm shattered in my spirits, " Kris muttered.

" Ahh, but don't be too disappointed. Since you've come all this way hoping to explore this magnificent building, I shall part you with a gift you'll enjoy ! " A bulky box poofed in his hands, which he thrusted into Kris's arms. " That's called an Up-Grade, ma'am. Made by Silph, has some mysterious powers that even _we_ haven't discovered yet ! And it's not even for sale right now ! Just because I think you're purty I'll let you have the first prototype ! "

" Ugh. Why does it weigh so much ? "

_" BECAUSE ! ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY FORCES OF SILPH ! "_ Pause. " Now out you go ! Ge' off my sidewalk ! "

-shove!-

* * *

(Copycat)

Kris dragged the heavy Up-Grade as she walked, Yellow trotting after her. Neither had any idea what the mysterious box contained, since neither had a Pokedex, yet neither really cared. It was one more heavy thing to lug around in the universe, and it didn't have the qualities of a chew-toy that Yellow desired. Thus, when a few minutes passed, the Up-Grade was tossed in a local garbage can, never to be seen until forty years later by an elderly Mr. Mail Carrier.

After that they turned the corner, passing by a small house that was behind Silph. A girl around nine or ten was sitting on a sidewalk, chewing on a rubber band. When Yellow clung onto Kris's pants, Kris was surprised that her companion was growling at something. It was low and rough, but a growl nonetheless. As they were about to pass her, the girl hopped from her seat and spun around until she looked identical to Kris. Creeped out Kris raised an eyebrows. " ...hi. "

" Hi ! " the girl replied.

" Um, what's up ? "

" What's up ? "

" Huh ? I asked you. "

" No, I asked you. "

" I didn't say anything. "

" You said everything. "

" I said anything ? "

" You said nothing. "

The fake Kris beamed at her counterpart before she spotted Yellow. Immediately she turned back into the ponytailed girl with the ugly, dude-like shirt and jean shorts and glared down at the blonde. " We meet again, Schwarz. "

" Chyeah, rice sword ! "

" Still no real English skills, huh ? "

Kris gawked at the two girls, scratching her head in confusion. The girl turned back at her, pointing a finger at herself. " I am the magnificent Copycat ! " she bellowed. " I can take on many disguises and personas, even the most elusive of folkpeople, and I have not succumbed to failure ! " A few tears trickled from her eyes, and she swung her pointing figure to Yellow. " Trouble has crossed my path, however, and it is because of this _abomination_ ! We met on the pier in Vermilion, became good chums that day, and then she took what is rightfully mine and threw it into the water ! "

" Meep ! Meep ! Meep ! "

" It is _so_ true ! You got mad at me and threw poor Cleffi down the drain ! And, and then you don't even apologize ! You just meep and gnaw on that straw hat of yours ! "

" Meep ! "

" Uh-huh ! " Copycat's cheeks flushed as she took a step back. " You can just _admit _it ! From the moment I showed Cleffi to you, you hated him ! All you wanted to do was chew his head off ! But I said no, and you got mad, and then we started to fight, and then...and then you threw him in the water, baaaawwww ! "

She tackled Yellow to the ground, and the two girls grunted as they clawed at each other, their squeals sounding like a rabid Furret's. Bob came out of his poke ball, dazed and confused, but not in his usual drugged-up way. On Kris's grumpy command he used Vine Whip on Yellow and suspended her in the air, amused at how she was punching the imaginary Seel and missing. Copycat attempted to lunge at her, but the Chikorita rose his hostage out of her reach. When the girl tried to attack again, she managed to take down one of Yellow's sandals, much to Kris's bemusement.

It wasn't until the fourth try that Kris finally popped the question. " Who the hell is Cleffi ? "

Two pairs of angry eyes reflected on her. Copycat put a hand on her hips and scowled. " Of course_ you _wouldn't know, outsider. He's my lover, duh. My beloved, my lord, the exotic Othello to my spankin' Desdemona ! Cleffi, the handsomest of all poke dolls ! "

" ...did you just say 'poke doll' ? "

" Duh ! He's Cleffi the Carnivorous Clefairy ! "

Kris blinked. Bob also blinked and loosened his grip on Yellow, who dropped to the sidewalk. The Chikorita tapped on his poke ball and scurried inside, sensing fury in his irritable trainer. Many questions swirled in said trainer's head. Why did she always meet freaks ? Did Copycat ever get away with identity theft ? Had Yellow always been a social reject ? And why the _hell_ were they obsessed with a poke doll, especially a Clefairy ? Clefairy may have been cute and fluffy, but they were also pesty a-holes, fond of throwing Moon Stones at people. It sickened Kris.

So when something was jiggling in her bag, she was quite surprised to find the Clefairy doll with a note attached to it. Rather girly handwriting with swirls. Small. Smelled like pedobears. _Thought this would come in handy, sweetiecakes. Woulda kept it but that thing kept starin' at me. Toodle-oodle~ xoxo_ The familiar germs of the Pokemon Fanclub's president haunted Kris, and she quickly tossed it at Copycat's head.

" Cleffi ! " The dude-like girl clutched at the poke doll and squeezed it, giggling. She scampered off to her house, returning the favor by tossing a laminated piece of paper at Kris.

_" CONGRATULATIONS ! YOU HAVE OBTAINED THE MAGNET PASS ! "_

" ~ now ineffective 'til the electricity comes on ! Boom-boom-boom ! "

" Graaaah..."

" Meep ! "

* * *

(Sabrina)

After a few long and unnecessary trips to the public bathroom, post office, and vending machine, the two girls reached the Saffron Gym. It was dark and depressing, small gargoyles guarding the entrance on both sides. The building, painted that grim black, had a roof that curled upward like an elf's shoe ; the flowers planted on its grounds were shriveled with neglect. By now none of this fazed Kris at all, only prompting a weak yawn at the sight of the gym.

Yellow didn't have as much strength, pawing at the trainer's leg. Kris rolled her eyes and allowed her senior to hold her hand as they entered the odd building. The inside wasn't much cheerier than the outside, greeting the girls with a dismal reflection of themselves with a cracked mirror. Floors and doors were marbled, polished, and as black as the paint. And sitting in a rocking chair, stroking an Abra poke doll with a couple of fingers, was Sabrina.

She seemed to be half-asleep, sucking on what looked like a candy cane, her navy eyes jumping back and forth from sight to sight. If nothing creeped out Kris before, this did. Sabrina was unfocused, mild-looking, and distant, yet she showed signs that she was very attentive to everything. When Kris made brief eye contact with her, feelings of dark amusement and lustful intentions reached the brains, and the girl noted that this woman was not only a psychic, but a possible prostitute. And a bored one at that, waiting to play with something or someone.

A few minutes passed. Sabrina set down the Abra and stood up, gesturing for the girls to come forth. They did, and Kris noticed just how long Sabrina's hair was, running down the back like green snakes. The gym leader yawned, eyes now focused on Kris only. " I've been waiting for you. "

" What ? "

" I've been waiting for you, " Sabrina repeated. She reached out to touch the young trainer's face with obsidian fingernails. Three fingers rose and wiggled. " Three years. Three years I've waited for you, counting each day since I had the vision. It's been over a thousand days, you know. Tiring days of training, tiring nights of having phone chats with the gym leader from Pewter City...sometimes it's exhausting playing with pokemon and boys. "

" Meep ? "

" Oh, yes, he's still a boy. Heh. " A smile crept on Sabrina's lips. " Ahhh, but I don't enjoy battling very much. It's a waste of time. Do you know how many hours of the sex, drugs, and rock and roll I could fit into my schedule if it weren't for battling ? "

" No, I would rather not. "

" Fine. It's a slim figure, anyway. "

They met eyes again, and Kris wondered how someone could be so calm with talking about these subjects. Sabrina leaned against what seemed to be just air, tapping her fingers against the imaginary surfaces. A platform rose slightly above the floor, which the gym leader stepped upon with no waste. Walking toward its farther side, she beckoned Kris to join her on the opposite side. It wasn't the best way to approach someone for a battle, but in the world of Nintendo, anything went.

Sabrina : Come forth, Espeon.  
(Espeon pops out.)  
Kris : You know the drill, right, Bob ?  
(Bob pops out.)

Sabrina : Use Agility !  
(Espeon runs in circles. Speed goes up !)  
Kris : Uhh...Vine Whip !  
-Bzzt. Bzzt.-  
(Challenger spins in circles ! Bob uses Vine Whip...and misses !)  
Sabrina : Confusion !  
(Espeon uses Confusion ! Bob loses 1/4 HP ! Bob is now confused !)  
Kris : F-k. Use Stun Spore !  
-Bzzt. Bzzt.-  
(Bob uses Stun Spore ! Espeon and Challenger are now paralyzed !)  
(Challenger and Espeon fall to the ground ! Espeon is no longer able to battle !)  
Sabrina : My mistake, dear Espeon. I did not mean to do that. Go, Mr. Mime.  
(Mr. Mime pops out.)  
Kris : Tackle !  
(Bob is still confused ! Bob tackles himself !)  
Kris : o-o How is that possible ?  
Sabrina : Psychic !  
(Mr. Mime uses Psychic. Bob rises 20 feet into the air and slams into a wall ! Bob is unable to battle !)  
Kris : Lame. Why don't we try you, Misty ?

(Misty pops out.)  
Misty : Sudo !  
Sabrina : Confusion, once more.  
(Mr. Mime uses Confusion...and misses !)  
Kris : Rock Throw !  
(Misty uses Rock Throw ! Mr. Mime loses 1/2 HP !)  
Sabrina : Agility !  
Kris : Uh...Rock Throw again !  
-Bzzt. Bzzt.-  
(Misty uses Explosion ! Both parties are unable to battle !)  
Kris : !  
Sabrina : Heh, well, now that that's settled...let us win, Al !  
(Alakazam pops out.)  
Kris : Uhh...  
Sabrina : I have a sense that victory shall be coming soon. Prepare to protect your dreams and soul while you're sleeping.

Kris : What the hell is that supposed to mean ?  
Sabrina : Perhaps everything. Perhaps nothing. But your midget friend's welcome to join me in that fun.  
Kris : . . .  
(Steve pops out.)  
Kris : o-o Sabrina : Psywave !  
(Al uses Psywave ! Steve...dodges ?)  
(Steve uses Metronome ! A giant wave rushes down on Al ! Al loses 1/2 HP !)  
Al : o-o . . .  
**_PSYCHIC ENERGYYYYYY !_**  
Al : x-x

(Sabrina is unable to battle ! Kris wins the match !)

" KRIS WINS MARSHBADGE ! " the voice from the sky announced.

Sabrina grimaced and rushed to the other side of the platform, where Kris was struck in utter confusion. Steve had waddled over to the sidelines and stared at Yellow with its beady eyes. It was an odd encounter, but soon the Togepi was circling Yellow's hat, chirping happily, and Yellow was meeping in the same tune. Kris didn't want to think about what just happened, or what was happening, or how a pokemon could be so happy after half-frying an Alakazam. When she stole a glimpse at the gym leader, the same thoughts could be read even without telepathy.

" Wow. I've tried to practice hiding emotions, but your eggy one is a bit demented, " Sabrina murmured. " I'd suggest you keep a closer eye on it than me. "

" Yeah, I have..."

" Looks like I'll go back to my R-rated phone chats for a while longer. "

" Um...yeah. See you later. "

With a few long strides, Kris grabbed Yellow by the shirt and ran out of the gym. Steve dropped from the hat and ran after them, eager for more torture. It was just another crazy day in Kris's life, but she wanted to at least escape from the sex-driven thoughts that kept pestering her ever since she entered the gym...

End


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter 27 : KPF, Lavender Town, and Power Plant

_Heh. I beat my expectations. I said I'd get the update done in Februrary, and it's January 29th. xD Yays. _

_Um...um...I dunno what else to say. . Enjoy, prosper, and bask in the pokemon glow. ...now Imma get some snackies. *poof*  
_

* * *

(KPF)

" The map...Mew, I never realized how much this map _sucks._ Guess we'll have to make a pit stop in Lavender Town. Running outta soap. "

" Ma...ma...meep ! "

Both girls sighed. As they walked along the zigzag pattern that was Route 8, Yellow began to read a book picked up from somewhere, _A-B-Cs for Foreigners_. The meeping one gurgled and clicked her tongue, fingering the pictures with interest. Her eyes lit up at the sight of the map, and she tugged on Kris's sleeve to show her the crudely-drawn paper. Kris glared at it for a second, then looked away and snorted. She preferred not to see any maps, real or pictured.

It was pleasant not to have Yellow run in circles or bite on the straw hat, though. Instead the girl was at least making an attempt at becoming a functional citizen of society. Who knew where she had picked up the book from, but at least it was doing what all of the professionals who were paid six figures a year couldn't - keeping her distracted. Meanwhile, Kris was having all of the emotions she felt when she was flying solo - frustration, sanity, and a whopping sense of hunger. So much for ever progressing into puberty and upper A-cups.

Soon they passed one of the crumbled interests to the Underground Path. Obvious that a clean-up crew hadn't yet driven through the route, loose debris tickled the girls' noses and created sneezing. Somehow the S page was of a young boy sneezing out greenish boogies into a tissue, delighting Yellow. Kris was bemused, though, sensing something wasn't right. Despite her hatred for Nintendo, she reached for Bob's poke ball and furrowed her eyebrows. Although the Underground Path went explody and squashed a lot of people, it didn't mean that all crooks and con-artists were completely gone from the area.

And as the debris cloud vanished, her senses proved to be right. Three rough bikers were driving their motorcycles around a giant boulder, appearing to be spinning around thick metal chains in the air. They looked to be a group of brothers, matching their bald spots, rough heads, and pink fringes on the vests they wore. Either they belonged to a motorcycle gang or someone was attempting to deliver a box of Dr. Pepper to the security gates. Kris suspected the former, noting earlier that the traffic in this route was low. She also had a feeling that they were complete morons. Nothing cried out moron like a finger shoved three inches up the nose.

The bikers continued to ride for about five more minutes before finally noticing the girls. One of them, probably the oldest, hopped off his cycle and waddled toward Kris. He grabbed a clump of hair and sniffed it, showing off mild congestion. Another biker pulled on Yellow's straw hat, only to be nearly bitten by the meeper. Kris heard the blonde's low growls as the third biker advanced toward them with his chain. He appeared to be no older than twenty but was bolder and meatier than his older siblings. His nose also seemed to be closer to a Slowpoke's nostrils, small and spaced far apart. Those nostrils snorted at the two girls and the slitted eyes squinted. " Ergh. I heard you two threw down at the Underground a while a-go, " he growled.

Kris rolled her eyes. " Yeah. It's only been, like, two days. "

" Yeergh. You two from Johto ? "

" I am. No idea where what's-her-face came from before this. "

" Meep ! "

" Eryeergh. M' name's Zeke. We dun take too kindly to Johto folk, typically a cup' of medd'some chicks. This is'th Kanto Pokemon Fed'ation. An' me an' m' brothers, Dwayne an' Harris, take our positions seriousrah. Betcha scared uh these chains. "

" Nah. I'm more scared of - Dwayne, is it ?- getting me 's really hard to get good cough medicine at eleven. "

_" ERRRGH ! "_

Zeke struck his chain at a tree, which propelled splinters in all directions at contact. Kris attempted to eye some means of escape, but the giant lug Dwayne was blocking her view. Likewise, Harris was hindering Yellow's view of the clouds above them. These may have been moronic bikers, but they were also (unintentionally) clever masterminds. Clever, foul-smelling masterminds. And Zeke was the leader of the pack, that meaty, baldy Slowpoke with a destructive chain. If life didn't want to take out the two girls at the moment, it was a pretty cruel lifeforce messing with their heads.

Just as Dwayne reached for Kris's arms and held them behind her back, one of her poke balls dropped to the ground and opened. Bob popped out, staring dazedly at all of the commotion. Three bikers gawked at the Chikorita as he lowered his eyelids and fell back asleep. By the way his leaf shook and curved, Kris could tell that he had managed to get high in his poke ball again. She rolled her eyes in disgust ; Yellow started to growl again, more so at Bob than the bikers. Unresponsive, Bob did not notice Yellow's meeping glares. He did, however, pay slight attention to Zeke's gasps and stutters. " That there's a Johto pok'mon ! " he squealed. " I always knew your kind was prone to trainin' witchcraft ! Dwayne, Harris - chain 'em up ! "

POOF !~

Yellow's Dodrio popped out of his poke ball in a rage, stomping and rubbing his feet back and forth. He charged at Harris, flapping wings like saw blades, and tackled the man to the side of the road. Still in his massive grip, Yellow toppled with him, her hat flying in the opposite direction. With two ponytails now showing, she meeped in terror and began kicking Harris's legs. Zeke had to pull her from his middle brother in order to get to that stupid ostrich. When she flew in the air, she was reunited with her hat, and she reached for another poke ball.

An even angrier Raticate popped out and rushed toward Dwayne, deciding to viciously tear at the man's pants. Kris was released as her captor was trying to hide a kitty-themed pair of boxers. Grabbing Bob she ran to Yellow's side and watched the pokemon terrorize the KPF's trio. It was rare that she had ever seen such wild pokemon, even in the wild itself. Whatever Yellow did to make those pokemon ruthless fighters, it worked. Zeke watched in horror as one brother was being trampled and the other being torn from limb to limb. Their howls and pleas only made the pokemon chortle, reminding Kris that it was not wise to make a foreigner p.o.'ed. Nor was it wise to stare at all of the turmoil created by this mess.

Eventually the chaos came to a halt. Two bikers were severely injured, while their younger brother hung from the tree, unconscious. Pleased with their work, Dodrio and Raticate ran to Yellow and began to shower her with loyal affection, hugging, pecking, and nuzzling. Yellow returned the favor with nips, scratching, and joyous meeping. Kris attempted to ignore the lovefest as she smirked at Mr. Zeke. Swirlies replaced his eyes, and a small stream of drool flowed down the side of his mouth. She was still amazed at how Dodrio flung the biker from the ground to one of the higher tree branches. Passing out was the ultimate result, yet he also accomplished the feat of wetting his pants. If Yellow could ever learn how to write, this would make a great accomplishment on her resume. A great accomplishment indeed.

* * *

(Lavender Town)

Ghosts. Or more specifically, ghost paraphernalia. This posthumous atmosphere crushed the two girls as they walked into Lavender Town. Kris began to think that Kanto was on par with Johto in terms of the amount of crazy people. Lavender was unlike the places they visited so far in the region - heavy on Japanese influences and fresh, lavender-smelling. It was also a small town, but appearances always loved to be deceiving. From the constant tombstones, to the oodles of charms and crosses, the painting's outlook was deemed as depressing.

An old pauper with a hooked nose and a potato sack as a dress approached them, holding a second sack. Waving the sack around, she cackled and wiped her nose. " Welcome, kiddies. I am that generic hobo lady that sometimes follows trainers. Would you like some of my sacky cookies ? They ward off all kinds of creepy-crawlies and ghosties, and they only cost $14.99 a cookie ! Quite a bargain for some special abilities, huh ? Kekeke..."

Yellow clung to Kris's leg, who sighed and pulled out her Trainer Card. She stared at the hooked nose, wondering if the old woman stole it from a pirate. Maybe she _was _a pirate, disguised as an old Zubat to sell something in a sack. Or maybe she was just crazy. Either way, it was coming out of Kris's pocket. " Okay, lady, lemme get it straight. Now if I buy your cookies, will they keep you the hell away from us ? "

" Quite possibly. "

" And do I have to eat the cookies ? "

" It's not recommended. Kekeke..."

" Fine. Let's do this. "

Kris swiped the Trainer Card across the sack and clipped three cookies to her belt. As the old woman began to start walking again, two old men wearing Gastly t-shirts started to stumble toward them. Not surprisingly, Yellow snatched one of the cookies and threw it at the men. The cookie flew across the taller one's wig and knocked it to the floor, prompting him to run back in the other direction. Meanwhile, the shorter one whimpered and crouched behind a tombstone. " Young kids are crazy these days ! All we wanted to do was to talk to Mr. Fuji about Ghostfest, and we get attacked by crazy cookies ! "

He glared at Yellow. The meeper clawed again to Kris's leg and hid her face under her hat. Kris raised an eyebrow. " Ghostfest ? "

" Yeah. " Pointing to his t-shirt, his finger emphasized on the Gastly. " Every year we come here to play games, eat spicy combo meals, and chuck stuff at ghosts. It's oodles of fun - I've attended twenty-five Ghostfests so far. And Mr. Fuji is probably one of the best ghost-warders I know. He always organizes Ghostfests, and he builds gravesites for the pokemon who die. In fact I heard that he plans to expand his services with this upcoming Ghostfest. You whippersnappers oughta be more grateful. "

" Uh-huh. And where is this old guy ? "

_" He is not an old gu- "_

" I'll throw you in the trash ! Where is he ? "

" -eep. He lives right by the old Radio Tower. Please don't throw me out. "

" Fine. Lessgo, Yellow. "

" Meep ! "

Sweatdrops. Pauses. Silence.

Two girls, one house.

The scene vaguely reminded Kris of an old horror movie she watched from before training days. There was a former place called Oklahoma where farmers reigned and cowboys beat their foes with handy-dandy bibles. What caught her attention was a shady house in front of an abandoned diner, old and raggedy. Every day an old man stepped outside to offer children candy, and every night those children would never return home. And the farmers and cowboys didn't care, as they were devoted to their most trusted elder. Eventually they all disappeared, the entire town was eventually turned to one large gravesite.

Besides the location and lack of cowboys, Mr. Fuji's house was reminiscent of the one in Oklahoma. That windmill in the back yard was creaky, and the roof was missing a few shingles. Even the small patches of wildflowers and weeds were the same as the one in the movie. It just needed that creepy soundtrack with the synthesizer.

When Kris and Yellow barged in, Mr. Fuji was munching on his snacks, some snickerdoodles. He, too, was similar to that old man. A thick bathrobe and beard. Bald head, with a couple of white strands. His demeanor was not as warm as the movie's, though, furrowing his eyebrows at the two girls." Mewdamned whippersnappers always trying to steal stuff from my fudging home. The hell you want, some stale cookies ? Maybe ya wanna give this crazy geezer a sponge bath ? I gots no sponges, bitches ! "

" ...you in charge of Ghostfest, geezer ? "

" Betcha I am. "

_TACKLE !_

_" YOU CANCEL GHOSTFEST RIGHT NOW ! "_

Mr. Fuji coughed up something clear that looked like an organ. He sat back up, steadying himself on the wooden floor. " You crazy, girlie ? Ghostfest is my only source of income here ! " he barked. " You think I get money from burying pokemon and cleanin' up their poo ? That crazy hook-nosed woman gets more money than that ! If I play my cards right, this year's Ghostfest oughta send me to Hollywood ! The plan will let me expand my services to New Bark Town in Johto an- "

" NO ! "

" No ? "

" Yeah, no. " Kris placed a hand on her hip, outraged. " If you even try to set your foot in my town, I will throw you in the trash ! "

" ...and where am I supposed to set up my business, girlie ? "

A smirk spread across Kris's face. Yellow was confused at the expression, but she went along with the girl's mood. It didn't take her long at all to find a place for Mr. Fuji. All she had to remember was the one who followed her to Kanto and struck her with that "present." When she told Mr. Fuji her alternative, he made no objectives. And when they left his house, Kris didn't think of the doomed townspeople, delighted in her revenge. Ghostfest would come as planned, but neither of them would be in Lavender. Within a few months, the expansion would start, and the Violet City Gym would receive a new neighbor. One crazy, grave-obsessed neighbor.

* * *

(Power Plant)

" Graah. "

" Meep ! "

Once again Kris was giving Yellow a piggyback ride, once again for reasons unknown. Since both of her water pokemon were asleep, she had to wade in the water to reach Kanto's power plant. What idiot plotted out the location, she didn't know, nor did she know why she was doing that old geezer a favor. He was glad that he wasn't going to spend the night with the fishies, yet he was still a cocky geezer. In exchange for some cruddy flute, she had to go fix whatever problems the power plant had. If she fixed the plant, the Magnet Train would work, and she could finally travel between Kanto and Johto. There was also the thought of Falkner being terrorized if Fuji's proposal was approved.

So she waded.

Two police cars were mysteriously parked outside of the building. A couple of policemen sat on top of one of the cars, eating doughnuts. Kris wiped some water off her pants, knocked Yellow back on her feet, and walked past the officers. Neither cop cared about the girls' presence, talking about the recent football game as they slurped at their coffee. Kris rolled her eyes, not wanting to deal with idiotic babbling. She just pushed her meeping companion inside and hoped for the best.

That hope was shot. Another police officer was trying to console a bawling man with a giant nosedrip. From the look of things, both of them were hopeless idiots, which didn't surprise Kris. Next to them was a smaller figure wearing a detective's cape and clutching a giant magnifying glass. His arrogant smile and pasty face were all that was needed for the girl's disposition to sour. As his gaze met hers, that sourness just deepened and boiled. " Heyyy, Kris ! Kris, it's you ! My, my, you seem to have developed even mo- "

_PUNCH !_

" Caramel. We meet..._again._"

Gold rubbed his bruised nose and pouted, taking a quick glance at Yellow. " Yeah. I'm here to help solve the mystery of the creepy Power Plant, capitals used for some dirty emphasis. Apparently some guy broke in and ran off with a generator part. Made the plant kinda go boom, since their Zapdos escaped from here three years ago. They all thought it was me, but these parts are too heavy for a macho man like me to carry. So Imma investigate. Guess you are, too ? "

" ...sure. "

Behind them Mr. Nosedrip was wailing, " Children ? Why are there children here ? Children aren't supposed to be here, BAWWW. "

The boy rolled his eyes, flicking something off from his cape. He turned his attention back to Yellow and beamed, showing off his pearly whites like a creepy, old person. " So, who's this, Kris ? " he asked. " Is she a friend of yours ? She's so cute. She's so fluffy. Better-smelling than you, too, like some kinda cheeseburger. Is she, like, seven ? Can I hold her hand ? I wanna hold her hand- YEEOWW ! "

Yellow chomped down on the boy's hand and drew out a small trickle of blood. While they began a tug-of-war since Yellow refused to release him, Kris focused on the other conversation. By now there was no way to console Mr. Nosedrip, hysterical and brimming with snot. Giant sweatdrops ran down the police officer's head as he was struck with such a high degree of gibberish. " Jeeurrrrgh - d - AUUUUUUGH ! The children ! Children are not supposed to be in a power plant, not even with their blonde monkey ! Giargle ! ADDAAAAAAH ! NUUUUS ! " Pause. " Not supposed to...be in...plant, gaaah. "

He fell to his knees and started up the waterworks again. Mr. Policeman gave a hesitant look, then exchanged a glance with Kris, his eyes insisting that he had to deal with this idiot on a frequent basis. And so in return Kris pitied him, since Mr. Policeman seemed to be very similar to a certain boy she knew. Gold finally wrestled his hands out of Yellow's jaws and was now starting a snotty faucet of his own. All that stupid boy needed was a couple of decades stacked upon his age and some facial hair. Two Mr. Nosedrips.

Two Mr. Nosedrips was the proof she needed to back out of the deal and move in with Green, wherever the hell she lived. A final wave to the stupid cop, she grabbed Yellow's wrist and led them out the entrance. The doughnut-munching officers were now playing Marco Polo with a couple of Magikarp. They were still oblivious to the girls' appearance, more interested in playing with the fishies than doing the duty of low-quality protection. Of course Kris didn't care, still preferring not to deal with imbeciles. According to the Town Map, there were still a lot of land she had to cover. If there was enough time in the day, maybe she could get rid of Yellow's foul cheeseburger odor. Use actual soap...or pokesoap.

Behind them was Gold following, his feet making loud splashing sounds as he stumbled. " Aagh, Mewdammit, why didn't they ever make a bridge so people can get here easier ? These rocks are killing my feet ! " he whined, pulling off his shoes. " Stupid, worn-out shoes. Aagh, this hurts even more, bleh. Kris, can ya gimme a piggyback ride, too ? "

_THUMP !_

" Meep ! "

" Oops, sorry, Yellow. " Kris paused to glare at the boy. " No way. I'm not a freakin' service. And I thought you were playing Detective. "

" ...they kicked me out. "

" Heh. Dummy. "

They glared at each other. Yellow nibbled at her hat as the unspoken tension made its way through like sour cream against a baked potato. Eventually the three of them went on with their wading, continuing that vow of silence. At least until Gold started to mumble to himself. " Why are all of the girls I meet crazy ? Why, why ? And then they call me dummy 'cause I can't play Detective right. Bleh, bleh. Papa always told me not to go for the smart women. Well, I can't do much when the smart one lives right next door. Shoulda moved to Goldenrod. They got real easy girls there. 'Specially that gym leader. She was real easy. Easy like butter. Tasty, greasy butter - _OH BABY !_ "

_" SHUDDUP ! "_

**_RING-RING-RING ! RING-RING-RING !_**

The Pokegear began to buzz and ring beyond Kris's pants pocket. For a few seconds she forgot that she even owned that piece of phone garbage. Then again no one besides Elm called her, and that crackpot was probably chasing around women and stealing panties. Yellow looked bewildered ; so did Gold, but she couldn't figure out who would call her, either. Maybe her mom finally ran out of welfare funds. That woman wasn't in very good standing with the welfare department the last time she checked.

Either way she didn't really care. Entering the phone call, she found out that Mr. Policeman and Mr. Nosedrip had mysteriously gained her number. " Uwaah, young lady, young lady ! " Mr. Nosedrip's snot could somehow be heard under his babbling. " I didn't know you were someone until Mr. Fuji called me and said you like playing Detective. That's so cute. But anyway, girlie, that thief went off to Cerulean ! You can go there and fetch me that part ! Yes, you and your blonde monkey. Thanks a lot, girlie, ja. I'll be sure to get you some biscuits and gravy for your troubles. Toodles~ "

-click!-

" Biscuits and gravy ? Ugh, I hate Kant- "

_" OOH, OOH, CERULEAN ! PICK ME, PICK ME ! "_ Gold fell forward into a pit of mud, but his overenthusiastic grin remained in place. " I always wanted to do another detective mystery. Like me and my lackey, and we're cruising down a road in a wicked sports car with two blondes making eggs in the back seat. I always imagined doing it with someone as cool as that Red guy, but you'd work out, too. Now let's go hop on that sports car and beat the bad guys ! "

" I don't have a sports car ! " Kris snapped.

" Why not ? "

_" ...because I can't drive ?... "_

" Oh. Right. " Gold scratched his head, cheeks turning a slight red. " Well, Imma still work with ya and your crazy frien- YEEOWCH ! "

Kris watched in amusement as the boy ran around in circles, trying to fling the jaws of Yellow from his hand. She merely shrugged, taking a seat on the nearest bench and eying a vending machine. If Gold wanted to attach himself onto them, he could provide the service of chew toy. There was no way she was about to dive into that mess. For once Yellow wasn't terrorizing her, and Gold was finally being smacked around like he deserved. Now onward to Cerulean...sweet, sweet Cerulean.

End


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter 28: Cerulean, Thief, and Misty

_After a long awaited pause from the chill of January, I bring you a new chapter. o wo Um...hooray ? Well, at least I managed to do it. XD Please be aware that some of the things ahead do not make logical sense in the world here, let alone in the pokeworld. Also be aware of that cheesy ending I gave you. D: But um...yay for updating. :D_

* * *

(Cerulean)

"Secret Agent Man...stops the baddies when he ca-an. Gonna go and get some booze. When we're done, we'll have a snoo-ooze. _SECRET AGENT MA-AN, GONNA PICK UP SOME BROADS WHEN HE CA-AN ! NEVER KNOW OUR MORALS ! HOPIN' TO GET SOME ORA-AAH_ !"

A heavy blow to the back of the head knocked Gold off of his borrowed bicycle. Earlier the group came across a wandering Bike Shop owner who was traveling to Goldenrod City. The man didn't hesitate to take three bicycles off his back and gave them the merchandise. Indeed, they were low-quality, rusted bikes, but they would do the job for riding from the route to Cerulean. At least that's what Kris figured. They'd be able to find that stupid Power Plant and move on with life faster than expected, yet there was still something in the picture that was less than pleasant.

Gold plunged headfirst into a bush, sending an angry Caterpie into another home. He choked on several twigs as he rolled from side to side in pain. They weren't too far from the city (or a hospital) now, but just the short time travelling with the boy could make any pokegod insane. From his random outbursts of singing to his constant insults of the female sexuality, it wasn't hard to figure out why his popularity had dipped into the negative scales. Of course, his stupidness also contributed to the major dislike. Halfway in the bush, he flailed and grumbled as he struggled to try and get out of the place. When Caterpie's harsher cousin, Weedle, poked him in the behind with its stinger, the bush almost ripped in two as the boy jumped in mid-air, howling.

Kris and Yellow exchanged a smug look with each other. Seeing Gold dance around with several angry Weedle made even the meeper twitch with a tiny smile. She hopped up and down in amusement, making sure to keep behind her companion in case flying projectiles headed in her direction. Now that the boy was placed into the equation, she had a new playmate to drive crazy. There could only be one top loony that tugged on Kris's sane strings on a daily basis, and Yellow was determined to keep her spot. No womanizing Gold guy was about to dethrone her.

Meanwhile, Kris continued to smirk. It was a mutual decision to stop cycling and watch the battle between pokemon and human. The angry Caterpie came back, this time with three large Caterpie friends. They circled around Gold's legs, cooperating to make an elaborate String Shot from the waist down. It only took the boy a few seconds to realize this before the struggling restarted tenfold. Somehow it seemed that the entire route was laughing at his expense - the Caterpie, the Weedle, even the clouds in the sky. Kris and Yellow almost fell off their bikes from their stomachs almost bursting. Meanwhile, Gold almost burst his stomach from screaming at the top of his lungs.

"Someone help me outta this thing !" he howled, wiggling around the ground. " I know no one can resist my sexy looks and appeal for too long! It's like resisting a pork chop that's being cooked by that American baby...uh, Pamera Apperson ! It's just too sexy ! Right, Kris ? I know _you_ definitely wouldn't pass up a smokin'-hot pork chop ! So, whaddya say and help this smokin' pile of sexiness, huh ? "

_CLONK !_

"Idiot," Kris murmured under her breath.

After a few minutes of arguing, shuffling, and beating, the trio resumed their travels on the bikes. During the remainder of the trip, Gold was considerably quiet. He wasn't too thrilled of the loose, sticky strings that still dangled from his pants, but at least there weren't any more encounters with the angry bug pokemon. Kris and Yellow were still amused at the incident and couldn't help showing off their smiles. This was the best entertainment either of them had in a long while.

Soon they finally reached Cerulean, a city brimming with aquatic fondness. There it held a bit more improvement than other cities Kris had travelled to, but more improvement could've been made. An abandoned Bike Shop, probably owned by that Bike Shop owner, was covered in exploded debris and woodchips. Most of the buildings were painted some shade of tacky blue. The Pokemon Center was no exception with its slanted roof of aquamarine. All of the paint used made Kris wonder how effectively Cerulean used its budget. Probably not very well, considering the rumors that Cerulean was finalizing a deal relating to the casino boats.

Actually, Kris knew her business didn't deal with other cities' squandering, but her mother bought a lot of gossip magazines with her earned money. Surrounding themselves with whatever the hell those East People exported, Cerulean's citizens were a tad gullible to certain vices. Number One's vice was the pleasure of gambling. Because of this knowledge, Mr. Eiffel, Cerulean's mystery mayor, was rumored to make a pact with Celadon City's own Game Corner. Soon Cerulean would be invaded by crazies and East People everywhere, bent on making a few quick bucks with the way of the dice.

All of this development would probably be made within the next couple of remakes, though. The trio stopped across a street from a future vending machine building. There, a guy loitered as he chomped on a candy bar. Next to him was a Slowbro, tall and stiff as its pink mass snoozed upright. Gold cracked a smile as he leaned against his bike and crossed his arms. "Got enough space there for you and all of your imaginary friends, tubby ?" he asked.

The guy turned around in Gold's direction and almost spat out his candy bar. He put the rest of the candy bar in his pocket and wiped the remaining crumbs with the back of his hand. Using the same hand, he promptly shook Gold's own hand, grinning. "Ooh, it's not too often that a young lad wants to see me use my awesome autographing skills ! People just see me as the regular ol' training wannabe. But hey, I've got something to prove my skills !"

A badge with a giant question mark stamped on it suddenly flashed in mid-air. The guy looked satisfied at Gold's confused expression and laughed. "Awestruck by my achievement, eh ? No need to praise my wonder, boy ! I won this beauty in Pewter City, west of here. After battling very bravely with my pokemon, the gym leader decided to reward me. He says to me, 'Random Guy Number 206, I give you this badge if you swear to never set foot here again.' So, I played the mercy card and stayed here. It's obvious he couldn't handle my severe atmosphere of coolness, bro."

"Huh. Just _one_ atmosphere ?"

"HAHAHA. Foolish boy ! You don't know the true potential of battling; that's why you crave my autograph !" Pause, drool. "See that Slowbro ? He's my equally cool partner. Me and Slowbro make an awesome team. Wanna see ?"

"Okay, then ! Slowbro, use Confusion !"

Silence, followed by a stifled snore. The trio watched the guy fluster in surprise, then take out a dull stick from his shirt folds. He poked the Slowbro with it, who woke up with slight confusion, and grinned. "C'mon, Slowbro, you can do it ! Show my fan that cool Confusion that we all know could terrorize an Articuno !'

"Yaawrh ?"

Slowbro raised a paw, scratched its head, and rolled over to its side. It yawned, scratched its head again, and nodded back off to its sleepland. The guy shook his fists and proceeded to scream at the pokemon for the next five minutes. Unaware of the power of headaches with psychic pokemon, the random guy freaked out when Slowbro's eyes suddenly flashed blue and yanked its trainer twenty feet into the air. A few people took pictures of the scene, including Kris with her battered Pokedex and long cable-cord. Very entertaining in future years.

In about ten seconds, the guy was released from the psychic grip and fell to the ground. Slowbro went back to sleep in its stiff pose. Gold chose not to rub his proclaimed superiority in the guy's face for once, instead turning away to stare at a stop sign. Meanwhile, having enough of the nonsense, Kris helped the guy to his feet and pinned him to the wall, despite his low-quality remarks. "Hey, girlie, dun think I noticed you creepin' up here. You want my autograph, too ? But nah, you're just a girl. Heh, a cute one at that. Say, you must be my buddy's boyfriend, right ?"

_PUSH !_

_"YOU SEE A SUSPICIOUS DUdE WITH A GIANT-ASS PACKAGE AROUND HERE ?"_

_"MEEP-MEEP !"_

**_"RIGHT, AND THAT DUDE'S SURE AS HELL NOT _MY_ BOYFRIEND !"_**

"...yes." Pause. Gulp. The man leaned toward Kris and cupped his hands to her ear. He gulped again and whispered, "Dude in black, girlie ? Yeah, I saw him, though I thought he was a casino dealer at first. He broke into the gym, stood in there for maybe five minutes, then crashed out of the back door and headed north, toward Cerulean Cape." Second pause, second gulp, attention now focused on Gold. "Hey, since you're a smart kid, you should probably protect your girl- girliefriend and her pet squirrel. Lotta East People lurking out there. Yuck."

Gold shrugged. "Sure. I look out for *all* the ladies, even the ones who can't seem to keep their hands offa me."

_CHOMP !_

"...or squirrels. Mary of Mew..."

* * *

(Thief)

"Where the hell did you get that hideous thing ?"

"That guy gave it to me. It had his autograph on it. Jealous, Sweetcakes ?"

**_"WHAT'D I TELL YOU ?"_**

"Told me I'm not your boyfriend. So I can wear this if I want."

Gold stuck out his tongue as he pointed to the awful device that was a helmet. It was an ugly shade of purple, blocky and covered in giant rhinestones. After ranting about the dirty East People for several minutes, the random guy sent the trio on their way up north. Now with a helmet, though, the boy seemed to be even cockier than ever as he kicked his bike pedals. "Besides, Kris, you don't know how much of a treasure this helmet is. Did you know it was used as a rock in the setting of Friday Night Hot Flashes ?"

"Did you know that your logic makes zero sense ? And wasn't that movie made in 1977 ?"

" ...can't appreciate anything..."

They continued to bike onward, finally passing the dreaded Nugget Bridge. It was more of an annoying setback according to Kris. In order to get anywhere closer to the thief and that stupid generator part, they had to cross the Nugget Bridge, a creaky bridge spray-painted gold. (And now that she thought about it, maybe Gold's suggestion of wading _under_ the bridge wasn't such a bad idea after all.) Usually when a bridge wanted to be a pest, it had trolls or real-estate agents blocking its path.

Instead they faced a group of kids ranging from six to ten years of age. With their plastic swords and generic pokemon, this group was well-known as the Nugget Pirates. And with Kris's luck, the Nugget Pirates just had to be snot-nosed brats. Not even Yellow could handle the punks. The younger two kids threw golden chocolate coin wrappers at Gold's helmet, which wasn't too bad, then started to throw them at Kris and Yellow. When threats of, "I'll tell your friggin' parents on you !" were made, the two Nugget Pirates jeered back that they were all incestuously related.

The other four kids knew how to be more destructive. A bunch of Rattata and Caterpie used all of their power to torment the trio. String Shots, Scratches, and Tackles were used to shoot rocks and fake nuggets at them. Reluctantly, Yellow used her hat as a shield, deflecting the attacks with the straw figure. Bob and Misty also came out to battle the pirates, arranging a mixture of Razor Leaves and Rock Throws to pelt at them.

Somehow, the attacks didn't affect the little monsters, and it wasn't until the East Monster came that the problem was solved. The trio made no objection nor fight as a giant, purple blob with several tentacles floated on the water and howled like a Gyarados. With just two of its tentacles, the East Monster swatted the Nugget Pirates into the river and suffocated them all under the water and algae. A heavy trail of blood followed to the scene; the East People ignored its mess, seeping back into the river and heading back toward the East. Problem solved.

By now the trio was biking east with no sign of the thief. Gold continued to admire his blocky helmet, fingering all of the gaudy rhinestones and scribbled handwriting. Kris thought that if Gold's ego grew any bigger, the helmet would crush his head and the rest of his senses. Honestly, it was probably doing that already. He boomed like an overconfident salesman, enhancing his awesome and sexy skills right in his head. All he really needed now was a superhero's cape.

As they were about a mere few pedals away from Cerulean Cape, Gold stopped and hopped off his bike. He struck a comical pose as he pointed anywhere and everywhere around a ten mile radius. "Look and behold of this beauty and amazement. Forget being a dashing crime detective. I can be...Super Gold," he breathed. Pause, followed by the others also stopping and Yellow hiding behind Kris's legs. "_I CAN AMAZE AND BEWILDER ALL THE SEXY LADIES WITH MY KICK-ASS HELMET_ !...either of you got a cape ?"

"Meep !"

"Useless women."

Kris rolled her eyes and began to walk toward the cape. From the corner of her eye, she spotted a shadow running toward the lake area. All she could make out was a dirty potato sack, but that was enough of a clue for the girl to pick up her speed, Yellow on her heels. She couldn't care whether Gold followed them or not. If this was the thief (and affiliated with Team Rocket), then he'd definitely be stupid enough to run toward the East. That meant someone would yet again be needed to assist. "Let's go, Bob !" she called.

The poke ball was tossed into the air and out Bob came. Thinking that he was home scot-free for the rest of the day, the Chikorita stumbled in a foggy daze, unaware of what to do. When Yellow's Raticate came out, it pointed out the super-obvious bags that were under Bob's bloodshot eyes. Seeing that Raticate suspected another case of weed usage, Bob began to furiously deny an affair with his love. "Chi chika chi chi chika ka !"

"Raticate ! Raaat-ta-ta raticate !"

Bob turned away, hiding whatever he found to be suspicious with his leaf. Before Raticate could get ahold of him with an intense Hyper Fang, Yellow stepped into the mess, whacking her pokemon with a coiled rope. Raticate chattered in disappointment, but Bob seemed like he wanted to egg on the fight. When Yellow struck at him too, he uncovered his leaf and trotted toward Kris, who shook her head. "Look, you. I don't really care if you act like a stoner on your spare time," she admitted. (True, as long as he'd share his product.) "You-just-look at that strange thing with the sack ! You and Raticate go and attack him. We'll cover you."

"Meep !"

The two pokemon nodded and proceeded to attack the suspicious person with all they had. Despite Bob's current "disability," he managed to pull up the guy into the air with a Vine Whip. If the guy tried to struggle and drop from his hold, Raticate was still on the ground, fangs bared. It would be perfect teamwork, had it not been for one minor detail.

"Gold, you lame-ass ! Why don't you call out one of your pokemon and help us ?"

Gold woke from his ego trip, glaring at Kris. "I can help !" he growled, pulling out a poke ball. "Any _one_ of my pokemon can do what both of you girls' pokemon do combined !"

"Oh, yeah ? Prove it."

"I will."

"C'mon, gonna do it ?"

"I said I will, you crazy bitch !"

_"WHAT DID YOU-"_

_"I'MMA DO IT RIGHT NOW !"_

_TOSS !_

"Karp karp karp karp~ "

A Magikarp flopped by Gold's feet. Kris groaned while he scowled and returned the useless pokemon. "Well, f-k."

**_"GOLD, YOU'RE AS USELESS AS THAT FISH !"_**

"Meep meep- mapman !"

Yellow yanked Kris enough just in time for them to see the thief crash into the lake. Bob and Raticate ran in frantic circles, upset that they had let the prisoner (or "mapman") loose. The trainers gasped at how the thief was handled just up ahead at the cape. A grizzly-looking stick with an orange bush had the man by his shirt collar, a position that was obviously uncomfortable not only to him but to another fleeing man as well. The thief, however, was unlucky enough to not be able to escape. "Please, Senorita. This country I am not from, yes. The light power hides in the water of Cerulean's gym building, yes. Do not mean me harm, Senorita Stick - nine lives I do not have, yes !"

_"I AM NOT A STICK !"_

The trio and pokemon caught up to the scene to see that the stick with an orange bush was actually a girl with a very furious expression. She shook the frightened man around like a rubber chew toy. As much as he tried to struggle, Mr. Engrish Thief could not compete with her strength. It was even worse than the time those angry Mexican wrestlers mangled him up quite a bit. And somehow through that angry glare of the orange head's, Kris had the slightest hunch of who she was.

"Misty ?"

* * *

(Misty)

Out of all the people she met over the years (especially gym leaders), Kris found Miss Orange-Head to be one of the most..._interesting_ people yet. Back at Cerulean Cape, it was indeed the tomboyish mermaid, Misty, who caught the generator thief with a single hand. However, "tomboyish" was an understatement, as Miss Misty was angrier than any average boy. After a thorough explanation of the day's activities, Misty almost whacked them all with a heavy mallet. They just _had_ to ruin her date and scare him off with their adventures. It was bad enough she thought of herself as extremely unattractive, but now another prospect had fled. Forget the thief being shown mercy - he was thrown back into the lake. Again, only with one hand.

Naturally, Gold decided to make everything even worse. When Misty said she frequently lost prospects, she didn't think she would be picked up by a moronic kid right away. Gold lost no time in using his inflated ego for the purpose of flirting. Helmet on, he immediately snuck up next to the gym leader and acted cool and collected. "Hey, there," he started, stroking the helmet. "Y'know, I'm not around these parts, so to me you're pretty exotic. We're the good ol' Westies. Heh. And hey, you might not nearly be as pretty or as full as Kris over there, but you're pretty desperate, right ? So do I have a deal for you !"

He pulled out a paper bag and two small pillows from his backpack. Failing to notice the girls' sudden anger marks, he leaned on the fence. "For only two easy payments of $19.95, you can have these and satisfy both of our pleasures ! There's no strings attached - all you have to do is stuff 'em and hide your face, and I can be the ultimate lover boy ! I'll be workin' up a disco fever as we get busy ! SO, HOW 'BOUT IT, BABY ?"

That was how Gold went into the lake. If it wasn't for the helmet, the boy's skull probably would've been smashed in upon impact. Misty twirled her mallet around a couple of times before stomping back to the gym, puffing, vowing to destroy Gold eventually if it killed her. Kris grabbed Yellow's hand and together they followed the gym leader. Following Misty anywhere might not have been the best idea ever, but that generator part had to be picked up somehow.

And soon enough everyone gathered again in the Cerulean Gym, minus three abandoned bikes. Misty was in the back of her post, playing with the generator part as if it was a toy. In one corner was the trusty mallet. Upon arriving to her post, Gold scowled at the mallet and crossed his arms, angry that it half-smashed his helmet. He was only met with a villainous grin by the gym leader. "Too bad you can't work up that fever," she sneered, cackling. "I'm sure if disco wasn't dead by the eighties, you might've had that chance to show off your...jiving funk, was it?"

"I might decide to give back your stupid dignity if you ever win me in a battle, Blockhead."

"F-k battling. I'm goin' back to the cape to score some better-looking chicks. Peace out, yo."

Gold walked out of the gym, finally giving everyone else some peace of mind. Kris stepped forward and cleared her throat. "So, I guess that leaves you and me to duke it out. You gonna give up the generator part ?"

Misty shrugged. "Maybe. After what that jerk tried to pull on me, I should kill all of you. Uh, or rat you out to the police. It's bad enough that those East People always bother along with Team Rocket. I really don't have to deal with a bunch of punk-ass kids. So, suppose I cut you a deal, Kris. Westies love to make deals; so do we, but at least we're _good_ gamblers." She smirked, waving the generator part back and forth. "We have a gym battle, like you said...but if you win, I'll give you back this thing."

"And if _you_ win ?"

"You help me find a date."

(Random Trainer #18a.) "What, can't find one yourself with that sexy hot bod of yours ?"

_"SHUDDUP !"_

The mallet zoomed at the random trainer's head and back around to Misty's head like a boomerang. Misty scowled at her unconscious apprentice and threw the mallet back into its corner. She grabbed a poke ball from her belt, shaking it once or twice. "Pay no attention to the dumb trainers who don't know what they're talking about !" she snapped. "You think you're so good because you have a lot of Johto gym badges ? You think I'm a pushover 'cause I can't ever get laid ?"

"Kinda..."

"Bitch, you're going _down_ !"

" Wha- "

Kris felt herself fall backward into the pool and become short of breath. She felt someone on top of her, screaming muffled words from the surface. Probably Misty, since Yellow's vocabulary was limited. Drowning wouldn't be such a bad idea, better than living with Nintendo's terms, anyway. If Kris could die and be reincarnated as a Sonic character, maybe she could gain superpowers. Still, why did she have to die by the hands of a crazy redhead ? That idea was worse than being with Gold.

When Kris's head floated back to the surface for just a few seconds, she took no chances. Grabbing Misty's suspenders, she shoved both of them back onto the path. They rolled around, clawing and bruising each other until one decided to pass out and take defeat. Several pokemon and Yellow were the spectators, watching the two girls wrestle like a couple of Machoke. Quite frequently, Misty had visitors to injure at her own pleasure, but not many of them gave her a challenge.

Yellow didn't think that to be really exciting, though, and she started to run around in circles. The girl stick may not have been as bad as the boy with the golden jacket, but she was still an enemy. In the pit of Yellow's mind, Kris was the one who upgraded her from pokekibble to cheeseburgers. Kris was the one who forced her to use the toilet in need of bowel dumping...but that wasn't necessarily a *bad* thing, even though the toilet made scary growling noises. And Kris always knew how to put on a show. Girl Stick had to have been a bad person if she meant damage to Yellow's amusement, and that did not sit well with Yellow.

With her younger comrade in distress, the meeper pulled on her hat and used Rollout, an attack usually used by rock pokemon and Sonic the Hedgehog. The attack was successful; Yellow's launch into the chaos knocked Misty onto a different path, sending the gym leader into a half-dazed state. Kris pulled herself into a sitting position and glanced over at the meeper. There were no serious injuries to either of them, but a small bump to Kris's head was potential for a delay in travelling. Not like she cared at the moment. "Hey, you," she addressed Yellow. "See my belt with the red and white things attached to it? I want you to take one of those things and toss it in the air. Any one'll do." Pause. "Oh, right. And if an angry egg thing comes out of it, pull me back into the water."

"Meep !"

**_CRASH !_**

A short green bus broke into the side of the gym and plunged into the pool. Several people in ninja-like outfits hopped out of the vehicle, equipped with unfriendly guns and shields. Following them was none other than Karen in a yellow jumpsuit, holding a vicious-looking Umbreon from killing everyone. Before Yellow could get her hands on a poke ball, Kris clung to her clothes. Even if Karen didn't seem to want to kill _them,_ it was obviously not wise to interfere with any project related to the Pokemon League and their ninja.

The Elite Four member meant business, too. She released her Umbreon, who shot out a Shadow Ball at the gym leader. Misty grunted and hugged the generator part to her chest, glaring at all existence. Karen frowned at her opponent, clicking her tongue in shame. "You of all people know better than to make this difficult for us, Miss Waterflower," she said. "We've given you plenty of opportunities to go straight, but you've continued to make trips to terrorize the East People, which is a felony without proper documentation. It's to the point where your options are jail or otherwise."

"The East People love me !" Misty spat. "They know how to give me good pickings for dates !"

"The East People have issued several death leagues for your arrest in Kanto alone," Karen corrected. "You've caused enough trouble for one lifetime, Waterflower. It's the end of the road for you !"

_"RAAAGH !"_

"Umbreon, use Shadow Ball !"

Umbreon flipped and shot another Shadow Ball at the gym leader. Misty crashed back into the floor growled. Burn marks were apparent up and down her back, creating holes in her overalls and shorts. Everyone watched her side-ponytail drop into a wave of orange...fireballs ?

"What the hell is she doing ?" Kris demanded.

"Meep meep !"

Three of the ninja raised their shields in terror. Another decided to dive in the pool, rather risking his life with drowning than dealing with Misty. Karen furrowed her eyebrows and pulled out a long whip, scaring the rest of her men into submission. "Hey, I don't pay you to soil yourselves on _my_ time !" she snapped. "You'll have to deal with me if you don't deal with her !"

The men were hesitant but were quick to obey. Gunshots began to fire at the enraged gym leader, careful not to create an explosion with the fireballs. Cerulean's citizens may have been idiots, but Cerulean Gym exploding would set off a full-blown riot amongst the city. Kris knew the ninja didn't care much about that, but her bump wasn't giving her many topics to think about at that moment. There was Cerulean, and all of the crazies she met, and a hot, steamy plate of nachos banned from her because Nintendo was an a-hole. If only she could make Spazwad deliver a plate of nachos to her before she died. Such dreams.

"Mewdammit, you better not die on me. I'm liable, hon."

She felt Karen's hand on her shoulder, cold and strong. Not very comforting, either. "Hey, I thought Will was the investigator in your group."

"Tsk, he's still off-duty. Damn leg." Karen shrugged, not really caring of Will's leg. "So I've been taking over his duties. It's not too bad, except his insists I wear this blinding jumpsuit. This case was at the bottom of my list, though. Miss Waterflower's been a real nuisance around these parts, and- AND GET OUT !"

Kris and Yellow were thrown out of the exit seconds before the badge dispenser went haywire. The girls felt Cascadebadges beat on their backs, along with something heavier.

"Hey, that's the generator part !" Kris exclaimed.

Karen nodded, shoving the generator part into a briefcase and handing two slips of paper to the girls. "Yeah, I'll return that later. You girls are lucky, getting a free badge and a Magnet Pass in the same day. Miss Staller, Miss Schwarz, I'll thank you two for holding Miss Waterflower off." She smirked, patting Kris's head. "Miss Staller, I suggest you get that lump checked out somewhere legal."

"Right, right. Whatever. So, what's gonna happen to Misty, anyway ?"

"Well, she'll be detained and more than likely deported somewhere. Not really my problem anymore. If that slut woulda mess up my hair with that fire...then I'd be a bit more concerned."

"And I suppose I can get rid of this savage now ?"

"Meep meep !"

"With that lump of yours ? You're stuck with her 'til your health bill is clean."

There was silence. Kris grimaced at the thought of Yellow continuing to tag with her, which was a small thought since her head was throbbing. It was true that she wouldn't probably be a good trainer injured, but she didn't need a lethal insurance policy stuck to her. Still, she kept pretty average company for said lethal insurance policy. Better than Gold, anyway. Speaking of Gold...

_"YOOO, KRIIIIS, YOU FOUND ME SOME SEXY LADIIIES ?"_

From a short distance, Gold was flailing his arms in his own crazy way. Kris grabbed Yellow by the neck and stumbled toward the opposite direction, still dazed from the lump. Karen walked behind them, knocking on the back of Kris's head with her knuckles. "Hey, you, you obviously can't travel in your states ! And why is that creepo kid running toward us ?"

**_MACE !_**

_"OHMEWITBUUURNS !"_

Gold fell to his knees and coughed up blood. Karen glared at the boy and took out a set of keys. Umbreon followed after her as she slipped into a black sportscar. Whatever was happening to Misty in the gym was unthought of by everyone else, especially by the Elite Four member. She beckoned Kris and Yellow to step inside the vehicle, which they only did because doing so would drive Gold even crazier. As the sportscar sped south toward an unknown destination, Kris waved at her screaming rival. Then as Yellow shifted positions on her lap, she saw they were heading toward a tunnel.

An unknown tunnel.

"AHAHA ! AHA-HAHA-HA !"

End


	29. Chapter 29

Chapter 29: What Happens Next

_IT IS DONE. AFTER ROUGHLY OVER A YEAR OF PROCRASTINATING AND STUFF, IT. IS. DONE. The chapter, that is. o wo I feel somewhat accomplished now 'cause I thought I'd abandon this or something. But no. EVEN IF IT TAKES A MILLENNIUM, IT SHALL BE DONE. But yeah, enjoy and stuff. ENJOY THE CRAPTACULAR ACTION. :D_

* * *

_Last time on PKC: Abridged..._

a): "Hey, kid, I didn't say you could touch my Pidgeotto like that!"

"Pfft, freak."

The little kid in the khaki shorts and giant sunglasses stuck out his tongue at Falkner before scurrying off in the opposite direction. A gym leader should've known better than to let pipsqueaks be involved in his plans, especially if it involved attracting pretty girls. Taking his vacation from gym leader duties after the incident with the Underground, Falkner had spent the majority of his time so far in Kanto trying to grab a date with a lady or several, particularly a bluish-green haired girl with a brilliant attitude. He distanced himself from those drooling, nosebleeding jerks that only wanted some putang. In the art of romance, he declared, a man should be chivalrous, brave, and willing to walk the bases very slowly, or everything will fall apart. It had been several months now since Kris Staller had first met his eyes, and he wasn't about to give up now. She had to go through at least five more gyms. That gave him roughly ten to fifteen chapters.

He wiggled closer to the side of the tree as he dangled his legs from the branches, about ten feet from the ground. If he was just a bit closer to the ground, he would've chased after that snot-nosed punk. Even more importantly, though, if only that kid was in his juridisiction of the law. The law enforcers of Celadon City had made it quite clear to him that vigilantes were not welcomed very much around their part of town. That included both vigilante actions and ill-intentioned citizen arrests. So if he wanted to pick a bone with those snot-nosed kids who kept trying to fly his Pidgeotto, he'd have to wait until Kanto went bankrupt and went hands and knees to Johto for a loan. Or if he took it out to Saffron. Either way his master plans would work out to his advantage, because he was fairly smart, and smart people usually got their way.

There was something that bothered him, though. Somehow he had a sick feeling that somewhere somebody was watching him, with interest. It was that same feeling that he got when he was training at his father's pre-teen police academy a few years ago. You always think you're safe until the drug-addicted robber played by the next-door neighbor puts a water gun (cleverly disguised as a heavy machine gun) to the back of your head and demands you to give him all of your pocket change. Then you and your friends scramble around the ground trying to find the emergency exit, just to find out as you find it that it's been closed shut with hot glue. _Oh, no, Falcon, you can't expect a way out every time. You gotta face this sh*t like a MAN. COURAGE OR NO SURVIVORS. IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT TO TELL YOUR CHILDREN, THAT YOU CHICKENED OUT LIKE A BUCK-TOOTH LOSER?! **AND DON'T GIVE ME THAT "I-HAVE-TO-WEAR-BRACES-,POPS" CRAP-**_

"How interesting. Tell me more."

"D-w- _WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP HERE ?_!"

* * *

b): Green enjoyed her trips between Kanto and Johto as she continued to leisurely pursue the menacing chicken bird, Ho-oh. Many people her age wanted to be trainers and have exciting adventures across the landscape, but there wasn't much that she actually wanted to see. Her dreams involved making friends, watching hot romances develop, and tormenting enemies. And since none of those tasks took much effort, she was free as any of those nasty pigeons living across the street.

Her current mission right now was enjoying the sights of Olivine City. As expected from the other places she had visited in Johto, there wasn't much to visit, other than a rowdy sailor bar that gave her a free apple pie and some beer. This had led her to the last place which could be even remotely interesting - the lighthouse. When she had visited the rowdy sailor bar, a couple of the rowdy sailors informed her that the gym leader often made camp there because of her pokemon. Jasmine was rumored to be one of the best, beautiful, and bright of the Johto gym leaders, magnetizing trainers with her carefree attitude, polite manners, and steel pokemon. It would be a shame if she let this one pass without a knee-breaking alliance, just because of forces like missed opportunities and...and _Dave._

The girl grumbled under her breath and continued up the stairs. It would do her no good if she darkened her cheerful ambitions with her enemies. She managed to clear the floors, encountering some very strange and smelly folks along the way, until finally reaching her destination. On the main floor, a giggling Amphy was scrolling through the pages of underwear and questionable-looking guns. Next to him was Jasmine, who was blushing even though she was kicking the angry hard drive. Upon one look at a frilly piece of lingerie, the blush spread to Green's face. "What the hell, mang?"

"AAA-oh, uhh, we're just on Tumblr checking out news posts," Jasmine rushed, kicking the hard drive harder. She turned to Amphy and glared at him, pointing to the screen. "You know this isn't your age rating ! Turn it back to the news tags, Amphy !"

"Panty and Stocking, huh? That shouldn't be out here for at least another four years. You getting that from those prissy people in the Unova region ?"

"TURN IT BACK, AMPHY !"

The Ampharos made haste to exit out of the questionable images as Green's sweatdrops grew bigger. Jasmine stretched her arms and winced, also beginning to sweatdrop. She stared at Green for a minute, then back at the computer screen. "I'm-I'm sorry. I don't usually get worked up over little mistakes like this, but Amphy sensed something, and then I stumbled over something a little disturbing and I-I-I got distracted. Something seems to be going down in Celadon City today."

"Celadon City ? Sh- that's where Kris is heading !"

"Kris ? Kris Staller, you know her ?"

"Yeah, we're besties ! Go, Jiggly !"

Jasmine gasped as Green grabbed onto a Wigglytuff's legs and began to climb out the windowsill. "Wait a minute ! Where are you going ?"

"I gotta make it to Goldenrod's next train ride as soon as possible! Name's Green, gonna help catch the baddies, so don't worry ! CIAO ~!"

* * *

c):

_"I'M ON A BLIMP ! I'M ON A BLIMP ! TAKE A GOOD, HARD LOOK AT THE MOTHERF_KING BLIMP !"_

Silver sighed as he floated on top of the long piece of cardboard that used to be a box. He laid back down and stared at the pokemon who helped him balance the thing. Toto the Totodile seemed to enjoy their abandoned situation in the middle of the body of water, while the sneezing Yuk kept clawing at his padlocked poke ball. Neither were too bad at fighting, so maybe Staller was right about caring about pokemon. Of course, she never actually said that to him, but the illusion of her actually being nice was kind of comforting. Actually having a normal conversation with her would be comforting, but she was always screwing up his name. Probably on purpose, too.

He groaned. No matter how he felt about her, it was her fault that he got stuck in this mess, alone and abandoned in the middle of the border between Cerulean City and the East. The East People had already warned him that if he even breathed past their border, they wouldn't be hesitant to blow him up with underwater landmines. The only was back now was to hope that the wind brought them back to safety toward Cerulean...or ask Toto to simply use Surf, but that was too typical and trainer-like. Reputations had to be kept.

But he guessed it wasn't all Kris's fault. Today's issue had a lot to do with that chick that looked a lot like her. He knew he shouldn't have taken that ride from her and proceed to eat her poisoned gummy worms, which gave him severe diarrhea following the unlikely side effect of unconsciousness. It didn't tip him off, though, because most crazy chicks often gave people hospitality. And then Lance swooped in with his stupid dragons and picked up said crazy chick, which totally tipped him off to the ultimate maximum and also left him in the middle of nowhere. He wasn't the smartest guy on the block, but he even knew that something bad had to be going down soon. For Lance to need crazy chicks like that meant he was back to his former diabolical planing again. Typical dragon trainer.

So he was on a blimp, or rather on the cardboard. He turned over on his side and sighed again, shutting his eyes. The pokemon rested against his feet, taking a note from their trainer by also getting some shut-eye. There was not much for a washed-up character to do on a Friday afternoon.

* * *

(AND NOW...)

"Ooh, what does this button do ?"

"I swear I will break every bone in your hand if you dare to try to touch something in my car."

Gold hastily placed his hands back in his lap and scooted closer to Yellow, who looked repulsed. Neither of them enjoyed each other's backseat company, but Gold had managed to dive into the car without any noticeable injuries and the menacing Umbreon was on Yellow's other side, so the boy was forced to sit next to the blond, lest he be turned into mincemeat. Despite this precaution, however, the odds were pretty stacked against him. There was the Umbreon, and Yellow's worsening mood, and the even worse worsening mood of the driver, Elite Four member Karen.

In the front seat, Kris held onto Bob as she clutched her head and tried to enjoy the ride toward Celadon City. The tunnel actually wasn't that bad. It was mostly a hippie light show that was part of a knockoff of one of Sega's tunnel schemes, complete with a couple of blue-painted porcupines. It brought back the feelings of why Kris wanted to switch to their turf. That wasn't necessarily the problem, however. Yellow and she were riding with probably the most dangerous member of the Elite Four to Celadon City, just because of a simple head injury. And Karen was definitely not one to accept 'no' as any answer...not without too much bodily harm, anyway. At least they could rest their feet for a small period of time.

The bigger issue was the creep in the backseat. Of course he wouldn't leave them alone, even after Karen threatened to stop the car and throw him off into the hippie tunnel. Hopefully they would drive to Celadon and then somehow lose him, most likely through a mob of angry women. But there was still a couple of hours to go, and no one was very happy to have Gold on their team. Maybe Karen would go through with any of her several threats before their trip was complete. She wasn't really much of a joker.

A light breeze began to form. Wanting to not kill anyone in an expensive sportscar, Kris sighed and held onto Bob tighter as Karen stopped the car in the midst of traffic. It seemed it didn't take much to aggravate the Elite Four member. "Damn traffic," she muttered. "Never useful at the right time."

"Meep!"

"Ahh, that's true. Can't be helped." Karen looked over her shoulder and smiled at Yellow, then turned around and looked at Kris. "Your head feeling any better, girlie?"

"Uhh, yeah. Should be fine by the time we get to Celadon."

"Good. That's what I wanna hear. None of this pansy crap. The creep in the back can learn something from you. What was his name? Greg...George...I'm not good with guy names. Took me forever to remember Will's. But nah, it's not that important."

"Not important ?! Hey, lady, my name's Gold Caramel! You should be honored to learn such an awesome trainer's name like mi-"

"DID I ASK YOU YOUR NAME?!"

"Uhhh, no?"

_"THEN YOU WILL SHUT UP WHILE I AM TALKING TO MY GIRLIE, OR I WILL THROW YOU RIGHT IN THIS TRAFFIC."_

"...yes, ma'am."

Gold huffed and grumbled under his breath, making sure that he was not heard by those in the front seat. Karen rolled her eyes. "Boys. Really could care less what his name is. Got no reason to babysit _him,_ isn't that right?"

Kris nodded. "He's been like that forever. Sadly you get used to him."

"Tsk, I'd have hurt him to a bloody pulp a long time ago."

"I have. Doesn't work."

"Ahh, the little masochist, eh? Well, he hasn't experienced my kind of pain yet. Needs to watch himself, don't you, Goldy-boy?"

"...yeah..."

"Good boy. It's pretty obvious to you now that I always get my way. Part of being a privileged member of society." Karen smirked, tapping against the steering wheel. Any opposition would surely make one of her threats true, everyone in the car realized. Her confidence was plenty proof enough. "I'll stop messing with you for now, though. My business relates to you, Miss Staller. Miss Schwarz, since you're her company, you should probably listen to this, too."

"Meep!"

Karen sighed. "Right. So ever since the incident with the Underground, there's been a lot of strange crap going on. It seems as if there's been a rise in crime, and for once it's not due to Team Rocket having a bf. From the reports we've been getting, it's mostly been harassment calls so far, but there have also been incidents of robberies, vandalism, and general roughhousing. Really just a pain in the ass.

"_But Will insists that something is wrong, pffft_. Texted me to remind you ladies about these horrible crimes. Either way you should be on the lookout, but don't drive yourself nuts. I think we'll have this in control within a couple of weeks. He really worries too much."

Kris nodded again. It was far better to agree with Karen than to express other opinions. She wasn't about to worry that much about roughhousers, anyway. They (minus Gold) were probably some of the best fighters in the Kanto region. Any stupid roughhouser that tried to mess with them would be pulverized like a plate of spaghetti.

Karen seemed to appreciate the blind enthusiasm, yet that was short-lived as her expression quickly soured. They were out of the traffic now, but one of the cars stuck close to the side, slow but steady with their pace. The sportscar weaved through passing traffic and stoplights, only to have the other car repeat its movements. Yellow and Gold watched with interest, while Kris grimaced and Karen cursed. "Always the damn crazies trying to get my autograph," she muttered. "The stuff that some of these people do."

She stepped on the gas, but the other car continued to match the speed. Kris wondered how tough the Elite Four members really had to be in order to function as top trainers. Dealing with terrorists and stalkers on a daily basis had to be tough, and- and was somebody shooting at them now?

That question was answered as five bullets whizzed over their heads. Karen cursed again and pressed a button to place the roof back over their heads. She made a sharp turn and smacked her hands on the steering wheel. "I hate these crazy people ! Probably some of those stupid roughhousers Will was talking about. Looks like we may have ourselves a high-speed chase, ladies."

"Meep !"

"Yep, looks that way."

"Anything we can do?"

"Sure you can, Miss Staller. Go reach into the back and throw your dumb lackey boy into the road. If we're lucky they'll crash and all of our problems will be solved."

"And plan B is ?..."

"Try and crash them with a more difficult approach. Goldy-boy, go ahead and roll down your window so Umbreon can get a crack at these losers. You can be that useful, right?"

"Yeah, sure..."

As soon as Gold rolled his window down, the Umbreon hopped onto his lap, digging its sharp claws into the boy's pants. It ignored the boy's protests as it unleashed a deadly-looking Shadow Ball in the other car's direction. The target hit; the other car did a couple of 360s before slamming into a stop sign.

Triumphant of its hit, Umbreon wagged its tail, smacking Gold into the face and making Yellow chuckle. Gold glared at her, helpless with the pokemon on its lap. "It's not funny, Shorty !" he moaned. "If you want this heavy mutt on _you,_ you can trade places with me !"

"Meep meep !"

"No, I don't speak Spanish. Speak in the English !"

"Can't you ever stop acting like an ass ?!" Kris snapped. "You're very welcome to get out of the car now. It's not like we even invited you to come along and join us !"

Gold huffed, turning red. "It's not like you to be so direct, baby ! You used to be so gentle breaking news to me, and now you're turning into like one of our parents ! Whatever happened to being like us and not like them, Kris ?!"

_BRICK'D !_

_"F-K OFF !"_

_"REEEEEEEE !"_

**_SMASH !_**

A pair of angry hooves smashed through the roof and almost knocked Kris in the head. The car swerved slightly and almost crashed into a tree as Karen cursed. The other car had already recovered from its crash and was quickly gaining on them, out for a crashing vengeance. Kris wondered if riding in the car was actually the right decision for her head injuries. These crazies really were out for blood if they decided to still chase them even after being hit by a Shadow Ball which looked like it could smash a semitruck.

She looked above at the smashed roof and angry hooves. The two front hooves were gray, but the fur above them was half-yellow, half-brown. There weren't many hooved pokemon to begin with, but the annoying sounds it made gave her a good idea of its identity. "Girafarig."

"God, those things with the alien tails ?" Karen asked, groaning. "I don't need a freakin' giraffe on my car. I paid a lotta money on this. Lemme try to shake it off."

Karen made the car fly down a hill, halting a couple of popsicle stands and angry popsicle stand owners. Neither the Girafarig nor the rival car lost their tail, both working together in a menacing fashion. The Girafarig flailed its hooves in the roof hole, continuing to knock Kris's head each time; the rival car's distance was getting closer and closer, and judging from its equal recklessness, it would not spare any bullets this time.

On Kris's lap Bob began to groan and wiggle under her. He wasn't looking well at the beginning of their ride, but Kris had thought that maybe he just had a severe case of carsickness. But unless turning almost gray was a sign of extreme carsickness, he was probably dying. Kris always had her doubts of how long the Chikorita would actually survive. He was never the healthiest pokemon with his obsessive weed usage...not that Scarlet's Cyndaquil was any healthier, but still. Between the Girafarig and the crazy other car, if they survived she probably should've dropped him off at a Pokemon Center or something. But that was too much work, and he was glowing a little.

Wait, what?

And that was when she decided to throw Bob out the window.

The Chikorita gasped for air and began to run for its life, panting away as the other car wasn't too far from them now. Both Yellow and Gold were yelling at her now for what seemed to be coldhearted abuse, even for her. Even Karen looked surprise at the action. But what was done had to be done. For the hope of their survival, it had to be done.

She pressed against the door handle. Either this was a really good or a really bad idea. If it was the latter, no doubt she'd probably die a violent death. But as she jumped out of the car, the latter did not happen and she was able to jump onto a newly-evolved Bayleef despite the annoying, 'DOO-DOO-DOO, YOUR POKEMON HAS EVOLVED' noise that evolutions made. Bob the Bayleef was now taller and stockier, no doubt a result from the constant munchies as a Chikorita. He was just as confused as the rest of the people from Karen's car, since he was neither athletic or intelligent or even groomed twice a week. Somewhere in his mind, maybe it was because he cared about his trainer and thought it would be better if he could actually help out for once, to not be a slacker and all that jazz.

Or maybe he just couldn't help himself.

Kris grinned and wrapped her arms around Bob's neck. Try to wreck the car while she had a head injury, did they? She thought not. "Bob, it'd be pretty swell if you'd use Vine Whip right about now!"

"Baaay."

The Bayleef huffed and puffed a little but managed to get a few scraggly vines out of its backside. Not the best Vine Whip by any means, but it would do for this particular occasion. Bob directed the vines to the flailing Girafarig on top of the car, who was now eyeing him, dumbstruck. With a couple of flicks, he managed to wrap the vines around the pokemon's legs and tug him out of the roofhole.

"You got this?" Kris asked him.

"Bayleef?"

"No, you can't just go in the car anymore! You'd take up the whole backseat!"

"Bay bay!"

"...I don't care if you still do that..."

"Bay!"

"So it's a go?"

"Bay bay!"

"Then it's a go! Finish this one off!"

Bob nodded and dragged the Girafarig off the car in one fling. Before the Girafarig could even try to struggle, Bob flung him right smack into the other car. The other car did another couple of 360s as it struggled to keep control this time; Girafarig snorted and rolled off of the hood, angered that such an incompetent and inferior being could outdo itself. As Karen slowed the car down and the others watched the action, the two pokemon were now neck and neck, determined to cripple the other.

Kris gripped her pokemon's neck tighter as the Girafarig countered with a Psybeam. The attack hit Bob's side, and he yelped out in pain as it left a small scorching mark right by one of his legs. Yet somehow he was in the heat of the moment, and he reared his head, bracing himself for whatever attacks Girafarig could dish out to him. A couple of Psybeams, a Shadow Ball or two, which were harsher than the Psybeams and left bigger marks, and then it hit. A (fairly) graceful Solarbeam came out of the Bayleef's mouth, SHOOOM, and smacked Girafarig with a great force that would've never been expected out of such a pokemon as Bob. FWOOOOOOSH, and the Girafarig flew into the sky, swirlies popping out of its eyes as it landed directly on top of the car again. This time the other car skidded to a halt as the pokemon's hooves smashed into the windshield, shooting glass everywhere.

And then someone came out, gun in hand, completely masked from head to toe. The person called Girafarig into its poke ball into and began to shoot in their direction, but Kris, Bob, and the others were already out of range. At least until the gunner quickly caught up, shooting at them while riding a Tyranitar.

"Mew help us all," Kris muttered, dodging several bullets as she nuzzled into Bob's neck. This had to go beyond the crazy obsessions of fanboys and fangirls. The Tyranitar was joining in the rampage with its trainer, creating giant potholes in the road with a nasty Earthquake. If it wasn't careful enough, it would kill them all, even its own trainer. Maybe not such a bad thing for the pokemon, but Kris didn't want to go out this way. If she was gonna die in this script-ridding hellhole, it was going to be the right way.

Karen pulled the car to the side, allowing Kris and the pursuers to take up the whole road. She was soon joined by Yellow and Dodrio, clutching her hat as they went up against Tyranitar's other side. This gave Tyranitar fewer options as Dodrio slammed into it in an attempt to redirect its focus from obliterating the road. For a few seconds, this worked, and Tyranitar slowed its pace in confusion.

Then RAAAAAGHHH as instead of obliterating the road, the ground beast tossed a Hyper Beam right into Yellow's chest. The girl groaned and fell off of her pokemon, smacking against the pavement. This enraged Dodrio, who squawked and jumped on top of the Tyranitar, kicking the trainer off of its enemy. Trying to shake Dodrio off, the Tyranitar roared and thrashed before falling off into the grass. The two pokemon wrestled with each other, punching and kicking and biting until one of them admitted defeat.

Meanwhile Kris pulled Bob to go toward Yellow's direction. The gunner was already making the escape, running in the other direction. A few seconds later, Tyranitar followed, smacking Dodrio's head once more for its satisfaction. But neither Kris or Dodrio cared as they ran to Yellow's side. The girl coughed and meeped as she leaned against the tree. It didn't look like she had too much damage done, but now she was in the same club as Kris and her head injury. As she looked up at Kris, she smiled. "Meep, rice sword."

"Yeah, rice sword," Kris repeated, grinning. "You okay?"

Yellow wiggled her fingers in a gesture that suggested she was pretty okay. Dodrio nuzzled against her hand with each of its beaks, creating small marks along her palm. Kris couldn't help still grinning at the blonde and her pokemon. They had saved the day and the roads, though the crazy person and the Tyranitar were gone. But that couldn't be helped. Crazies like that knew all the ropes to escaping.

She continued to stare at Yellow and Dodrio exchanging affections. Karen joined her with crossed arms, examining any possible damage. "Look at what kind of adventures I get to have when traveling with company."

"Must be the power of rotten kids."

Karen snorted. "Guess so. Could be worse company, though. Never carpool with the Elite Four."

"'Kay. Should we start walking now?"

"What, and let you two die somewhere and make me responsible? Nah, I'll be generous and let you to ride the rest of the way to Celadon. But first," Karen paused, pointing in the car's direction, "do something about this guy."

They walked back over to the car, where Gold was upchucking his past few meals in the nearby grass. Looking as green as a goblin, the boy made a few more noises before collapsing onto his own vomit. Kris wrinkled and looked back at Karen. "Do I have to, or can I have Yellow do it?"

"Either way. I don't want him riding in my frickin' car smelling like that."

Yellow walked over to the scene and stared at the vulnerable Gold. She also wrinkled her nose and then proceeded to start kicking him. The boy gasped in surprise before flailing in the grass, screaming at Yellow to stop. Kris couldn't help but grin again at the team. It wasn't the best day ever, but the scene was still hilarious. Maybe things would turn out better. Maybe they would all go to Celadon as merry people and fight for justice and actually become successful protagonists.

_"KRIS, I NEED YOU TO CLEAN UP MY VOMIT! IT'S GONNA GET ALL STALE ON ME!"_

Or maybe she would continue to think about transferring to Sega.

End


End file.
